This was ironic because I posted similar "a couple years out" thoughts on Adinva's thread yesterday.
The distinction I would make on the discussion above is that the one who wants to save the marriage has to do 100% of the work -- no question.
"The Work", however, is separate from owning 100% of the blame for what happened, and I thought that was the point Denver was making. Being "left behind" tends to pummel your self esteem and make you feel "less than", which adds to the natural tendency to assume that the treatment you've received is *your fault*.
I thought Denver's point was to help newcomers to see that it is not all their fault, despite how they might be feeling.
The unfortunate side, to Adinva's point, is that even though it's not all your fault, you still have to do "all the work", assuming you want to save the marriage when your spouse does not.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Accuray - As always, your insight and clarity of thought and eloquence are amazing. Thank you!
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
And I have to say, I'm always amazed at the people that stay and help and continue to help. Denver, 25, Sandi, and many others.
I remember how lost I was and how this site and the support of others helped me through everything. And to see that people stay and assist and help despite their busy lives is inspiring.
I have looked in from time to time. I've read and felt for all the people suffering through what I know to be one of the most devastating and debilitating things one can endure.
All I can say is keep on going until YOU attain happiness. Whatever that means. Because it's out there once YOU take control of your own life. Your own destiny. Your own happiness.
Good luck!
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
