I know exactly what you mean. In my opinion, if you want him there he should be there. Your family can be mad all they want, but in the end they have to understand that it is your decision, between you and your H.
And let's hope they don't judge you for this, but it will be hard, only because they care for you.
Hi Tallula, Have I posted on your thread before? If not here is my advice...
When I was 8mos prego I discovered clues of the affair. 3 days after baby was born it was confirmed.
Do I regret including him in my pregnancy and childbirth? In the past I woulda said no. Let me explain why... -I saw it as my daughter's history. -I wanted him to be able to tell her about her birth as my dad did every birthday. -I didn't believe it was my day but our (my daughter and myself) day. And I know she would want him involved. My dad did a lot of stupid things but I'm so grateful that he shared very special moments with me and my birth is one of them. His relationship with my mom is separate from my relationship with him. -I thought it would help him WAKE up from all this. (didn't make a dent!) but this was me trying to control and that's very childish.
Now that I'm past all the emotions from discovering the affair, I'm clear headed and can say that I would not have had H involved in the pregnancy or the delivery. Why? -I wanted to have a natural birth and couldn't focus on something other than what I was suspecting that he was doing. -I would've wanted people in the room that were there to help me and not hurt me (of course not intentionally but I wanted to be in a healthy frame of mind) -It would've helped me distance myself from the sitch and just focus on baby and me.
I don't rack my brain from all the shoulda's because in the end I believe I made the best decision given the circumstances. I was in a very very difficult sitch and I did my best!
You will too!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
I refuse to act bitter & angry towards my H. He is the father of my children & I want a good relationship with him for them. The momentary relief of treating him badly won't be worth a strained relationship. They don't think I should have him at the ultrasound, etc.
Im walking this how I am, and they will chose their path. It's really hard for me to "disappoint" people, but I do know today that this boundary is for me.
Tallula,
I think that what you wrote ^^^^^ says it all. For me (and for many others here) the hardest part of this process has been to actually keep the road home paved and smooth. To act with empathy and kindness to our spouses in the face of deceit, lies, selfishness and abandonment. We struggle with being detached enough and loving enough to avoid the temptation of acting like a victim or being punitive, judgmental or vindictive, even when we think we are not doing so.
One of the things I have come to admire of you, despite of how tough and recent your situation is, is your ability to be so strong, to act kindly to your H and to really focus on what is in your best interest and that of your kids, despite how much you are hurting.
Yes, enforcing boundaries with those we love is tough, doing the right thing is tough but like you say, you are walking this HOW YOU ARE. In the end, the only person you need to answer to is the one staring back when you look in the mirror.
((((tallula))))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
I know I need to state my boundaries. Only mY sister knows that he cheated in me more than once. I've kept much from them, but they are mad. I get it. They don't agree with some ways I'm handling this. I refuse to act bitter & angry towards my H. He is the father of my children & I want a good relationship with him for them. The momentary relief of treating him badly won't be worth a strained relationship. They don't think I should have him at the ultrasound, etc.
Im walking this how I am, and they will chose their path. It's really hard for me to "disappoint" people, but I do know today that this boundary is for me. They can judge me if they chose, I'm the one who has to live with my choices. I chose to tell them, so I have to deal.
I really hate being an adult. I've thought more about running away as an adult than when I was a kid...
Sounds like you have a great way of talking with them about where you are. Be firm, yet loving say what you have to then walk around the corner and throw up. It gets a little easier each time you stand up for yourself.
I'm so sorry for your loss, make sure you take time for YOU to grieve the loss of your Grandmother, everyone else can figure themselves out and if they can't "OH WELL". Here is a redneck hug (((((Tallula)))))
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
Tally, I fear if you start practicing avoidance it will become a habit, but a couple things:
Deaths often make people contemplate their lives and their worths. You or H may feel particularly close during this time , but you have to chalk it up to what it is. Can you do this, with H there? Remember,you are responsible for you. Not behaviour of H or mom etc. it's all you can control. If you feel H should be present, and he wants to go, by all means. Maybe explain to your mom that H was a huge part of this family for a long time. He will continue to be father of these children , your grandchildren, and continue to be a part of our lives regardless.
Thanks guys! I so plan to tell my mom this. If I keep avoiding stuff, it's just going to get bigger & I'll tie myself in knots.
H is the one that wants to be there. I have no problem with it. Plus, we have decided not to make public our separation, so dealing with my grandmothers passing & fielding questions about where my H is would make me want to punch people.
Bottom line. He is here is in my life forever. We have children & he is a good dad. Do I want to scream at him? Yes. Have I, uh huh. Did it make me feel better? Not really. I still have to feel all my feelings. So living in anger and resentment will just prolong it.
I slept like crap last night. I'm in knots. We were all at my aunts last night looking through pictures. It was hard enough answering where H was at last night. But the truth was that he was cleaning out his grandmas apartment with his sisters, since she is in a nursing home now. So when I was leaving, my mom was like "call me tomorrow and we will talk." I have to be honest, I'm mad at her. I'm mad at myself for telling them. But what I'm really mad at, is that I have to set boundaries & let go of how others choose to act. Very hard for me & scary. But as my sponsor said,"you believe in making things look good in public. You get that from your mom. I doubt anyone will make a scene. But, it's out of your control. You keep allowing this and it's just going to get harder & harder each time."
This is one of my biggest problems. Trying to force a situation to be ok. Everyone happy. Everyone act "right". I will try to manipulate things. Beg H to act like this, my family to act like that. Not my job or in my control. Which, me no likey!
Off to church. H is coming over to spend time with the kids later. Friday night we all had dinner & went bowling. It was pretty great. I'm detached enough now, to not look at my kids & H and be sad we aren't a "happy" family. H also apologized for acting the way he did when I told him no when he put the moves on me. He said he understood completely why & thinks its a good thing. The only thing that happened that I need to talk to him about his S3. When we pulled up to H's apartment S3 got upset, started to cry & said "I miss you, come live back home with us!" H was upset, hasn't dealt with this yet. He grabbed S3's hand and told him how much he lived him & then said "I'll be home soon, buddy." Um...yeah. Can't say that! So tonight I think I need to tell him that I've just been reassuring him that daddy & I love him very much, hold him & talk him through it. That we shouldn't tell him that, since we don't know if that will happen.
I get to have a ton of fun conversations today. Yippee me!!!
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Hay Tallula, I hated when my son would say he wanted his dad to come home. Broke my heart. You're doing a great job reminding him that his actions don't change how you feels about him (Son).
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
My son said to me yesterday that basically Dad was a dorp and that S didn't understand any of his behaviour at all. LOL. I said basically we support the people we love and at the same time we get to learn from the mistakes we make and see how we would and would not like to live our own lives. That you may not agree with decisions, but you love them anyway. Course S is almost17..
How did convo with mom go Tally? Sending you a little energy today (the good stuff)
Course S is almost17..