GTO, I read this last night and again this morning.
Quote:
"while mommies and daddies ALWAYS love their children sometimes mommies and daddies stop loving each other. Daddy stopped loving me. I still love daddy. That's why he moved out. He is not planning to move back any time soon. Some mommies and daddies get a D, but we have not talked about this at all. But it is a possibility. It is not what I want for our family at all."
I'm curious why you included what I did a strikethrough on? Were your kids asking for more information? I'm a a believer that kids ask for things when they are ready to deal with it and that different ages will be ready at different times.
Were you telling them because of anxiety you had or were they expressing a need to know more.
My sons are much older than yours but one of my mistakes with them was trying to make it all Dad's fault. He is their father, he's been a great father and they will always love them. Trying to take him down a notch only lessened me a bit in their eyes, and mine.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Been away from the boards for a bit. You sound really good GTO!
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
LA is right. Not sure telling your children daddy stopped loving mom is fair or the right thing to do. You have to be careful. My W told my S that Daddy was never moving home. They remember everything and I still get asked about things to date
Yea, I was waiting for others to chime in on that. It's different because mine are soooo young, they don't really ask why. I find in all situations, I don't answer unasked questions. I use to, and it got me in trouble.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
LA is right. Not sure telling your children daddy stopped loving mom is fair or the right thing to do. You have to be careful.
But it is the truth, and it sounds like it wss stated in a gentle and non bitter manner. I'm not sure how you beat around the bush on an issue this grave. I'd like to hear the rational for not telling the kids the truth.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I have to agree with FY. I thought about this a long time before talking to my kids. Their thoughts about H leaving b/c of their grandma dying were off base and I wanted to set them straight.
Their g-pa just had brain surgery. Their auntie just started chemo. I didn't want them thinking that something else "bad" was going to happen in their lives b/c their relatives are sick.
Although they weren't asking, I felt they needed to know. I needed to be honest with them. And, I felt I did this in a way that was not demeaning or blaming to H. Rather, just stated what happened. The truth. H's actual words, not mine.
I will not tell them about OW b/c they are too young & there are a lot of reasons why this would not be in their best interests, but I feel they previous thinking might lead to misinterpretations of what.
I don't understand how this isn't "fair" when it is the truth. They deserve some of the truth, I believe.
Thanks for your thoughts, labug, PoN, Tallula, and FY!
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
GTO, lots of opinions and advice. I think it's good the kids know the truth but it would be best if your H was present when you have these conversations. I think the kids might hold resentment toward their father if they see him as the only one at fault. And yes, he was the one to abandon you guys, but you want the kids to continue looking up to him. So next time, I would include him. I'm not a mother, but I can imagine what it would be like to be told my dad left me bc he doesn't love my mom (which I would take it as "he doesn't love me either.") Just my thoughts. Honesty, though, is critical. So keep doing that.
I received a little bit of coaching from both my C and my kids' C for this conversation. I hold fast that I did what was best for them.
Plus I reinforced to them that mommy and daddy both still love them and always will. (We both tell them that every day.)
I think the kids will form their own opinions and feelings about what is happening regardless of what I tell them. S9 is already mad about his dad leaving. S14 is living in his own little bubble world. And, S11 just wants everyone to be happy and constantly "checks in" with both me and his dad to ask, "So, how are you doing today?"
Honestly, they are awesome kids. (I know I'm quite biased and I know they have their own bag of imperfections, but will always protect them and try to act in their best interests.)
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
