Need to let go

[littleGTO]

Thanks, Tori!

I had an IC session today. I wasn't sure what I wanted to focus on, but it seems when I get there it all poors out.

Basically after I talked & cried for 1/2 hr, my C said she sees that I have more to a "new place." That I am really starting to grieve the ending of my M. Not sure what all the months prior to today I was crying about....?

But, I think she is right. Not only do I feel more emotional lately, I feel different. Like there is really no going back. The past is over, and our M is too. I don't even know where I stand any more. I know my hope is really about nill. And, I also know I wouldn't accept H back w/out A LOT of changes.

SO, not sure where that leaves me. Moving forward, slowly, I guess. Grieving and allowing myself to feel all the emotions that come to me.

I just have never been here. What do you do to move on from a 20-year relationship? When you share 3 growing boys to co-parent. When there is an OW in the picture. When H is not the person I've known all these years. I just don't know.

But, I know I WILL get through this! And, I have a tremendous support group. I have 3 beautiful boys (and a very sweet little kitty).

Looking forward to this new meetup tennis group Sat night. Not looking forward to boys all sleeping over at H's aptmt and waking up to an empty house (except little Lulu!).

[ThisDayForward]

if you want to goto the playoffs then go! Kids first was my always my rule

FYI. I left 5 counselors who all told me to leave my W! One C handed me a card for a local L. I told her she was crazy and wasn't pro marriage. I actually told another C she wasn't pro marriage and it really hit her hard. I actually told a guy I met at EE about MWD work and to read up on it. He is a big MC in NYC.

YOU DON'T KNOW IF YOUR M IS OVER. You are not a fortune teller. So stop trying to be one.

You need to live in the moment. POWER OF NOW. Eckhart Tolle. Hence my handle. Bond told me to change my handle id from something negative to something positive and I'm glad I did.

Start living in the moment. Your C is going to tell you what you want to hear especially if you are feeding her negative stuff. TRUST me. Your C should be helping you focus on yourself and if she is talking and/or encouraging D I would run very far and fast.

GOOGLE: Law of Attractions. Cliff notes:

If you think you will be D'd you will be D'd.
If you think you will be broke, you will be broke.
If you think you will have cancer, you will have cancer.

Did you know that the majority of cancer is from holding onto the past and holding onto hurt. Your mind heals if you let it.

You should be meditating and/or doing yoga. You need to move the negative blocked CHI in your system.

Do you know what happens when your body runs out of chi??

DEATH.

Start being positive. Starting living more in the moment. Focus only on you and the kids. Detach in a loving manner. GAL helps you detach

Keep your head up. You are a STRONG lady. Stronger then me

PON~

[reb9597]

POW, thank you for your positive attitude! I needed this today, had a similar experience with my IC yesterday too. Stop being a fortune teller - man that's hard for me too.

[BrightFuture]

GTO, I have these moments of no hope too. I’m almost in NC. Sometimes it feels that my M is over, sometimes I think this is just temporary misunderstanding. My emotions are all still over. But, it gets better with time.

I agree with PowerOfNow, “start living in the moment”. Take one day at a time. I want to try one of these meetup groups too. I’m thinking dance, or hiking.

[AnotherStander]

Like there is really no going back. The past is over, and our M is too.

Yes. You shouldn't strive to go back to your old M. Your H doesn't want that and you shouldn't either. The past is over. Your M is over. That doesn't mean you can't have a new M with your H though.

I know my hope is really about nill. And, I also know I wouldn't accept H back w/out A LOT of changes.

I know what you mean, I've pretty much lost hope as well. 9 months in and W's fortress walls are as tall, intimidating and strong as ever. I know reconcilations have happened after longer periods of time, but the reality is the odds are so low. As many say around here, there's hope for as long as we care to hold it in our hearts. But for me, holding onto hope when the chances of reconciliation are so tiny makes it seem like I'm just unnecessarily extending the pain and discomfort of my sitch. I've never been a gambler, so the idea of putting my life on hold for, say a 5% chance of reconciliation just seems like a waste of what little time I have left on earth. I'd rather get busy living my new life.

SO, not sure where that leaves me. Moving forward, slowly, I guess. Grieving and allowing myself to feel all the emotions that come to me.

And that's a healthy place to be. Because you DO need to grieve, and getting through that process will lead to your "new normal" and your desire to GAL truly for yourself.

I just have never been here. What do you do to move on from a 20-year relationship? When you share 3 growing boys to co-parent. When there is an OW in the picture. When H is not the person I've known all these years. I just don't know.

As you know our sitches are so similar! I think first I had to accept that the W I fell in love with and spent 25 years with was gone. Then I had to decide if the person she had become was someone I even wanted to be married to. What I asked myself is this- if I was single and met this woman, what would I think about her? Would I want to pursue her? Strangely the answer is no, I wouldn't even be interested. But, she's not a stranger, she's mom to my kids and so that raises her above the rest of the field by default. So then I had to ask myself, am I willing to be in a R with this woman, someone I wouldn't normally pursue, just because she's mom to my kids? Now THAT is a tough question. Basically am I willing to be married to someone I love but am not in love with just to keep from breaking up the family? Should I sacrifice the possibility of finding true love for that? To be honest it's a question I haven't felt inclined to spend a lot of time on because I don't expect W to change her mind anyway.

Looking forward to this new meetup tennis group Sat night. Not looking forward to boys all sleeping over at H's aptmt and waking up to an empty house (except little Lulu!).

That was the hardest part for me too. My little long-haired mini dachsund was my companion through many of those lonely nights, she really helped me through some tough times! She is just the sweetest little thing and always likes to be right by my side. She made me feel like I wasn't alone.

