Oh I'm soooo jealous! I love Mexico! Have fun and get off your computer and mosey on over to that resort bar.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
The trip was ok, not great, but ok. We went to Playa del Carmen, Mexico. We had a nice room with 2 queens or maybe they were double beds. Wife and S14 in one, me and S11 in the other. The weather was unseasonably cool, (mid-70's and breezy). We ate breakfast, lunch and dinner together as a family every day with the exception of one evening when the boys decided to order room service and W and I went to dinner together.
Conversation was very light and non-controversial the entire trip. I made a point to be my most charming and funny 2TP possible which is really the way I prefer it. My W though sometimes brings out the worst in me, but we'll get to that another time. With dinner, I usually had a few glasses of wine. W always had a soda. I really wished she would loosen up some but I wasn't about to suggest it.
During the day while hanging with the boys on the beach, W would enjoy the occasional pina colada or blue hawaii and often went in search of sea shells. Because I am the adventurous type, it didn't take me long to figure out just how close we were to 5th Ave and all the activity there is along that stretch of coastline. I convinced the boys to join me on excursions and we discovered a hidden Mayan ruin behind a small hole in the wall hotel. We ate gelato every night. S11 would join me for my morning walks to Starbucks and always respond to my invitation by saying "it would be delightful." One day, S11 and I saw these crazy Mayan pole sitters who hung from unwinding ropes 60 feet above the ground. It was quite the sight and S11 couldn't wait to tell his mom all about it.
I think the hi-light of the trip for my W though she probably would never admit it, was the fish spa treatment her and S11 enjoyed. If you don't know what that is, it is a tank full of tiny fish that eat your skin cells. It is supposed to be invigorating, but the looks on their faces revealed a different story. It was actually pretty funny.
S11 also held a lion cub and had his picture taken and we all had a laugh when the guy said, "Come take a picture with the lion cub. When do you think you'll be able to see and hold a lion cub. It's not like there is another one around the corner". I replied, except of course, the other one around the corner, (there actually was another one right around the corner). So we all had a good laugh at that one.
Somehow on the flight home we all ended up in 1st class, (not sure how that happened, but it was a nice way to end the trip).
So here are some observations:
- W wore a heart shaped silver pendent with a pink pearl in the center that I had given her a few years ago. Not sure of the significance of that, if any.
- W put lotion on my back but had S14 put lotion on hers.
- I learned that my W has purged 2 other friends of hers, leaving her with zero friends that I know of.
- In the past 18 months, (including the time away in Maine this past summer/fall) I have missed out on a lot with the kids. They have formed an new life with their mother, new routines, etc. And it really makes me kind of sad that I am not there with them all the time.
- My W still waits till the last minute to do things that can and should be done ahead of time. And it still makes me crazy.
- I am finding that my feelings for my W are significantly diminished. This makes me sad and I wonder what am I even waiting for and why do I continue traveling down this DB path?
There is more to share but it is late and I am tired.
I do wonder though just how some of the vets who reconciled their marriage after a prolonged period, did it. I mean, after 18 months, I really feel like this ship has sailed and any feelings I may have left are not enough to rekindle any type of meaningful relationship. So, how can it ever be recovered? Maybe this is what my W was waiting for; for me to finally give up and move on so her guilt or whatever can be alleviated.
Anyway, I'm interested in opinions, perspective and feedback.
Ok meant to say that after we got back to town but while still at the airport, W got really snotty at one point and I just sighed which prompted her to make another snotty remark. I asked her why she has to be snotty? That I have been working very hard to keep my composure during some tense moments during the trip and why she can't do the same. Her response was " cause I feel like it!" After driving home in silence, I dropped everyone one off at the house and S14 went upstairs and slammed his bedroom door. Late this morning i got a text from my w that read, "I'm sorry 4 being ugly yesterday and hope it didn't ruin the vacation for you."
So there's that.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
2tp....ah...the old, don't expect this to change anything, here's my rude remark to you...that is my personal fave. Almost as favourite as "Wow, things have been great, we are good friends, we chat, oh, let me pull away completely now."
I digress, but wanted to say I am glad you had fun and offer this: When I was conflicted about something, my H better not have been happy, or my kids. I always drew them into my feelings, because misery loves company. I mean, if I am not happy, then I don't want you guys to be. This was not conscious on my part but it was part of my behaviour for a very long time and at some point, I began to be conscious of what I was doing, but still did it anyway.
There would have been nothing H or kids could have done to diffuse my mood, not by being nice, calling me out on it, etc. The best I can remember is when they ignored it lol!! I came out of funk pretty fast
2, you and I have commiserated in the past about our perfectionism and control issues.
From my perspective, I'm so much happier since I've figured out that piece and let go of a lot of it because for the most part, it just makes my life more difficult and has a ripple affect.
There are times when those traits are useful but we have to figure that out and be able to use our "talents" judiciously.
After all this time why does this My W still waits till the last minute to do things that can and should be done ahead of time. And it still makes me crazy.[/b[ still make you crazy?
Can you adjust in some way so it doesn't make you crazy? My H and I had many uncomfortable (resentment building) moments in our marriage because he wasn't ready when I wanted to walk out the door. I wanted to be places early because the anxiety when I was late (or even just on time) was so uncomfortable I would go into b!tch-mode.
Do you know how many of those moments I wish I had back? What a waste of time.
And I've found that the world doesn't end if you show up on time. It doesn't end if you're late either. Life goes on.
If you were ever going to have a life with W, one of you would need to change on this, ideally there could be a compromise but right now you're the one who's DBing. What's the 180 here?
[b]W got really snotty at one point and I just sighed which prompted her to make another snotty remark Do you wish you had done this better? You both fell into your pattern of communicating. That "I just sighed" was packed with meaning. How about if you had said "W, I feel frustrated when you yadda yadda. The next time could we yadda yadda?"
Ad recommended the book Family Communications and I'm really getting a lot out of it. We can learn from our mistakes and show our kids a better way to communicate.
That was one of my early goals, that I could learn to be better so my kids could be better. I might not save my M but there are other just as important reasons to DB.
2, I know that's a bit of a 2x4 but I know you can take it and that you don't want friends just whispering sweet nothings in your ear.
((()))
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
A question, how did you respond to her text apology?
It sounds like you and the boys had some great adventures. I loved those ages. Actually, I've enjoyed all the ages and stages but we had some really fun times at 11 and 14.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
and get off your computer and mosey on over to that resort bar.