Need to let go

[littleGTO]

Thanks, Tallula, ruby, PoN, Tori, BF and bustin,

I appreciate all of you coming to my rescue to give me some good words of wisdom in my moments of misery last night.

Today was better although I was still a bit teary-eyed during church this morning.

H called before he came over today which is new. He asked when would be okay for him to come. He wanted to know if he should come when I was ready to leave to do grocery shopping/go to the gym, as I told him last night I was not comfortable being around him when he was here.

I told him I did not communicate what I meant using the right words--I am comfortable around him--in fact it sometimes seems oddly normal when he's here, but it gives me mixed feelings when I know things are anything but normal. He said he understood.

I apologized for changing S13's bday plans last minute w/o consulting him as if roles were reversed I definitely would have been upset. He said he wants us ALWAYS (there's that word I hate) to be able to do what's best for the boys & to be together for important events.

I bit my tongue as I know this probably won't be possible, AND he is NOT putting the boys interests first by doing what he is doing!

Anyway I tried to be upbeat around him today and we got along fine for the time we were together here.

Again, I took off one of my rings and he pointed out that if I wanted it, here it was! (He knows I value the sentimentally of my rings immensely, but I don't know why he points out where they are if I happen to take them off & he noticed them. Oh,well.)

Our new kitty has a name (finally)! It is Lulu! She is an absolute sweety. Last night after my crying marathon she cuddles up right on my pillow by my face and her little purring motor put me to sleep! She is a little gift from God!

[ThisDayForward]

"I forced myself to go out alone to a movie tonight. That was fine & I was okay there. However, I lied to my H and told him I was going out w a meetup group to socialize ...invented a story that the tennis group that I was going to meet w decided to just make it a social since courts weren't available."

I don't see a problem with this. It is GAL. In the future you don't owe him wear you are going. But do you see that this makes him curious. That getting on with your life makes him curious. GAL and acting as if makes him curious.

"He questioned me about how I came upon "this group." Told him I googled a sports and fitness group to meet up w and came upon this one & found one of there events was to play indoor tennis (all true)."

Again making him curious. Still none of his business. Did he question you or ask you a question.

"He noticed I had taken off all 3 rings he'd had given me on my right hand & before I left said "your rings are on the counter if you want them." Interesting."

That is interesting. Could have said thanks and walked out. You are taking rings off for you. Not for him. Not to spite him. I wore my rings through entire separation. Even after wife took hers off and told me to date other women.

"He also clearly made a "sound" which I interpreted as "you aren't going out looking like that!" when I came downstairs. Of course he said nothing."

analyzing, projecting, mind reading

"I told him I would be home at bedtime for the boys so he didn't have to stay late and so they didn't need to sleepover at his aptmt. My movie was later than I thought so I texted him at 10 and asked him if he minded if he put the boys to bed and I would be home at 11. "Yes, he would mind," he said. So I texted him back saying, "No problem, just thought I would ask."

You handled this perfectly

"When I got home he was obviously upset (again) and then we got into things about the day. This included a last minute change in S13's birthday plans to do lasertag & dinner today, which I invited H to come (last minute,I'll admit). He commented on how he felt he should have been called about the switch in plans earlier. I said we just decided before S9's basketball game which is when I told you and invited you. We got into this 10 minute discussion/argument about the boys and when/where he gets to spend "quality time" w them. I told him I didn't really want to be around him when he's here (at the house) but that I still feel strongly about boys having one home. Without going into it all here...he left in a huff.But, he called me on his way back to his apartment and said he didn't want us to get into arguments where the boys were concerned as we were never ones to fight/argue so why start now. He said maybe we can find time to talk tomorrow about the weekend time w the boys. "

Sounds like you handled this a mature level. Try not to do things out of spite. Last second changes. I know you did not wish for this situation. But the kids are first.

"I am crying b/c of where we are at and the fact that it comes back to the reality that I know I can't be w my boys all the time any more. But, I can't seem to let this go! "

This is tough. When you are with them you make every second count.

"And, also my H said on the phone how "proud" he is that I'm "getting out there and meeting new people" which is what he thought I was doing tonight, but wasn't. It was like he's cheering me on to move on w my life so he can move on w his."

analyzing, projecting, mind reading

My wife waited for a counseling session (safe place) to tell me she wanted a divorce and she would feel better if I started to date other people. (alleviate her guilt of breaking up feeling)
It crushed me. Please do not get hung up on his words. It is scripted ok.

