SS, what do you think would be an equitable way to handle things? This is really a touchy and complicated subject. The widow across the street has issues now with her steps. She's only 60, but the steps are chomping at the bit to get some things that belonged to their dad. The problem is that she's still using those things. She promises they can have them when she's done with them (eg. antique ice box.) And it's not like the things are going to wear out or depreciate in value. So they want them now, but she's not ready to give them up. If it was their mother instead of their stepmother, they would never approach her for these things, but because she's their step, they feel entitled.
Sadly, I can see both sides.
And even more sadly, I'm sure I'll be in the same boat as her some day, as my H is 9 years older and not particularly health conscious. No guarantee, of course. At the same time, until the last few years, I made the majority of the income and he had the majority of the expenses, with joint custody of 4 kids and child support, and had nothing coming into the M whereas I had a number of assets. They have another parent/household, my son does not. I could definitely see giving my son more, and I can easily see it getting ugly some day.
i don't know, CV. while i'm with him, i monitor all our accounts. he's pretty frugal, except for his D23. the trust has provisions for all financial "gifts" to our adult children to be matched for the other side. however, he scoffed at the notion that my son should be given a matching financial gift if we continued to subsidize his D23 with $500 a month. sigh...
his D23 told me a year ago that "what's his is mine", referring to her dad and everything he and i (and i alone prior to our M) have worked for. he was sitting there when she said it and failed to correct her or address it.
i think there's ways around the trust. after i'm gone, my son will not have me to look out for his interests. cash can be given to H's kids without my S knowing. the only thing he would not be able to hide would be the sale of our real estate holdings.
so, i think i'm looking at some sort of financial separation as i get older. my S would not want to get involved but i refuse to let what i've worked for all my life go to someone else's kids, especially, since they and i don't have a relationship anymore after the last five years of hell living with his adult S and D (mainly the D).
i don't think this is unique among step families. i read step forums all the time and it's all to common. there aren't the "ties that bind" that bio families have.
on a positive front, H and i are really getting along great. our pet names for each other are resurfacing, we're laughing and joking around a lot, and most of the awkwardness and hesitancy is disappearing.
i don't think we'll get back to the way it was before the living situation with his kids but i think it will be good again. i needed this to happen to me. i think my expressing my needs and boundaries is a very good thing. i have no built up resentments now. i'm not afraid to say no. H is very thoughtful of my needs now, almost to the point of nurturing. i find i miss him when he's not around.
he's not perfect but neither am i. i'm just trying to work with what we have and take care of myself, too.
thank you for looking in. i'm sorry your sitch is still quagmired.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
No, I don't think it's unusual either. I wish I had understood it more before I got into it; I think I would have passed. It does cause me to take D very seriously, though.
I'm really thrilled that you are getting back to a good place! Do you think you could say what is different now? It would give me and others some insight into what it looks like "after the storm." What has changed and by whom?
I think the major difference is his adult children are not a part of my life or our marriage anymore. We've gone back to being a couple.
We were always compatible. He's very neat and precise and I am, too. We differ on other things (I'm an introvert, he's an extrovert, I read, he watches tv) but they're not the things that drive one crazy.
We always enjoyed each other's humor and have similar goals. What killed our relationship was having his son and daughter live with us and my reaction to the frustration and anger it caused me and his reaction to me (and failure to react to his D's sense of entitlement).
Without them in the picture, it's so much easier to be together. He continues to have his own relationships with them but now respects my detachment from them...at least, for now.
I think a big part of his desire to come home was the attitude I finally developed while he was gone. I could live without him and be happy. I also told him that I would not be as I was before; self sacrificing, generous to ungrateful people, and an afterthought in the planning of the rest of our lives together should we R.
Maybe this was good for him, too?
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
I don't really understand your answer. So what if a lawyer put the trust together? There is nothing wrong with that, it was probably a good idea to use a lawyer. It may also be helpful to use a lawyer to change the terms of your financial agreements. What is the problem?
There will be no one to make sure he follows the trust agreement when it comes to the terms for financial "gifts" after I'm gone. He took 20k out of our trust account without my knowledge. I found out when I looked nine days later. My son would not have access to those accounts to monitor then nor would he feel comfortable doing so.
A living trust is not a complete guarantee. He's a trustee. I won't be doing it over. I'll just plan on a financial separation down the road in, say, 15 years or so.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
i will...in about 15 years. our lives together are going along great. that fear is way down the road. i'm not going to put our marriage through going to an attorney, again, and letting my H know i don't trust him AFTER I DIE.
that can wait. i'm enjoying myself now and benefiting, financially and otherwise, from our marriage. he's very happy, too. i won't rock the boat. i'm happy with how things are for now.
thanks for dropping in but i don't have a problem with things as they are today. there's nothing to fix, at the moment.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
SS, don't picture something bad happening in the future. Enjoy the present as you are doing now, and do whatever you need to do to secure the finances, but don't do this out of fear.
