Mana Mana! Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo

[Tallula]

Again, showing great strength, courage and maturity. He has to realize, if even on a subconscious level, that you are growing as a person, and soon may well outgrow him. That may also give him some pause to think about his actions. Just a few of the questions you might consider are (mostly a rhetorical list since I'm sure you've already thought of these):

• would you take him back? [/color] I don't know right now. Today, I lean towards no. Because of his behavior TODAY.
• under what conditions would you take him back?
  [color:#000099] Complete transparency, defriend OW, ask for work to give us phone records monthly. A complete change of his crazy True and honest remorse. An understanding of just how insanely hurtful and devastating this was to me.
• what boundaries would you set?
  [/color] No woman friends, the above. When ML, using protection until I feel comfortable with his fidelity.
• what are the ramifications if the boundaries are broken?
  [color:#000099] Divorce. He knows that, which is why he wouldn't agree to the boundaries and we separated. He said he is scared he will keep doing it and he knows another strike if we are piecing and I'm gone.
• what level of transparency must he meet?
  [/color] See above
• what are you prepared to do if he refuses?

[color:#000099]Well, the reason we are separated if because I told him transparancy or separation. I have no idea how long I will stand. But not indefinately. So, I am very willing to divorce my H. These things are deal breakers for me.

And really, all of the above is necessary for him to be willing to do to prove that he deserves YOU as his wife.

Really, you're strength and resolve is an inspiration!!

Thank you Blake. I have obviously thought about all this at length. I will continue to focus on me. He either does work on himself, or not. Time will tell.

[keep_going]

I've watched this man get sober, bury his abusive father who committed suicide, take care of his alcoholic mother who then died, all before the age of 30. But I've never seen him cry. I think all of these things are bubbling up, and his way of dealing with everything was living this double life.

Wow, Tallula. Your H has had a very, very rough life. Did he ever go to therapy to dealt with any of his pain? I assume he did a 12 step program for his sobriety, but there seems to be so much he has needed to deal with, make sense and cope with...You may be right - his way of dealing might have been the escape of the double life. Would he be willing to get professional help now? It seems to me it would be crucial for his well-being and for any chance of him having any healthy R - not only with you, but anyone else in his life, specially his kids. Even if you guys don't R, I hope he can get to a healthy place for them.

So, yea, my method of "discussion" was ridiculous. H "So, I was really hurt tuesday when you said you would be home at 5...I interupt "It was wednesday." H "Whatever, when you said that you would be done with your instructing at 5 ...interupting "It was wednesay and I told you I was going to run errands." H "OMG!! Let me finish, I was hurt that you snipped at me that I didn't read your text. I don't care when or where or what time!!!!" Me "I'm sorry, it just seems like you never read all of a text. Well, it was tuesday and I told you..."

:face palm:

I didn't know if I should laugh or cry when I just read this ^^^^. I used to have the same type of dynamic with my H.

((((Tallula))))

[JuneReN]

We all, as I have said before, well mostly all, have had this dynamic with our H's...I think it is very common.

Tally, you sound good. Your H sounds crazy. Pretty much, if you can't laugh, you would never stop crying. Sometimes H just makes me laugh because his actions are so weird...and sometimes my heart breaks for him.

So I totally understand where you are.. Amazing strength...hugs

[Tallula]

KG- He is now going to therapy. He is the one who actually said that when things are hard, he gets someone to fall in love with him. He hates every minute, almost killed himself the fist time he cheated. He never cheated on me until we got married. Yeah. When I say that above everything else, I want to to be healed, I mean it. The guy had a HORRIBLE childhood. Bad. Once he was put on lexapro he stopped cheating (4 years). Then last december we had a situation happen where he lied to me about confronting a friend of mine for firting with him. She finally told me, and I had a difficult time getting over the fact that he lied to me for 5 months and it had been causing problems between us and me & my friend. So around March of 2012, I pulled away emotionally, it was slow. And within 3 months, he started the affair. This one he fell for. I don't know why he ever thought it couldn't happen, but IC is working with him on his issues.

[Tallula]

So my final thoughts on today, Her X and I exchanged a few more messages and then I wished him well.

1. He told me a few things last made me feel better. She is experiencing alot of negatives. She is too ashamed to go back to her regular ala-non meeting. She thinks people know & many of the woman there know & love me. Well, I am pretty fabulous, lol.

