Based on all the stories I've read, the kids always resent the cheating/leaving spouse for breaking up their family, and not because of anything Mom or Dad did or didn't tell them.
They seem able to figure out who's to blame just fine by watching.
You did, and will continue to, tell them their Daddy will always love them. Don't second guess yourself for having this conversation now. If H didn't cheat/leave, you wouldn't be in this spot in the first place. This peanut thinks you did fine!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Plus I reinforced to them that mommy and daddy both still love them and always will. (We both tell them that every day.)
LG, I agree with this approach that both mommy and daddy love the kids.
In my sitch neither of us has told the kids that one or the other of us has fallen out of love. Just think that would be confusing for our kids and potentially turn them against one parent. Not only have we told the kids we both love them but also have reassured them that what is going on with mom and dad has nothing to do with them. Just things that mom and dad need to work on.
I just think telling the kids the "truth" has the potential to damage the relationship with one or both of the parents. If things don't work out you are looking at several years of shared parenting and the last thing I would want is my kids being reluctant to stay with mom because of something I said. I know for me I feel more at ease when kids are with mom because I know they are happy to be with her.
What good does it it telling your kids that Daddy doesnt love me anymore? What if he comes out of his funk and loves you a month from now? then what. Oh kids. Daddy loves me again. Idk call me a fool but it sounds self serving to me. But as LA said we are just the peanut gallery. I don't see how this brings you any closer to your H
Turtle, I dunno. Both kids of mine 13 and16 know that their Dad was one who left. I said basically that he wasn't unhappy with the marriage to me and when someone you love is unhappy sometimes you just gotta let them do what they need to do to find some balance again.
That being said, up until a month or so ago, D thought it was my fault, that I had asked H to leave. Son has known Dad has GF for sometime, but to put it in S16 words " has his head up his ass..." Lol
So, my point is they make their own observations and judgements based on what they see, I think, and what they hear is mitigated by actions and observations of interactions between the parents and all of you as a family ..
Also, GTO, your 14-year-old is not in his own bubble even if he seems to be. Talk to him, and listen. He's just repressing or hiding his feelings, and that's not good. Show him it's safe to say what he feels.
GTO, this is so hard with children. I think you did what you think is best for your kids and stand by it.
I struggled for a few years because my kids were so young. Then they started to ask lots of questions. And it got to a point where D said "i don't think daddy is working all the time like you say". And i felt it was time for a little more honesty. I did not mention OW, but I did say also that daddy is unhappy with mommy. Mommy still loves daddy and daddy still loves us all and he will always love you both. Daddy needs some time alone.
I thought a lot about what to say because I didn't/dont want to demonize H to the kids, while at the same time I thought they should have some sort of answers to their questions that were no longer "ummm daddy has to work so can't be home"
But kids are smarter..they have more intuition. It was my S that said I know daddy is not coming back...daddies always leave. I said no, daddies don't always leave. And then he said, we are just unlucky. I said well, we don't know what will happen but today, right now, we are enjoying our lives and we are very lucky for x,y,z.
I do not think young ones need all of the details, but I have also realized they feel more of the truth than what we say.
I have struggled with this and still do. I don't know whats the 'best' way to handle it in a way that protects the emotional well-being of the kids. Especially when its not a mutual decision of the parents. I would like to think that if they see me interacting with H in a loving manner no matter what, that it will help them later on to not demonize either party and preserve their love and ability to love regardless of the mess us adults find ourselves in.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I appreciate all the feedback about this. I understand everyone's POV about this. BUt, what is done is done.
PoN, my H didn't fall out of love w me in a month, so I'm guessing it would take a long time for him to fall back in love w me too. I'm sure the kids would warm up to the idea well! But, the truth is I don't think this is going to happen.
Tori, I agree S14 is internalizing...the bubble is his protection from the world and he is in a very selfish early-teenage stage. I am definitely not oblivious to his reaction. In fact in some ways he worries me the most out of the 3 boys!
The past 2 days of brief interactions w H have been interesting. He has been as friendly as he ever has since BD, I have to say. I am very suspicious about why, but really am not going to let myself go into the crazy world of trying to mind read and figure it out.
I have to admit I am starting to do research about D in my state. Maybe b/c I feel it is inevitable. Maybe I feel there is just no other way this is going to play out. I am certainly NOT initiating anything (& am still wanting to save my M), but want to be prepared a little for when H drops the D bomb.
Since he has never said to me, "I want a D." I figure when he does that he is done, completely done.
Sorry for my negativety today, but I am in a bit of a funk. Not feeling well (physically or emotionally). Tomorrow is a new day!
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
