I really hate being an adult. I've thought more about running away as an adult than when I was a kid...
Love this...was driving the other day without S in the car and thought about just keep on driving...just leave this life and find another would seem easy for a little while...but then there is reality.
Sometimes it seems like H has picked this path though. Something I need to work on to be able to deal with.
Good Advice from keep_going...it is hard to keep that smooth paved road back home, also hard to not make it seem that doing GAL is not to get them back...time I guess...this is a hard one for me too...
Set the boundaries that you need for the funeral, do what you think is right for you, supportive for you and that you are okay with when you look back at the day...good luck, sorry for your loss, and try to keep you head up...easier said then done.
My anxiety has been high lately too and trying to keep focused on my goals is hard too...but the need to do that is what will make the anxiety go down.
So, I spoke with my mom. She was upset, they didn't want him there. I said that he is still my H and father of my children and it was not ok with me. Then she launched into basically the crux of it all. They see me going out to dinner with the kids and he, letting him come to the ultra-sound as messed up. She thinks he should be punished for what he is doing. I said that she has no idea what I'm going through, and this is my way I chose to handle this.
Basically, what I got from this conversation is that my family can not be who I go to for support about this. If I'm crying upset one day, and then being nice to H, they are judging me and my choices. I don't need that. I believe that separating my H from his behavior is the only way that I can live sanely in this sitch. "Punishing" him, will only punish me. I can't hold on to hate and anger. I feel them and let them flow through me. I will not let his actions define me.
Well and hour later D2 started throwing up. So H had to stay home with her anyway. Ha!! But, it was great to state my boundaries to my mom. It was really, really hard. I come from a long line of co-dependants. (MY MOM!!) We care about appearances, we care about how everything looks to the outside world so much so that my mom lies constantly. "Just tell everyone he has the flu!" Let's just jump and dance around so that everyone is happy and no one gets hurt or upset. Well, I'm done with that. If this sitch ends up putting a distance between me and my family, that's not on me or my H. I told them what was going on. Their choices are theirs. It's not up to me to control this.
It's scary for me to take care of me. It's scary that people don't agree and are judging me on my choices. But, I know in my heart I'm doing the best I can and what is right for me. For the first time in my life, I am clear that I do what is best for me and my family. And that is just 4..soon to be 5 of us.
I miss my grandma. But later that day we found out...we are having a BOY!!!! Woo hoo!! H and the kids came. S3 is so excited, D2 has no clue what is going on. Ha.
H seems (won't hold my breath until it lasts a few weeks) to see how screwed up he is. He has mentioned it many times to me, as we have been around each other more than usual. He came over to help with D2 being sick and was over all day yesterday. It's not that I see a future for us, not that I completely don't either. It's that I do just want him to find some happiness. He said "I am so sick, so messed up. I think I'll never really be happy. And I'm just a jerk (edit)." It truly isn't said in a "poor me" way. I listened each time, validated, and one time said jokingly "Well, it will be ok. 10 minutes from now it will be all my fault again..." He cracked up and said "Man, I really am lucky to have you in my life. And because you are like this again, I know when I'm blaming you, that I'm full of it. This has nothing to do with you. All me."
Lastly, I was raised Catholic. Like, went to Catholic school 18 years, church 6 days a week until I was 14, catholic. I started going to a non-denominational church a month ago that my AA/alanon sponcer and some of my alanon friends go to. I really feel like I found a spiritual home. It's scary, because while I love the traditions and familarity of the catholicism, this feels right. It's scary, because of my family, out of my comfort zone...just everything. But, I'm going to continue this path of doing what I feel is best for me. One foot infront of the other...
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
I come from a long line of co-dependants. (MY MOM!!) We care about appearances, we care about how everything looks to the outside world so much so that my mom lies constantly. "Just tell everyone he has the flu!" Let's just jump and dance around so that everyone is happy and no one gets hurt or upset. Well, I'm done with that. If this sitch ends up putting a distance between me and my family, that's not on me or my H. I told them what was going on. Their choices are theirs. It's not up to me to control this.
