Okay, I understand the exercise. I'm still not sure of the end-goal.
I'm going to analogize this because it makes it easier for me to be objective and not emotional.
Let's say instead of this being a M, this is a business. So now I list everything I bring to the business to make it successful, and everything I bring that causes harm to the business. I can focus on improving my negative traits, obviously. I can also decide/determine as an individual if I even have the capacity to make the business successful on my own. If I feel I don't, because I'm simply lacking in certain talents or energies that I don't believe I'll ever overcome, then I can choose to not have the business.
Alternatively, I can bring a "partner" into the business. That partner has a list of traits as well, both positive and negative. The only reason someone would likely bring a partner into a business is because the joining partner brought something beneficial to the table, and that those benefits outweighed the deficits. If that is not the case, then inventorying *my* traits is irrelevant. I already knew I didn't possess the skills/talents/energies necessary all by myself to make it successful. That's why I looked for a partner in the first place. That's why I "interviewed" him extensively before partnering with him.
Now, the business is failing. I don't see what good it does to make a list of my positive and negative traits at this point. "Together" we don't have what it takes to make the business successful. And I know I don't have it in me to make it work by myself even if I was absolutely perfect. The fact that H does not bring more positive than negative to the table only makes matters worse.
The fact is that I *need* some things from my M partner that I can't adequately provide for myself. Just like my H would like to have sex -- from a W, rather than from his five-fingered friend. I have needs as well that simply can't be met by improving on my list of short-comings.
Nor do I see where I'm being a "martyr" because I recognize that the business is failing, that I can see that I would be better suited in a different line of business, or perhaps under the employ of someone else. If I'm martyring on anything, it's only in regard to S12, and I don't see that as being a martyr but just doing what I feel is best for him as his parent.
I am certain that you can offer yourself arguments to rationalize not working on yourself.
If you want to find a happier more fulfilling life, though, the work lies within you.
If you can't stand not to focus on/fix/criticize/belittle and otherwise point to H as the source of your unhappiness for a month, how about two weeks? Or one week?
You've got to break the pattern. It is not helpful. You are stuck (at best).
STOP focusing on H's failings. COMPLETELY. Not forever, just for a decent amount of time.
And, I'm quite certain you don't see yourself as a martyr, or as controlling, or as stuck, or as externalizing things, or as.... You are quite adept at avoiding criticism on such matters. So what. There are plenty of very smart people here.
Choose to work on yourself, or not. But if you want to move forward to a happier place, that is the path upon which to embark. If you choose not to do so, fine, but quit complaining about taking the path to nowhere and finding that is precisely where it takes you.
And, with that I'll go back to radio silence on this thread. I'm OK with a test drive now and then on a stuck thread, but I won't hang out to spin my wheels if I find mud.
I'm sorry if you feel like you're spinning your wheels. I was simply seeking understanding. I like to know the "why" for doing something.
I didn't say I'm opposed to improving myself. I've said in the past that I think that's sort of the purpose of life, that we should all be growing personally our whole life or there's not much point in living.
I can make a "happier me" as you put it just by GAL'g. What I don't understand is how to make a happier M when my changing "me" does not get me what I need from my M.
CV, saw this on another forum I belong to. "I stayed with my ex for many years, knowing I wanted a divorce. I waited until our daughter was about to graduate HS. Later when I got some counseling because my daughter was going out with a real loser, the counselor asked me what was I teaching our daughter by staying with an alcoholic and in an unhappy marriage? I was teaching her that it is okay to stay in an unhealthy relationship. I came out of that session crying. I thought I was doing the right thing not divorcing when she was younger and staying until she was older, but guess not. Now my daughter is 32 and she says she knew when she was 12 that we were going to get divorced, she just wondered what I was waiting for."
It's never easy this life livin'.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
I've heard that sort of thing before. If H were an alcoholic or abusive, I would definitely see the benefit of leaving now. But S12 said something yesterday that solidified my already firm decision to stay for now.
It's possible that people's suggestions are just coming from different motives, but I'm trying to ferret it out. It seems that some people think I can make a happy M by changing me. I simply don't see that. If that is the message, then I would like to know how H could change himself to be happy in a M without sex. Because that is the equivalent of what I feel like I'm dealing with.
Well, you may just have to come to an acceptance that you're stuck (for the sake of your S), realize that there's no fixing this, and that you'll have to figure out how to not be miserable?
You're a smart woman. You probably could direct your energy more in that direction than trying to make your H what you need or figure out why he doesn't get it. You might find some semblance of a happy life.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
No, the idea is to take full responsibility for your contributions to the R, focus on those. If you take responsibility and become the partner you wish to be, then you will become happier. You may improve your M or not, who knows?
But, again, more picking and analyzing. No movement.
No, OT, this is simply where we disagree. I WAS the partner I wished to be. I became sad/unhappy in the M because I was not getting from it what I needed. Being the partner I wish to be without any reciprocation does NOT make me a happier person, it makes me feel taken advantage of.