"Can't stop crying. It just hurts sooooooo much!!!"

You cry as much as you need. You start getting support from other people outside of family members and friends. I suggest joining a church group. How was your upbringing? did you grow up in a dysfunctional home. What are your goals? How about not posting anything about your H for 1 week on here. Only post stuff about what you are doing for you. What are your 180's? Name 3 and what are you doing to implement them. You are doing these for you not to win your H back.

What can you do to continue to take the focus of your H and put the focus on you

Hang in there.

PON

[ThisDayForward]

god I hate you can't edit.

*where you are going.

better if I started to date other people. (alleviate her guilt of breaking up *family)

[littleGTO]

Thanks, PoN, for taking the time to post in such detail to my thread. I appreciate the feedback.

Okay, one week, no talk on here about H. I can do it!

Upcoming GALs--going to a "new school" meeting for S11 tomorrow w a friend. Thursday either IC OR meeting w friend at her house for drinks after work. And, Saturday night indoor tennis (third time's a charm?). Oh, and all 3 boys have bball games on Sat. which is always fun.

Oh, and boys will probably spend the night (Sat) w their dad (2nd time for S9/S14 and 1st times for S11).

My upbringing was an intact family, fairly traditional in a lot of ways, although no extended family nearly (as neither do I).

PoN, I love rings. I wear 5 different rings my H has given me over the years. I still wear all 5 every day. Recently I have taken them off at the house to put on lotion and "accidently" leave them laying around (just to let myself see how I feel about this). I have never taken off my wedding ring (yet), nor do I intend to until/unless we D.

Goals- keep in great shape. Think before responding. Be grateful and appreciate (say thank you). Don't try to control what is not within my control. Detaching. Rediscovering what makes me happy. Acceptance of what its and living in the moment. Finding joy in every day and counting my blessings every day. Thanking God & putting 100% trust in Him.

I am thinking about attending a women's all day retreat next Saturday at a nearby church. Not sure if it's what I want to do or not, but thinking it might be good for me.

Lovin' our new little kitten. So snuggly. A great therapy pet!

[adinva]

Kittens are wonderful

[Tallula]

Woman's retreats ROCK!!! GO!!

I usually go to a silent woman's week long retreat each year, but I have a work conference this year. Boo!

Great GALS and goals, lady!

[ThisDayForward]

I HIGHLY RECOMMEND YOU GOING ON THE RETREAT. I THINK YOU WOULD BE A FOOL NOT TOO. CONNECTING WITH PEOPLE THIS WAY IS VITAL. THIS IS ANOTHER WAY OF GETTING UNBIASED SUPPORT WHICH IS CRITICAL. ALL CAPS MEANS I'M SHOUTING AT YOU

[Tallula]

^^^This made me LMAO and shout "TRU DAT!"

[littleGTO]

PoN, does that shouting mean you care enough to yell at me--aw, shucks. Thanks!

I'd like to go to the retreat, but it might mean missing my boys' playoff bball games & I really don't want to miss those. I'll really have to think about this one.

The new school mtg for S11 went very well. It is a lottery & we'll have to wait and see sometime in April if he'll get in. I'm in the frame of mind that if it's meant to be it'll happen, if not then it wasn't meant to be. No expectations.

Am going to my IC tomorrow instead of GF's house for drinks. I think I made the wrong choice on that one. I know I need to GAL so that would have been a good opportunity, but I don't really want to miss a C apptmt right now either.

Promised I wouldn't talk about H. I have been sleeping better that last month, but the past few nights I've woken up in the middle of the night & just broke out in tears. Then had a hard time going back to sleep. Reminded me of all those sleepless, horrible night I hope never to have return.

Am thinking a lot of my H's family, as there has been a lot of really horrible life issues/health issues this yea. My SIL starts chemo on Tuesday (breast cancer). She is one of the strongest women I've ever met (except my mom) & I know she'll get through this like a champ, but I just feel awful that she is going through this. Has to have a complete masectomy after chemo too. Ugly disease.

So glad I am raising money for my summer bike ride to benefit cancer survivors and their families. Makes me feel good to be doing something positive for others out there dealing with the same thing.

[tori2012]

GTO, you're dealing with your sitch in a more positive way. If you don't want to miss the playoffs, then skip the retreat. There are other ways to be involved. Do what feels right to you.

The sleepless nights/nightmares are really hard. I know firsthand. But they'll lessen as time goes by. Continue connecting to other people, and to God.

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