Help & Advice needed please Thread 2

[Mach1]

I understand what you're saying with regards my W doesn't feel the same. But at the moment she has a OM and sees her Son 3 days a week - surely us working to live in a happy marriage where she sees her Son everyday would be better than her current life? It really does baffle me.

Hmm....

It would certainly make sense now wouldn't it...

Only that is YOUR fix for her....not hers



Intact, IF she were to come back to you today, and ask to make it work....

Are you where you want to be ????

Are you to the point, where there is no chance that things would fall back into familiar patterns in a few months ???

Generally, there is a reason that these things take time.

It is so you BOTH can step away and heal...

That ^^^^ just sounds really judgmental to me

[Intact]

I understand what you're saying with regards my W doesn't feel the same. But at the moment she has a OM and sees her Son 3 days a week - surely us working to live in a happy marriage where she sees her Son everyday would be better than her current life? It really does baffle me.

Hmm....

It would certainly make sense now wouldn't it...

Only that is YOUR fix for her....not hers



Intact, IF she were to come back to you today, and ask to make it work....

Are you where you want to be ????

Are you to the point, where there is no chance that things would fall back into familiar patterns in a few months ???

Generally, there is a reason that these things take time.

It is so you BOTH can step away and heal...

That ^^^^ just sounds really judgmental to me

Thank you Mach I appreciate your advice - it wasn't supposed to sound judgemental but it is something that baffles me. It really is.

Honestly, I really think I am now in a place where I would never make the same mistakes again. I love my W with all of my heart, and if I had been told long ago that what I was doing or wasn't doing was hurting her I would of worked on rectifying it immediately...

I just think (and I know I shouldn't) that my W has now fallen in love with OM which seems to leave me with very little chance of reconciliation. I know, I know I'm mind reading but it is how I feel.

[Grizz]

Intact, I feel the same way about my W when it comes to the kids. We have discussed 50/50 share but that seems awful to me. I can't imagine not seeing my girls everyday.

I too am awful about mind reading and it really causes me alot of grief. Some how we have got to figure out how to stop that.

Good luck.

[Intact]

Thanks Grizz - I wish you luck too. I have my son 50 percent of the time, and whilst I understand I'm lucky compared to other sitches, I hate not being able o give him a kiss goodnight every night.

No matter how much GAL I do, I miss my Wife and Son more than I ever felt possible.

[Grizz]

It's amazing how the feeling of emptiness hits you. My W is still in the house and I miss her terribly if that makes sense. I can't wrap my head around not being able to kiss them goodnight.

They say GALing becomes easier the more you do it. But for now,?I am like you. It is hard to still not think about them even when out GALing.

[Intact]

Like you, I feel empty a lot of the time. It's catch 22 almost - when I don't have our son I miss him desperately, when he is with me I love it and have great fun but it is always in the back of mind that wife is with OM - I find it very painful.

[Intact]

JOURNAL

Just had a meeting with W she asked if our Son could meet OM. I told her whilst I can't stop her I feel it is too soon and a little inappropriate. She told me that "I had to accept it sooner or later as she thinks he's 'the one'" Horrible.

Nice stuff to hear that. She also told me how her Mother has said how she looks happier than ever and that her friends keep telling her I look miserable and rough. So much for GALing - I never look miserable or rough when I'm out and about...

[Intact]

With regards to the ^ above post she also said "it's different with him, I can be myself"

[Mach1]

Just had a meeting with W she asked if our Son could meet OM. I told her whilst I can't stop her I feel it is too soon and a little inappropriate. She told me that "I had to accept it sooner or later as she thinks he's 'the one'" Horrible.

Is this the hill you want to die on ???

Just a simple question you should be asking yourself before you react to any situation.

You aren't always going to like her choices, and they won't always match up to what is perfect. You don't have to like them, although you do have to acknowledge them.

Be there for your Son, if/when he asks questions.

One important thing I learned, was that it isn't your job to facilitate their (wife) relationship. Your only job, is to NOT damage it.

I'm not saying it is right either, cause it isn't. Although it is her decision to make.

This guy will never be your Son's Father, no matter how hard he tries.....

Nice stuff to hear that. She also told me how her Mother has said how she looks happier than ever and that her friends keep telling her I look miserable and rough. So much for GALing - I never look miserable or rough when I'm out and about...

Blah, Blah, Blah.....bullschidt

This is why you don't talk to friends and family about this. You are gonna get a biased opinion, depending on what side of the fence you are on....

Want a pick me up ? Call your family...

Wanna feel worse ? Call her family....

YOUR opinion of you is all that matters, and you have really sukced at that up till now.

And make no mistake, she is running on pure emotion right now. when the dust settles ????

Things will be different. If YOU are different...

I just think (and I know I shouldn't) that my W has now fallen in love with OM which seems to leave me with very little chance of reconciliation. I know, I know I'm mind reading but it is how I feel.

Yea.....

Well "thinking" got you here didn't it ???

Stop thinking that you know what she is doing, or saying, or feeling...

Cause you really don't know...

If you did, I would be hittin you up for the winning lottery numbers...

This isn't easy, on either of you. She is reacting from emotion, and so are you. There is no reason for BOTH of you to do so.

Start applying the DB rules, and living them, so that you can act from rational , instead of REacting from emotion....

[Intact]

Just had a meeting with W she asked if our Son could meet OM. I told her whilst I can't stop her I feel it is too soon and a little inappropriate. She told me that "I had to accept it sooner or later as she thinks he's 'the one'" Horrible.

Is this the hill you want to die on ???

Just a simple question you should be asking yourself before you react to any situation.

You aren't always going to like her choices, and they won't always match up to what is perfect. You don't have to like them, although you do have to acknowledge them.

Be there for your Son, if/when he asks questions.

One important thing I learned, was that it isn't your job to facilitate their (wife) relationship. Your only job, is to NOT damage it.

I'm not saying it is right either, cause it isn't. Although it is her decision to make.

This guy will never be your Son's Father, no matter how hard he tries.....

Nice stuff to hear that. She also told me how her Mother has said how she looks happier than ever and that her friends keep telling her I look miserable and rough. So much for GALing - I never look miserable or rough when I'm out and about...

Blah, Blah, Blah.....bullschidt

This is why you don't talk to friends and family about this. You are gonna get a biased opinion, depending on what side of the fence you are on....

Want a pick me up ? Call your family...

Wanna feel worse ? Call her family....

YOUR opinion of you is all that matters, and you have really sukced at that up till now.

And make no mistake, she is running on pure emotion right now. when the dust settles ????

Things will be different. If YOU are different...

I just think (and I know I shouldn't) that my W has now fallen in love with OM which seems to leave me with very little chance of reconciliation. I know, I know I'm mind reading but it is how I feel.

Yea.....

Well "thinking" got you here didn't it ???

Stop thinking that you know what she is doing, or saying, or feeling...

Cause you really don't know...

If you did, I would be hittin you up for the winning lottery numbers...

This isn't easy, on either of you. She is reacting from emotion, and so are you. There is no reason for BOTH of you to do so.

Start applying the DB rules, and living them, so that you can act from rational , instead of REacting from emotion....

Thanks Mach - I know you're right. I do react from emotion - I've always been terrible at this. It was just stuff today that was all very hard to hear.

The thing is, I'm actually proud of the changes I've made - yes, they are still a work in progress but I very much like and respect the "new me".

Perhaps you're right and when the dust settles she may think differently... I hope so.

I do think her IC is a bit of a nightmare - I didn't like her when we went to MC as it seemed she just wanted to get my Wife out of the M. Wife now says that counsellor has told her we shouldn't be friends and we should only discuss things in a business like manor.