I certainly think it would be difficult to be friends in my sitch. W has ruined chance of that. Any friendship would be superficial and phony, so 'friendly' would be the most it could be. Even that would be a loooong way off....and that has been her choosing.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
Just catching up on your sitch. I was in full on "ME" zone the past few days. No fun.
You sound good!! I've been doing the same thing, and I plan to see a lawyer in the next few weeks to have all the info I can. It's important. Inforamtion doesn't mean action. Just that we know where we stand.
I am definately looking at my friend/friendliness with my H. I really stepped about 10 steps back this weekend in the detaching, although my H is really playing both sides. He wants to keep the door open to our R, while still being with OW. I know I can't be friends with him right now for my own POM. Good for you for knowing that as well.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Detachment is neither kind or unkind. Remember you need to detach in a loving way. You have children so you will need to be "friends" if you want to continue to work together to raise your children.
"friends" - not hypocritical, continue to act as if, don't take his re/actions personal, you are on separate journeys.
There are times my friends don't need to know how I'm feeling. Am I being a hypocrit? No.
I'm allocating my feelings in a more appropriate place. I can express myself through writing, physical activity, sharing with IC or friends who will help me with these feelings.
Don't make decisions about money based on emotions. Separate your sitch from how you want to divvy up the money. This is a great opportunity to use what you have learned.
Set aside what you are willing to compromise and what you are not willing to compromise.
When H n I separated our money a year ago, H gave me money for all my bills. There was absolutely no extra money for either of us. So in that respect, we didn't disagree.
It hurt because it was another step in our separation but it was more than anything for him. He wanted to do this to relieve some stress and know that we were taken care of.Same w him moving into an apt.
Hope that helps.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
I like what 2 said about detachment not being kind or unkind. It's hard to detach lovingly and I know I have to think twice, three times or more before I respond in my efforts to reflect loving detachment. It has helped by not initiating any contact with H except with regards to the kids...but even this can be hard because it needs to be for the right reasons. Without expectations. For the kids and their R with H. I think that maybe friendliness or even may be friendship could develop from that.
Detachment is neither kind or unkind. It does not imply judgement or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching. Separating ourselves from the adverse effects of another person's alcoholism (I replace it with cheating) can be a means of detaching: this does not necessarily require physical separations. Detachment can help us look at our sitch realistically and objectively.
Detachment allows us to let go of our obsession with another's behavior and begin to lead happier and more manageable lives, lives iwth dignity and rights, lives guided by a Power greater than ourselves. We can still love the person without liking the behavior.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
My W's detachment has been very unkind, mean-spirited and full of disdain since May. My L believes this is not someone that is detaching at all and is holding onto that anger because they cannot really let go and there is too much emotion. Thoughts?
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
My W's detachment has been very unkind, mean-spirited and full of disdain since May. My L believes this is not someone that is detaching at all and is holding onto that anger because they cannot really let go and there is too much emotion. Thoughts?
Undoubtedly, Floyd. If you can arise emotion from her, she isn't completely detached from you. However, negative emotion isn't exactly a good thing. Keep working your 180's. In time, hopefully she will come around.
you and I are in somwwhat similar places. I am sorry I haven't had much useful advice for you lately. I'm so confused with my mess, I have been focusing on other things to keep me centered.
Sounds like you are doing pretty good though. I like your attitude. This "friend" thing is a PITA. Keep up the great work!
