years later

[forward]

for those who have been through the mill with this, as I have....

I am over X. And I am in a good R.

But every now and then I find myself remembering, not X, but the pain of his abandoning me.

New Guy does understand these things but I am wondering if others have felt this way at times. I feel as if I am still healing in that capacity.

[AJM]

Yes. I do sometimes remember that pain.

I don't think it's a bad thing to remember. It's a bad thing to fixate or obsess. But not to remember the pain and then get on with your day.

AJ

[forward]

I'm engaged to New Guy! It is exciting...perhaps a bit overwhelming as this will be a busy year, moving, etc..

I didn't share this w/X. I had mentioned last year that this would probably happen, but no need to say anything now, until we have wedding date. X is scheduled for another surgery and sounds sad. He again seems to not be able to escape from my presence quickly enough and he doesn't answer some of my emails. I don't know what's going on with him but find that I tend to think of his negative qualities when I think of him.

I'm finding that the idea of M again is a little intimidating. I shared this w/New Guy, and he understands. What makes it different is that his M was hard from beginning--whereas mine had an abrupt end and a lot of grieving.

I have also shared with New Guy the pain of being abandoned--the pain of feeling that it was somehow my fault. At the same time, while I do think about that, I realize that I spent a good three years alone and I did pretty well. I worked hard in those three years, making new friends and trying new things, and was proud of my independence.

I am on here probably too long, but coming here is a bit of a habit and I do follow people's stories. I kind of want to see what happens to the MLCs

I suppose I'm not really a success story in the way that most people who are here want to be, but sometimes the success you get isn't what you expect.

[kml]

sometimes the success you get isn't what you expect.

Amen!!!
Congratulations, girlfriend! You and New Guy both deserve a loving marvelous marriage

Ellie

[BeingMe]

This is the success I hope for now. Congratulations!

[forward]

I don't want to discourage newbies here. I think that DBing is important. Give it your best. You will not regret trying your hardest, regardless of the outcome.

[25yearsmlc]

Forward,

I think this is a valuable post. FWIW, I had two thoughts when I read your post.

1) re the kids and damage. Your xh, unfortunately is still doing harm to your d. He's STILL justifying leaving you. Maybe she asked him or prompted the statement and I guess, I hope so.

Otherwise he's so way out of line even now, that he is a lost cause. But I urge you to take d to a counselor now & then to see how she is coping. You never know what lurks underneath.

I assumed that with the recon my h and I had, my kids would be all on board. At the time I think they were.
But these days, they seem irritated at h a lot. He feels alienated too. And that makes it worse.

SO I think they had resentments and their own pain to deal with and it's as if I didn't realize, "they were NOT at Retrovaille" with h and me. Only he and I were there.

This seems obvious now, but until several months ago, I thought that whatever forgiving I had done, would "trickle" down or filter to them If it was not already there.

My mistake. This is not a crisis for us but it is a reminder that we assume things about our children that are not always true. So I guess I'm saying, just stay in touch with her about it.

Any chance your ex h would attend some/few counselling sessions with your d?
Might be worth a try??

2) Second, I saw two of my sisters abandoned by h's. The youger sister, without kids, never having worked, and m for 13 years, fell apart. Just "lost it". She still has no insight into why her h left, even now. Enough said.

My older sister had been m for 22 years, had 3 kids, and worked full time through the marriage, as a nurse. She put her h thru law school. Her h frequently got melancholy and irritable. He was smart and witty, but moody and brooded a lot. Rarely did he look inward for solutions; there were too many "external factors" to blame, in his eyes. So he left her, presumbly for OW...my sister was deeply wounded by his betrayal.

When he left her, even though I knew she was SO SAD, I also knew that someday, down the line, he would regret it

AND she'd be happier without h. Truly, I felt he was essentially doing her a favor, although in a really sh1tty way, if you know what I mean. (And I'm sure you do). But I could not say it at the time. I just wondered, "how long before she knows he did her a favor?" The answer was, about 4 years, which was a year into her new m...fyi...

She handled it like a trouper. She had been the giver in the m, from pretty much everyone's viewpoint including her inlaws. They loved her and stayed close to her too. they were disappointed in their son, to say the least.

So finally she meets a new man who "gets" her. And treats her really well. No not everything is perfect, but she is happier in the m, than she ever would have been in her first m. I mean that.

My point was something about the apology. A month before her new marriage, her x h called her to say "FYI, this is just to let you know that I know, it was MY fault we div'd. I f---ed up. And I wanted you to know that I get it now and I hope you finally have the happiness you deserve."

I think he meant it. I know HE married a woman HE describes as "high maintenance", so gee, maybe that's Karma...

in your xh's case, I do feel for the dying woman. But a part of me thinks your exh is into the "tragic nature of love" syndrome. Oh the drama, oh the pain...

REGARDLESS, my sister really appreciated hearing her x's words. It was a gift she deserved. Though she'll always feel bad for what the kids went thru, she's glad that she is where she is, with the man she's with now.

I wish you the best! AND please,

Keep posting!

[forward]

25,
I wish I could get those words, as they would help me, but I'm not counting on it. My X is still kind of mean to me, and, I learned, was also rather mean to New Woman.

[forward]

Well, I look at what I last wrote, and maybe it's not so true after all.

I was surprised that X actually thanked me for a favor that I did. Twice. Pretty amazing, given his disdainful and annoyed behavior over the past few years.

I also got an email that sounded lonely and was much more chatty than usual. I just respond as usual. I feel like I went through the "feeling sorry for him" thing in the past and don't want to get sucked into it again.

Life has been good to me and I have a lot of positive things happening lately.

[JBolt]

I hope I'm not being too forward (a pun..boo), but the sympathy ship for XH probably sailed a long, long time ago. For the sake of this man (New Guy) who loves you enough to ask you to spend the rest of your life with him, avoid X as usual. If he is lonely now, he has nobody else to blame but himself. You are truly moving forward and it sounds wonderful. I hope to be in the good place you are in now in the coming years.
J.