blake-I think that letting the OM's W know what great. It is what I would suggest to do. But now, 4 months after I know...all this would do would piss off H and OW and add drama.
However...he just messaged me a little more. And I answered. DANG IT!! See, he is newly sober, hense how H & OW met in ala-non. He has some mutual friends of ours now, and I had wished him well on being sober in my first message since i saw our mutual friends. Anywho, he said he completely understood why I didn't want him to contact me more because...ding ding...OW stepped out on him 3-4 years ago. H, as we know has done this before. When I first found out and was going OFF about OW and how can a mother sleep with a man all while watching his wife post happy family pics on FB, he said "This is her first A!! She feels terrible!" Yeah, these 2 deserve each other if they do stay together. She sold H a sob story about her H cheating on her.
Of course he could be lying to me, but he really seemed to come from a place of complete understanding and said he totally understood that him contacting me brought up stuff about OW, cause he knows all too well. He said if he sees me in a meeting, he will steer clear of me, because he doesn't wish that mind game on his worst enemy.
So what do I do with this info...write it here. Vent here. Do nothing. Never tell H he contacted me. Never tell him what a slimey chick she is. And if they do end up together, maybe they were made for each other.
Labug-I really like that. I had so become a "WIN AT ALL COSTS" communicator. If H got some silly detail incorrect I would HAVE to comment about it. "No, it was tuesday, not wednesday."
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
And, I have to thank OW's H. Whether it's true or not, I have stopped spinning. I will allow myself one day to marinate in this:
My H seemed to take pride in the fact that this woman was so good and this was her first A. He was so special and she is so in love with him, that she went against her moral code because he is so wonderful. "I found another Tallula. I mean, you are an amazing person. She is a good person."
The liar has been lied too. :rubs hands together: Muh ah ah ah ah!!!
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
H seems (won't hold my breath until it lasts a few weeks) to see how screwed up he is. He has mentioned it many times to me, as we have been around each other more than usual. He came over to help with D2 being sick and was over all day yesterday. It's not that I see a future for us, not that I completely don't either. It's that I do just want him to find some happiness. He said "I am so sick, so messed up. I think I'll never really be happy. And I'm just a jerk (edit)." It truly isn't said in a "poor me" way. I listened each time, validated, and one time said jokingly "Well, it will be ok. 10 minutes from now it will be all my fault again..." He cracked up and said "Man, I really am lucky to have you in my life. And because you are like this again, I know when I'm blaming you, that I'm full of it. This has nothing to do with you. All me."
How did/do you feel about his comments?
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
"Labug, I really like that. I had so become a "WIN AT ALL COSTS" communicator. If H got some silly detail incorrect I would HAVE to comment about it. "No, it was tuesday, not wednesday."
abug-I really like that. I had so become a "WIN AT ALL COSTS" communicator. If H got some silly detail incorrect I would HAVE to comment about it. "No, it was tuesday, not wednesday."
Thank you both for that! I was that, too! It's like correcting someone and really, putting them down. With a man, it would probably be interpreted as "shaming" (from the book).
This is something I've given up now. I'm no longer the "captain of the world" whose job it is to set everybody straight!
I'm hoping that makes me a more pleasant person to be around.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
H seems (won't hold my breath until it lasts a few weeks) to see how screwed up he is. He has mentioned it many times to me, as we have been around each other more than usual. He came over to help with D2 being sick and was over all day yesterday. It's not that I see a future for us, not that I completely don't either. It's that I do just want him to find some happiness. He said "I am so sick, so messed up. I think I'll never really be happy. And I'm just a jerk (edit)." It truly isn't said in a "poor me" way. I listened each time, validated, and one time said jokingly "Well, it will be ok. 10 minutes from now it will be all my fault again..." He cracked up and said "Man, I really am lucky to have you in my life. And because you are like this again, I know when I'm blaming you, that I'm full of it. This has nothing to do with you. All me."
How did/do you feel about his comments?
Honestly, we'll see if he backs anything up with action. I'm pretty detached and just trying to live in the moment. So far this week we have Sunday: I don't want a D. Monday: texted that we should go see a lawyer. 1 hour later: I'm sorry, you are amazing. Tuesday: I'm totally screwed up, it's me. I'm a mess.
So, yeah, I don't hold out for long periods of clarity. He was upset that he had texted my parents about my grandma's loss and that they never texted him back. I didn't play into any of these comments. I just listened. Didn't react to the lawyer or no divorce either. I just listen. All tuesday he was very remorseful, more than I've seen so far. More introspective. I finally said to him "look. I'm not ready to file. If you are, great. But here is the deal. I'm working on me. Will my parents hate you forever, don't know. Will we fight about who does the dishes and puts the kids to bed forever, don't know. But I do know, that I've been able to keep a house clean, do 3 people's laundry and not fight with you since we separated. I can set boundaries with people that I previously couldn't. That I have pride in how I'm handling our children, this pregnancy. That I'm trusting in God and not my will like I was the past year. That's what I know, today. Maybe you can just look at what you know. All the rest we will know when we are suppose to know.
He took a deep breath. And agreed.
That's when I said "Well, it will be ok. 10 minutes from now it will be all my fault again."
