So in short my wife has been having a PA for a year and a half now. I spent the last few months coming out of the fog thanks to DB. I had thought the PA was over but found out this week while having a very calm, open talk with her that it's going stronger than ever. Basically she said she doesn't know what she's doing anymore, and if she could afford it she'd move out. She won't get out, wont even leave the bedroom after i asked, so i think its time for more serious action on my part. Right now my plan is to contact OM and his family to inform them to stay away from my children (kids go to school together), get legal separation papers in order, and tell her I'm done being her cuckhold. This all sounds good on paper but I'm terrified. Scared of ruining my chances of making things work, scared of what it'll do to my kids, my finances, everything. We have four kids 12 and under and I just don't know what to tell them either. Any tips on what I've listed would be appreciated, or if there's any pitfalls I need to look out for.
I would begin by getting your other finances and legal sitch battoned down before I did anything rash. You've waited this long, what's a couple more weeks going to hurt? Seek out all the advise you can get, pro and con, about the various approaches and ask others what worked for them in their sitch.
Does your wife work outside the home? Who pays for what around there? I certainly wouldn't be paying for anything that actively (or even passively) enables her affair.
This is a great forum to get support, as is any of the "DivorceBusting" or "DB or Not DB" social media forums. Exposure is NOT advocated by MWD (altho others strongly advise it), so you'd better be prepared emotionally, financially and legally for the fallout if you go that route.
Hang tight, you can do this. My wife and I came back from her affair stronger than ever, and have since celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary, the birth of our grandchild, and the marriage of our oldest daughter. It CAN be done!!!
Thanks so much, in my heart reconcilliation is what I want more than anything. I know now that I can't let her live a double life anymore though. She's told me about the affair and said it was none of my concern and if it wasn't this guy it would be another because she can't see herself with me anymore. Of course she says this but is still living with me, sleeping in the same bed, wants to spend time with me etc. it's been very confusing/frustrating year.
I wish I had come across your situation sooner. I cheated on my husband of ten years, and the only thing that made me stop was LRT.
That brought reality into the picture full force and woke me up.
I am not suggesting you should expect the same in your situation, but waiting a year and a half to act on this just gives those two cheaters time to BOND and PREPARE.
If you use LRT sooner, particularly in the first six months or so, you have a much better chance in my opinion.
Do it anyways though, even after ten years... use LRT.. reclaim your dignity and respect for yourself.
Thanks for the reply, I definitely agree that if I'd acted sooner things might be different. Unfortunately I wasn't able to do it then and things are much worse now. I'm hopeful that whatever happens, I'll come out better on the other side of this.
I'd rather be alone and healthy, than ill with my spouse.
Think about that.
It's terrible that she's only giving you those two choices, but at the same time she's making the choice very easy.
And sometimes MJ... SOMETIMES, you chosing to be alone and healthy motivates your spouse to join you.
But you can't do it looking over your shoulder. Do it for your own respect and dignity. You reclaim that, and she may join you, or she may not.
Dignity is the cake MJ, she's just icing. If you reclaim your dignity and she doesn't show up, then so be it... It's her loss.
Do you know what the success rate is for what she's doing? Like 2% of affairs succeed long term. It may take four years, but one of those two will cheat on the other eventually. There is no honor among thieves.
YOU need to get away from that. If she's smart, she'll join you.
This is getting harder with each day. I met with a new lawyer and everything is in place. I've got the money for the retainer, all I have to do is pull the trigger. Yet I find myself being terrified of actually going through with it. I hate how I'm acting, I'm moping and my moods are swinging. What's terrible is that I know I'm acting the exact opposite of how I should be, not very attractive.
I'm a newbie but after reading your post I thought I’d share some of my experience as the unfaithful partner in a relationship for whatever it might be worth in your situation.
First I’d seek out the counseling services of DB before you do anything major. It’s invaluable.
I’d be cautious about confronting the other man. Based on my experience it could have brought me and the other person closer together rather than apart.
The real thing I wanted to share with you is the idea that the experience of having an affair is very much like having an addition. It’s not necessarily the other person, but the experience itself that is very addictive.
I would you encourage you to interact with your wife as if she was an addict. I’m not necessarily talking about compassion. What I think I mean is that you can’t control the addict’s choices, you can only control your own. So you are entitled to control your own wellbeing and those of your kids . Also you are entitled not to give support to the person in pursuit of their addiction i.e. give money, give support, housing, etc.
Most addicts won’t make the choice to quit until they come face to cost of their addiction; financial cost, lost relationships, dislocation, etc.. Therefore doing things that make her face the results of her choices may be the ONLY thing that works: No longer providing financial support, no longer providing emotional support that the OTHER cannot provide, separate living arrangements for you and the kids.
All with the message of “I love you; if you want to make things better I am here to work with you; but I am not willing to do anything that supports the choices you are making in this regard”
This is getting harder with each day. I met with a new lawyer and everything is in place. I've got the money for the retainer, all I have to do is pull the trigger. Yet I find myself being terrified of actually going through with it. I hate how I'm acting, I'm moping and my moods are swinging. What's terrible is that I know I'm acting the exact opposite of how I should be, not very attractive.
MJ. You do this for YOU, not to attract HER.
YOU deserve someone honest and loyal who respects you, who treats you with some dignity.
SHE is not that right now.
You do this to protect yourself, and to reclaim your dignity that those two have taken from you. You do this in order to heal and protect yourself from further harm.
STOP worrying about how attractive that is.
What your spouse finds attractive is a cowardly, sleazy, interloper who trashes marriages. THAT is what your wife finds attractive.
STOP worrying about what your lying, cheating, wife thinks about this. She's made her choices, and now you make yours.
Live with her and allow he and her to erode your confidence and dignity, or put a stop to this business.
When you walk OUT of the triangle MJ, you put a stop to that affair. Now it's just an ugly, stagnant, thing they do without respectable foundation.
You end that affair when you refuse to be part of a triangle anymore.
You will be healthier, happier, and more confident getting FAR away from her right now.
Oh yeah, valentines day was a disaster. I'd been riding on the edge of moving forward for a while but I wanted the decision to come from a place where I was making the decision for me not just an emotional reaction to her shenanigans if that makes any sense. Thank you all for the clarity. In some of our calmer talks she's described the affair like a drug so your analogy makes sense.
