Have been continuing to read up on you and your sitch despite my lack of posting. I find the way you handle your sitch with such dignity that it is inspiring. I don't have a lot to offer in terms of advice because our sitchs are not very similar.
The idea of growing a backbone and respect really resonates with me. I have been think a lot about that lately, especially after reading Tallula's recent updates. Something in me struck a chord.
I think I have been working a lot of lovingly detaching, but there is/was not a lot of bone in my back. And I think it has prevented me from truly letting go, in a loving matter. Its that d@mn fear. So even though I was very careful with my interactions with H and becoming the person I want to be, it was still coming from a place of fear and not strength in who I am and who I was and who I can be.
I agree with you that we need to love and respect ourselves first and foremost for ourselves, for our children and for all of our other Rs. When we do that, I think the rest will fall into place.
I hope all the best for you and your family Breakdown. And am with you in our quest to grow our backbones.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I found the discussion about mutual respect enlightening. It seems like common sense but I don't know that I ever looked at it quite that way before. For those who haven't read it, the basic idea is that if your spouse is disrespecting you (i.e. having an EA/PA), and you allow it, their respect for you continues to erode and therefore, so does their attraction to you.
My basic advice to Regret in her sitch was to "grow a backbone" and now I can see why I felt that way...definitely goes to respect. When my W did it, I actually became more attracted to her. I had more respect for her than I ever had, and therefore wanted it to work more than ever.
I've been in limbo for a long time now and I can see now that the reason why is that I wasn't ready to let go. I think you really do have to be ok with the M ending (i.e. opening the cage as Dobson called it). You really do have to love and respect yourself, and convey that to your partner.
Interesting thought here, of course we should grow a backbone, in hindsight it seems so obvious, however during the emotional period of the BD and for some many months after we feel guilty as heII. I think this guilt transforms into subservient attitudes, for me a little co-dependency thing going on as well. Nothing to bad but enough to almost stop me in my tracks. Keep the thought rolling, I like your thinking.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
I agree Sub. We do enter this journey with a lot of guilt and, may I add, even shame. I was so embarrassed and felt like such a fool for what had happened in my M that I was apologetic for even breathing sometimes (!). I feel like I can start to "see" more objectively now that my H was not on a pedestal, it was me that put him on it. It made me feel like I was not 'good enough' for him.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Busting and Sub, thanks for the input...and I agree.
Sometimes I feel like I am swimming in the ocean and all this great input, whether thru books, IC, or from this forum is floating around. It all has it's place, and eventually it'll all come together, but a lot of times it just feels like you are staring at one piece and can't see the entire picture.
Fix me? Yes, definitely. Show W my changes? Check. GAL? Check. Enjoy the moment? Check. Forgive me...and W? Got it. Love me? Uh...ok. Stand up for myself? Uh...I was just figuring out how screwed up I was a minute ago...can I do that?
Certainly, there is a timeline where all these things fit...but unfortunately, the timeline is different for every single person so it's difficult to replicate for others.
I believe it is a process...looking back I'm happy with what I've done and the timeline I've done it in, but even with the progress I've made, even with the short term plans I've made, I still feel lost sometimes. I feel like I am on the right path now. I don't think my W can move forward until I let her go. But it is like sliding on the ice and someone telling you not to brake...it goes against your natural instinct.
I love my W with all my heart...she is my soulmate, if there is such a thing. Yet, thru this process, I find myself letting go....I don't want to, but I feel I have to. I feel that not only do I need to respect her and her beliefs, but I have to respect me and stop allowing her to do things I wouldn't accept in a new relationship. When I look back over the last few years and see the disrespect my W has treated me with, and I've accepted, it's appalling. My commitment to this M has overwritten my self-respect....to my detriment.
Respect and growing a backbone seems to be a recent theme. I've been hearing similar things for past couple weeks. It's a tough thing to change at times but I think it's what we all need to do. We have to respect ourselves before we can expect anyone else to respect us.
Originally Posted By: Breakdown
I have to respect me and stop allowing her to do things I wouldn't accept in a new relationship. When I look back over the last few years and see the disrespect my W has treated me with, and I've accepted, it's appalling. My commitment to this M has overwritten my self-respect....to my detriment.
It still shocks me we're so similar. I can't believe some of the things I've accepted either in my M. I'm glad we're both seeing this and we're getting our respect back. I think I was referred to as an enabling master cake baker.
Stay strong buddy and stay the course in regards to DBing (continuing to work on you). You sound good..
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
I really relate to putting up with things I would absolutely not put up with in a new R. Right now it's become easier with my H. But now it's the rest of the world... All this dang growth I'm having to do. Boo hiss!
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Just posted on my decision, and it had to do with my self respect as well
I feel good about it and obviously we always have trepidation about defining boundaries, especially those of us who have controlled our whole lives. Will our spouses see it as another control issue? So, we grapple with that as well, at least I do.
but I have to respect me and stop allowing her to do things I wouldn't accept in a new relationship.
What are these things, BD?
Honestly, most of the things I found disrespectful she stopped last summer. But the one that remains is a pretty big one...continued contact with OM.
So far, I've followed the advice of my DB coaches:
- don't worry about OM for now - continue working on me - take the time until court and make it awesome
As I look back over the last 7-8 months, I think it's fair to say I've done a pretty good job for the most part in following this advice.
In my last coaching session, we agreed to continue enjoying the moment until court, and if W continued to press for D, then change gears and start detaching, start doing more GAL, create more mystery, be less available, etc. I think Mach1 has been telling me the same thing as well.
I think that's what I'm doing now, but I also think it's time to take a stronger stance on the OM. He is a deal breaker for me and it's time I started acting like it.