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Tallula I just don't know what else to say except again, wow. Again, your clarity of mind and the way you can respond with such calm is inspiring to me.
And to second SS, thank you Labug and Tallula for this:
"Labug, I really like that. I had so become a "WIN AT ALL COSTS" communicator. If H got some silly detail incorrect I would HAVE to comment about it. "No, it was tuesday, not wednesday."
I too am/was guilty....
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I finally said to him "look. I'm not ready to file. If you are, great. But here is the deal. I'm working on me. Will my parents hate you forever, don't know. Will we fight about who does the dishes and puts the kids to bed forever, don't know. But I do know, that I've been able to keep a house clean, do 3 people's laundry and not fight with you since we separated. I can set boundaries with people that I previously couldn't. That I have pride in how I'm handling our children, this pregnancy. That I'm trusting in God and not my will like I was the past year. That's what I know, today. Maybe you can just look at what you know. All the rest we will know when we are suppose to know.
He took a deep breath. And agreed.
Outstanding!
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
blake-I think that letting the OM's W know what great. It is what I would suggest to do.
That's probably the ONLY thing that I wouldn't go back and do differently. She had a right to know what was going on, especially considering his history. For my part, I can see where I could've handled things MUCH better in my own glass house...
Originally Posted By: Tallula
So far this week we have Sunday: I don't want a D. Monday: texted that we should go see a lawyer. 1 hour later: I'm sorry, you are amazing. Tuesday: I'm totally screwed up, it's me. I'm a mess.
Wow, he really does change directions more than a pendulum...
Originally Posted By: Tallula
So, yeah, I don't hold out for long periods of clarity.
Understandable...
Originally Posted By: Tallula
He was upset that he had texted my parents about my grandma's loss and that they never texted him back.
I'm sure they know at least some of what you've been going thru - what did he expect? A grand welcoming committee? And his comment may well have been an attempt at some sort of sympathy...
Originally Posted By: Tallula
I didn't play into any of these comments. I just listened. Didn't react to the lawyer or no divorce either. I just listen.
Showing great strength and courage.
Originally Posted By: Tallula
All tuesday he was very remorseful, more than I've seen so far. More introspective.
It's common for the WAS to show remorse and guilt - and actually feel it. My W has gone there several times. It almost seems like she's begging for forgiveness. But, I know she hasn't changed her mind either...
Originally Posted By: Tallula
I finally said to him "look. I'm not ready to file. If you are, great. But here is the deal. I'm working on me. Will my parents hate you forever, don't know. Will we fight about who does the dishes and puts the kids to bed forever, don't know. But I do know, that I've been able to keep a house clean, do 3 people's laundry and not fight with you since we separated. I can set boundaries with people that I previously couldn't. That I have pride in how I'm handling our children, this pregnancy. That I'm trusting in God and not my will like I was the past year. That's what I know, today. Maybe you can just look at what you know. All the rest we will know when we are suppose to know.
He took a deep breath. And agreed.
That's when I said "Well, it will be ok. 10 minutes from now it will be all my fault again."
Again, showing great strength, courage and maturity. He has to realize, if even on a subconscious level, that you are growing as a person, and soon may well outgrow him. That may also give him some pause to think about his actions. Just a few of the questions you might consider are (mostly a rhetorical list since I'm sure you've already thought of these):
would you take him back?
under what conditions would you take him back?
what boundaries would you set?
what are the ramifications if the boundaries are broken?
what level of transparency must he meet?
what are you prepared to do if he refuses?
And really, all of the above is necessary for him to be willing to do to prove that he deserves YOU as his wife.
Really, you're strength and resolve is an inspiration!!
Tallula I just don't know what else to say except again, wow. Again, your clarity of mind and the way you can respond with such calm is inspiring to me.
And to second SS, thank you Labug and Tallula for this:
"Labug, I really like that. I had so become a "WIN AT ALL COSTS" communicator. If H got some silly detail incorrect I would HAVE to comment about it. "No, it was tuesday, not wednesday."
I too am/was guilty....
I appreciate that, busting. When I'm in spin mode it's hard to feel any clarity, but then I realize that I have no intention of acting on it and I go...OMG, I have changed!! OMG it will pass. And H, man he is nuts. After the text about us seeing a lawyer, then the you are amazing, he sent "I think I'm going insane." Yeah, I agree. It's hard to watch. He is so full of fear, and just plain nuts. I have never seen this in our 13 years together. I've watched this man get sober, bury his abusive father who committed suicide, take care of his alcoholic mother who then died, all before the age of 30. But I've never seen him cry. I think all of these things are bubbling up, and his way of dealing with everything was living this double life.
So, yea, my method of "discussion" was ridiculous. H "So, I was really hurt tuesday when you said you would be home at 5...I interupt "It was wednesday." H "Whatever, when you said that you would be done with your instructing at 5 ...interupting "It was wednesay and I told you I was going to run errands." H "OMG!! Let me finish, I was hurt that you snipped at me that I didn't read your text. I don't care when or where or what time!!!!" Me "I'm sorry, it just seems like you never read all of a text. Well, it was tuesday and I told you..."
:face palm:
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