2. She just told her sister 2 weeks ago & she called her a word that rhymes with 4 and said should H & I D & they try to have an R, that their family won't accept it & she will make sure they all know they ruined his M.

3. They are trying to not see each other.

Well, I have to say...I'm glad it's life that is punishing these 2, and not me. Plus, it turns out that when her H thought he was threatening to tell me, my H had already confessed. I just didn't know who she was. I bet in their little fantasy of running off in the sunset, they knew if I knew who see was, I'm not going to be happy, happy friendly with her. But now...if these 2 end up with each other they are just going to mess each other over. But it seems like reality is coming in to play.

Obviously this changes nothing with H & I. I am glad to know that he is being honest with me & not blowing sunshine at me with the "I'm trying not to see her."

Plus, he acted crazy enough for the 2 of us. Craved some choice words in the headboard (thank god it was always at her house) and destroyed a bunch of her clothes. But, I can imagine that the second betrayal was hard!!! They D & got back together.

H & I are running with the kids in a st patty's day run & doing the parade on Saturday. He may sleep on the couch here because my house is closer & it's early in the morning. I'm a little nervous about it. I've stayed strong in the ML boundary...but I'm preggo i just hope he won't even try it after the last time.

[Tallula]

So I was sad today. Just had a nice cry in the shower. It still amazes me that when I just the feelings flow through me, it ends. It's like I push it down, well mostly because my kids are around, and it feels like I will be sad forever. 5 minute shower sob, much better.

It's just the inability to leave each other alone that is replaying in my head. That someone has such a hold over my H, that he is willing to throw away our family for this person. Our years together. Then I get mad because I'm over here, pregnant and alone. And he has someone to confide in, to hold him. And I'm over here crying in a warm shower.

It hurts. It just does.

I've reasched out to a woman I really respect in ala-non. I have known her for years, but was hesitant due to the fact that she loves H and goes to the meeting OW and he went to. But, I need more support from people outside of my family and friends. I need some judgement free folks. Now that her X told me that she really isn't going to meetings, I plan to hit one tomorrow night that I haven't been to in a year or so. God help me if she is there...

Well, everyone drink some green beer for me!!!!

[makingmagic]

((hugs)) Tallula... that's all I can offer.

[keep_going]

Tallula,

I am so sorry you are going through this rough patch. You are sure well familiar now with the ups and downs and yes, it hurts like crazy.

It doesn't help when we think that our H's have someone to love and support them, while we don't. I have found that this thinking really keeps me down. I try really hard to get those thoughts our of my mind, but it's sometimes hard, specially when you are also going through the hormonal fluctuations.

I can only tell you that you will be having a lot of these ups and downs, but you are doing great. You are allowing yourself to feel your emotions when you are alone, you understand where you are and you get out of the bad waves. So you will as well after this one.

Be good to yourself, hug your little ones and think of the precious little boy that will come to give you more love and comfort.

(((((Tallula)))))

[PatientMan]

Tallula,

How many hundreds of millions, if not BILLIONS, of people on this planet don't have access to a warm shower to cry in?

Just something to think about.

---

I was going to leave it at that, but I'm new here so let me explain myself instead of potentially sounding like a jerk because I am relatively unknown. I don't mean to imply you are ungrateful AT ALL, I just know that perspective is powerful, at least for me. And I think of my problems...I even had trouble praying for my situation for awhile because I thought my prayers were so unworthy compared to others who experience famine, oppression, violence, and injustice. It made me feel selfish to pray for my seemingly insignificant problems. I have a good job. The family is well fed. We all have roofs over our heads. Everyone is healthy. No one has died. We even have A/C, hot water, and cable.

I'm not saying our suffering isn't real (the mental anguish has been terrible), but things could be much, MUCH worse. I'm thankful for that, and that line of thinking is similar to some other strategies I have read on this forum, such as writing down a gratitude list every day.

Do you any opportunities to volunteer?

I am sorry you are having a bad day, but the rest of the day is yours to control. Hit your "RESET" button. And tomorrow is a brand new day! I wish you the best and am genuinely impressed by how you are handling yourself. You motivate me!

-PM

[labug]

Everytime I went through a really rough patch it was because another layer was peeing away. I almost welcomed them...almost.

You're doing the right things.