I feel ya, girl! And kudos to you for protecting yourself in what I know is such a tough place to be.
My mom's been dead for 3 years and I still have to say no to her voice far too often.
But it's getting better.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Tallula I think you doing what is best for you is the best path to take. You continue to inspire me with your strength and character and clarity of mind.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
OMG!! OW's husband/ex husband just FB friend requested me. I about fell out of my chair when I realized who he was. I was like "who is? Who is...holy (insert many many curse words)
So, I declined the request & sent a simple message that I didn't think it was a good idea, but wished him luck in life. He sent back that I was right. He just thought since they are still FB friends, that it would be funny to [censored] with them when they saw we were friends.
Um...nope. But now I'm glad I get to go to sleep thinking of that dumb (multiple curse words)
Yeah. I need to really work through my feelings on her. She is just a sick selfish person. I need to view her in the same way I see my H.
Blarg!
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
You did the right thing and took the high road. Good for you!
I understand the challenges of working through your feelings re. OW. No advice here, just support, understanding and hugs.
(((((Tallula))))))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
Well, he had messaged a bit more. And now...I'm spinning. He spoke of his guilt of knowing and not telling me and how he had seen me walk out of a meeting and called OW and how my H and she were freaked out he would tell me.
I'm not going to tell H that he contacted me. It would just do nothing but bad things. Plus, it's just something he and OW can bond over. I know he is "trying" not to contact her, so this would be an excuse. And then I'm like...why do I care if he contacts her!! They deserve each other, those selfish jerks!! Is the only reason he told me because her H was going to out them? Or was this because he didn't want me to know who she was. He never told me that. I only found out when I went through his phone.
Of course, it doesn't matter why. I'm just mad that she is occupying space in my head. I'm mad. I'm hurt. I'm remembering. I hate this. I hate this. I hate him!! I hate her!! And when I get really honest with myself, I don't want them to end up together. Why? Because then this stupid chick..wins. What does she win? A cheater. But...she. Wins.
So silly of me. But, if I'm honest, it's the truth.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
It's not silly, it's what you're feeling and it's good to express it.
You just need to change your definition of win.
I've been reading about nonviolent communication and the author holds that most communication is built around winning and losing so it's full of blame, shame, coercion, fear, punishment. NVC is based on creating connection with compassion and meeting the needs of both parties.
(how's that for a tangent based on one little 3 letter word?)
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
OMG!! OW's husband/ex husband just FB friend requested me. I about fell out of my chair when I realized who he was. I was like "who is? Who is...holy (insert many many curse words)
I never sent or received a FB request, but, when I suspected my W of an A, I gathered the evidence I felt I needed. Then I took that evidence and went to see OM's W. She had been doing the same since she also suspected something was going on.
Originally Posted By: Tallula
Yeah. I need to really work through my feelings on her. She is just a sick selfish person. I need to view her in the same way I see my H.
Sick & selfish? Yeah, I'd agree with that. In my case, OM told his W that he and I were good friends and had no problems between us - nothing could have been further from the truth. I didn't trust or like him, neither did the kids. W thought we was a 'nice guy' who, we just misunderstood.
Turns out, not only was OM on his sixth M, his then current W was a PA during his previous M. And I'm aware of four other women that he was sleeping with during this same time period.
I can't even begin to describe the anger I had during this time - if it wasn't for my kids, I'd probably be in jail right now.
I'm not bragging about my actions - anyone who thinks the actions I took are correct, well, that's for them to think. On the contrary, it was real easy for my W to cry foul and accuse me of not trusting her and trying to control her. We didn't speak for almost two weeks after - so it wasn't really worth it, except for the fact I KNOW his life was just as miserable. Even that didn't make it worth it...
Tallula, I do admire your strength you have shown by NOT getting involved in the same activities I did.
- if it wasn't for my kids, I'd probably be in jail right now.