It's hard to type on these smart phones. I look at my posts and have whole words missing.
It's no fun pretending or playing games. One of the pillars of a good relationship is honesty, but if we were in this case it would torpedo our prospect of saving our marriages.
The way you're handling this says a lot about you and the love you have for your daughters. It has not and will not go unnoticed.
I've had my two all week (thankfully), as W couldn't make any overnight stays work. Today I've done breakfast, lunch, bball sign ups, took youngest to a friends, oldest has a friend over, three loads of laundry and going to a ball game later. W comes up at lunch to hang out, showers, gets ready and leaves to catch dinner and a movie with a friend. My response, "have a good time sweetheart!" Should I feel guilty for not offering to pay? Don't answer that.
Teenagers are idiots!! Haha.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
Ive been around here a long time, so this is just my opinion. Others may disagree and that's ok.
When I was in the midst of it all, and h was doing some horrific things, I certainly didnt want to tbe his friend.
Why would I want to be friends with soomeone who could do such things?
So, a couple of things helped me. I realized that I truly believe he was in crisis. This was not the man that I knew for so very many years.
Now, that didnt give him a free pass on his actions. But, if I really loved him unconditionally, then, aI loved him enough to let him go.
That was when I was able to figure out how I wanted to behave.
I did not want to be his friend. But, I could be cordial and calm and friendly (there is a difference). I used to think of him as a neighbor.
And then I went on with my life.
As I've said, I do have serious regrets about how I handled the financial aspects of my divorce. I, too, worried about rocking the boat too much.
If I had to do that over again, I would do it so much differently. Because that is two different things. Taking care of myself and my child should be the most important thing.
So, B, you do not have to be his friend. But, you do want to be strong, capable and calm. For you. And so that when or if he looks to you in the future, he sees someone who was in control, who looked out for his kids and who is someone he can rely on.
Trust your instincts. We are from Brooklyn, we have them in spades.
bkyln, i go through much the same....i don't want to rock the boat too much. at the same time, i don't want to be around him
for me, as much as i can't stand his actions........sometimes when i see him, i catch glimpses of the "he that used to be"
that puts me 2 steps back
much of the time tho, i see this cold 47 year old, who dates girls in their early 20's ( or yikes - just a year out of high school)
someone who chooses not to be with his child, when he can
someone who needs constant adulation
someone who needs weed to get through the day without anger
and someone who doesn't really love me anymore
i guess that's the one that hurts the most
so i don't really want to be his friend...i want us to get on for the sake of our son i am nervous about asking for more money, even tho his career seems to have taken off these past 2 years, meaning when he works more, i take less jobs
and yes, bklyn grrrrls are very very strong urworthy has always had many wise words
Thanks guys for all the input. I have read these over the past few days and it really is like a red bull for my attitude and gives me hours of positivity and just being happy with me & who & where I am today.
Urworthy, you really nailed something for me and thats believing he is in crisis. When I believe he is in crisis, I do well and even thrive, but when we have these interactions where he acts so logical and normal it makes my head spin.
He puts forth these attitude that was reinforced by our first MC and by our mutual friend (his boss) early on, that whats the big deal about getting a D and having 2 young kids. "hey bkylnmom why are you freakin out we will just coparent"
Its this attitude and his "acting normal" which get me crazy like I did last week.
Lucky for me the crazy is now fewer and farther between. I now know what I need to do when I am spinning and that is go to Alanon meeting and write everything going through my stubborn brain onto these boards.
I am so grateful. My girls are so sweet and loving, and they show me so much love
Thks again for all the support.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
So, let me ask you, he is acting normal when he says, "Why are you freakin out,so we get a divorce and the kids will just have to deal?" Is that the way he would have felt before all this?
And of course he has to say that. I always said if my xh had to face all that he did it would bring him to his knees. They have to justify their actions, B. Because if it's not everybody else, then it must be them and they are not ready to handle that.
They can have long moments of normalcy. All part of trying to keep it all together.
Next time you have an interaction where he appears normal, picture the cuckoo bird flying around his head.
I agree about the apparent normal being so disturbing to us. At its worst it is gas-lighting - trying to convince someone that their ideas are crazy, and they (the MLCer) is normal. I think we buy into it because these words are coming out of their mouths, and we loved and trusted them for such a long time.
My eldest son (an adult) put it succinctly 'Dad can do normal these days for about two hours and then the cracks start to show'. However a few years back he could only do normal for about 20 minutes tops, so that is progress, of a sort!
They absolutely have to normalise it to themselves. I really have reached the stage of eating the popcorn and watching the show unroll. The rollercoastr is amazing when you finally emotionally detach.
acting normal is the worst form of gaslighting. So true!
I know the things he says are coo coo and he would never think this was okay before his breakdown but he just has so much support sometimes. Not from his family - but he is getting promotions and excelling at work.
Thanks for the love
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
ugh....i get that bkyn.....my h's career seems to be taking off again.....he had a slump for a few years (left his job to try something else) while he did i took as many gigs as i could so he could "follow his dream" when that failed he returned to his first gig for years they made little and i was the main source of income not that he is gone they seem to be picking up momentum while i take less gigs because my son needs stability he is being adored and traveling and everything seems to be going great for him yay........
B and Grr, often times the MLCer is quite able to compartmentalize parts of their lives.
They are trying to feel good about themselves. Looking everywhere they can. So, sometimes they become more successful.
BUT, I would not want to be them for all the money in the world. Because at the end of the day, they are broken.
It may look like they are having the time of their life. Reality is so much different then what you are thinking in your head.
I had an opportunity to speak with my xh several times regarding all this.
While he never said he was/is in a MLC, he has acknowledged that he felt like he was in a frenzy. Trying to find the next thing that was going to make him feel better. Despairing when it didnt. Going to the next thing and the next.
And while I thought he was with ow, many times, he was alone. Hating to be because it was tortune to be alone with himself, but, hurting too much to be with anyone.
I believe he is still deep in the tunnel. He knows something is wrong, still cant figure out how to get help. Not my problem.
Just wanted to tell you, life is not all rainbows for them.
It's best not to let your mind go to places of which you cannot know for sure.
And who cares what is happening or not happening for him? Not you, right? Because you are going to make your life great.
We only get this one, it is best to enjoy it the best way we can.
Let him blow in the wind right now and leave him to his path. And you create a new one for you.