[tori2012]

Then I had to decide if the person she had become was someone I even wanted to be married to. What I asked myself is this- if I was single and met this woman, what would I think about her? Would I want to pursue her? Strangely the answer is no,

GTO, you've received great advice. I agree with PoN that IC tend to want you to "move on." I remember spending hours at my IC's and MC's office crying and feeling worse about myself. They would all say the same thing: "you're starting to grieve, blah blah." That's what they're taught to do in school. But what is it that you really feel?

As long as you are willing to be patient, choose to think you will save your M.

I quoted AS because I felt (and feel) exactly the same way. If my H were a stranger, I would never--NEVER--be interested in having a R with him, esp after all the lies and betrayal. I stayed with him bc I loved him and he was my H. Now that we're going through the D, he will be at the same "level" as anyone else, so I doubt I would ever choose him as my partner again, as sad as that is.

Big hug to you, and have an awesome time at tennis!!

[ForeverYoung]

I've never been a gambler, so the idea of putting my life on hold for, say a 5% chance of reconciliation just seems like a waste of what little time I have left on earth. I'd rather get busy living my new life.

If we're doing it right, our life is not on hold, and we are busy living our new life. Enjoying our life does not require anything from another person.

I just have never been here. What do you do to move on from a 20-year relationship? When you share 3 growing boys to co-parent. When there is an OW in the picture. When H is not the person I've known all these years. I just don't know.

This is the biggest reason to stand, in my opinion. You are aware that most D's happen at the 7-8 year mark, right? All three of us have beat that milestone by far for a reason. Because we had true commitment and learned how to work out our differences. Our M's have already stood the test of time. I figure our long commitments deserve the best that we can give.

Should I sacrifice the possibility of finding true love for that?

Personally, I'd wonder more what the odds are of finding "true love". (whatever that means to you) Certainly you'd agree you and your W had it for years. Will your next "true love" relationship last longer than your present 20+ year M? The odds say nope.

Michele tells us to not allow anyone to tell us when it's time to throw in the towel. Also that if and when the time comes we will know.

I'm waiting for my wife's "feelings" to return. Maybe they never will, but starting over with someone else is no sure deal either. In the meantime I plan to move on with my life and be happy about it. Bust On, my friends!

[littleGTO]

Thanks for your posts AS, Tori, BF, PoN & reb,

I appreciate the insight and advice tremendously. You've all given me a lot to think about.

This is my 3rd IC. I like her approach. She is definitely not directing me toward D. Is she pro-M. Yes. BUt, she is not giving me DBIng-like advice. She is very good at directing me to some excellent resources/books.

Journaling-
Very interesting weekend. Fri was a snow day & we (me & boys were stuck together all alone until late afternoon-no H). It was awesome just to relax and spend the day together!

H cam over & snowblowed the driveway then hobbled in all doubled over. Evidentally he hurt his back and could barely move. I felt bad, as I would have done the driveway myself (or enlisted S14 to do it). He didn't stay long b/c he was in such pain he didn't see any reason to hang around .

Sat he called and said he was in such pain he wasn't going to be able to coach boys' bball games (so I knew he was in serious pain) so we didn't see him all day. Again, the lack of contact made the day relaxing/stress-free for me.

I went ahead and went to my tennis meetup (as my boys are old enough to stay alone for several hours by themselves). It was a lot of fun and I met some very nice people. I am glad I went.

Sun H came over briefly in am and thought he would join me and boys to go see his sister (as she starts chemo this week). But he couldn't even sit in my car w/o being in pain, so I convinced him that this wasn't a good idea for him.

He got out and got into his truck and started to cry. I rolled down my window and asked him if he was in pain or upset? He said "both." He really wanted to be w the boys.

He called me about 5 minutes into my drive and said, "I don't know why I'm calling. I just don't know where I'm supposed to be. I really wanted to see the boys. "

Now I know I probably shouldn't have said this, but I did... " You know you are welcome to come back and be with us." He said, "I know. I appreciate that." Not going to try to interpret that at all.

I called him on the way home as he said he might come back to the house to see the boys but again said he was in too much pain. Boys were disappointed, esp S11, as he likes predictability and hates not seeing his dad.

Clearly he was upset about not seeing boys this w/e. He came to house after boys got home from school and stayed until 8:00. I went to they gym and grocery shopping so I didn't actually spend much time w him. But, I did thank him for doing laundry...

...He made a comment about some new undies I had bought and had gone thru the laundry. "I see you got some new undies. You never got these when we were together."

I just replied that I had bought them for my new low-rise jeans & needed bikinis. (Interesting he commented about this...again, not going to read into this at all.)

PoN. I will have to get the book Power of Now to read. I've heard a lot about it and it sounds like something I need.

Despite the lengthy talk about H on this post (and, BTW, PoN, I DID go a week w/o talking about H here), I have been living day by day and staying in the present more. I am starting to enjoy my boys more (when they aren't driving each other crazy or whining about this or that LOL!).

Thanks again, everyone!

[bustingout]

Hi GTO,

you sound like you are doing much much better. I am happy to read that :-)

Keep doing what you are doing. It a daily challenge but you can do it. I know you can. :-)

[JuneReN]

Turtle, it sounds like we maybe are grieving together. I drank a few glasses red wine Friday and cried all night lol! Some sense of loss, probably for the realization that what I want and what I actually need are two very different things.

My H also makes the " glad you are meeting new people" noise and as you know has been pushing me to date. I accepted a date and canceled.. Not on his timeline and I won't alleviate his guilt or affirm his notion that " aha. I don't love him after all". I'll go when I'm ready.

So this all catapulted me back on my path because I can't live like that

Still friends with H, still best friends, but it is a different vibe for me. My mantra is " live my life cuz I can't live someone else's !"