My W has lately been saying they (children) need to learn life isn't perfect. How could I miss the fact that this will be so nice for them to learn? I just want to ask her how learning this lesson in her childhood is working out. It blows my mind!
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
bklyn, my h acts if it is normal for our s to be pulled between 2 homes....he keeps saying "he is fine" when the truth is he is not he is in counseling, very distracted, and has new "twitches" every few months
my h insists that he, himself was fine being a product of a broken home (many as his parents were married multiple times) at the same time he has a pot addiction, and can't seem to get too close to many people
it's a nightmare for these children that would be reason enough to work through whatever for me
i, like you, have a crazy schedule, so sometimes, GAL, is very difficult.......but i do try to take time once in awhile...make sure you do as well
thanks Mtnman and grr sometimes its hard to know if I am the one that is crazy or not. I feel like I get so many mixed messages out there in the world like just cooperate and do co parenting and the kids will be fine. This is not okay to do to the kids.
This morning I had a meeting with STBX. My father/lawyer thinks I am a fool. That I am meeting with my abuser and settling for less.
H had two points of contention in the parenting agreement. 1. Is that if either of our kids needs to go to private school that it is a joint decision as its currently worded I can decide if the kids need to go to private school if a expert tells me the kids need help for some reason. (This is essentially a non-issue because both my kids appear fine and I am not from a private school background nor is my STBX) I agreed that it can be a joint decision. My father told me that by agreeing to this I was accepting less then I was entitled to. That the point of the contract is to have an agreement not to agree to let STBX decide at some point in the future. If a professional recommends private school it should not be then be up to my ex to decide.
I see my Dads point but I also dont understand why we are debating a non issue.
My father thinks I am letting my abuser abuse me further.
It came up in that I said needed to protect myself as much as the law allows because I dont trust him. He looked surprised as to why I dont trust him because he is such a good guy (He seriously believes that he is a great guy and most people treat him as such - see No Mr. Nice Guy Syndrome) I said I dont trust him because - "I love you, I love you, I love you, I am leaving you". that is what he did.
He said that I treated him like crap for years saying I didnt want him to hug me all the time and not say I love you all the time. But then he said lets not get into it.
My father says this is BS. You dont leave someone and your 2 young kids because they were annoyed by your over affection. You get professional help. My father sees this again as STBX blaming me the victim.
As I sit here writing this I am remembering that it was annoying his constant need for me to express my love for him and validate his feelings. I see now that our communciation skills were so dysfunctional that neither of us knew how to have our own love tanks filled. But that is/was a very fixable problem but we didnt know where to go for help or that we needed help.
STBX discussed my fathers comments in a letter to his lawyer that STBX not allow his girlfriend to give my kids jewelry until the d if final, since she gave them necklaces for Christmas. STBX defended his girlfriend saying that she didnt give the girls jewelry to rub it in my face it was only for nice purposes but he understood how it could be upsetting. I just listened.
Then he talked about getting the kids to eat better food. I told him my tips. (I hate this honky doory co-parenting BS) My father says he is an a$$hole, who cares if they eat their carrots - look at what he is doing to their emotional wellbeing.
I did pretty good throughout the meeting didnt lose my composure.
I feel a mess right now, like my Dad is saying one thing, the boards another and alanon yet another.
I love(d) my H with all my heart and soul and I love my children. I know I misbehaved but have I not repented? Have I not gotten into my own recovery. How could he not know my love for him. How could he choose to be with this OW rather then fight for his children to have a whole family.
I am going to take care of myself today. Noon Alanon meeting. Called shrink becuase I ran out of meds. Wrote out this post, which was a lot of typing for me.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Sorry BK I agree with your dad. Of course he is being protective of you since your are his child, but I agree in that it is BS that he wants a divorce because you didn't hug him enough. You were blindsided. So was I. He never gave you the opportunity to change or to even fix it. Maybe you weren't perfect but he wasn't either.
I'm not buying it. Sorry if it doesn't sound DB, but your H made choices and now he needs to be held accountable.
I am on your side!!!!
Wah
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
B, What your h has said is nothing but a bunch of bs and gaslighting. Your father wants only the best for his daughter and as a lawyer, he is looking out for your best interests.
May I make a suggestion to you? Take some time for yourself and really think about your situation and what you want to do. We all have opinions as to what you should or shouldn't do, but only you can weed through our opinions and truly decide what is right for you.
You are a good person and do not deserve the emotional and mental abuse that he continues to throw at you. He needs to face the consequences of his actions and so what if a divorce isn't what he wanted...he created this mess, not you.
Do what is right for YOU and your children.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Have been reading along, feeling many emotions for you. I can only imagine how you feel.
In no way did you cause this. So you weren't perfect, none of us are, including your H. That's part of life, part of being married, and part of being human.
I'm sure in looking back, there are things you could have done to delay - not avoid- the crisis. In fact, there are probably things that you did that did postpone in. But nothing we can do or say is going to fix them. Nothing.
Your H is playing on your emotions and trying to blame you. It is NOT your fault.
You have consistently been there for your family, doing the hard work to harbor the storm. All your H has done is run.
I will be thinking of you today, hoping you find some peace soon. You deserve so much happiness. You really do.
Please take care of yourself and know that so many people care about you and your girls. Thinking of you
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
I ditto everyone else's posts about your situation. Instead of fighting for his family, he ran, he stepped outwards to another woman. He wants what he wants, the h*ll with his family. He is very selfish. When WAS's leave the marriage, then it's all on them, 100%, as far as I'm concerned. Marriages aren't perfect, it's hard work, it's a lot of communicating (talking and listening) and give and take. The LBS is not a mindreader, to just know through some ESP that someone is unhappy, especially if they're not acting that way. For instance, my H is very passive-aggressive ... he says nothing, and then just does what he wants behind my back.
I agree, there was nothing you, on your own, could've done to keep your family whole. It takes two committed adults to make a marriage work. And he is making a lot of excuses as to why it didn't. You can assume whatever is coming out of his mouth is either untrue, or a manipulation of the truth to make him look like the victim. And it's so easy to re-write history. I'm sure OW only knows that skewed history.
Sometimes, we LBSers (I include myself) have to just realize that the men we thought our H's were, was just a figment of our imaginations. They play at being adults, good guys, caring fathers, but when the chips hit the fan (and OW comes into the picture), they have all kinds of excuses dug up from some small thing you may or may not have done, in some distant past, why they are leaving you and by extension their children. They forget those vows very quickly. OW will find that she will also go through this, unless your H doesn't get help. I think, IMHO, your dad is right ... don't give on anything, because to your H, that is a crack, a weakness he can exploit. And, he will pound on that weakness until you give on another thing, then another, and so on. He must face the consequences of the choice he's made. Let your lawyer/dad do his job, and you stay out of it. Don't have anymore meetings. Your H isn't interested in smoothing things out unless it's to his benefit.
Be the best mom you can be. Be the woman (and I suspect you already are) that he will kick himself for leaving. I know it's hard when you love someone, but see this as tough love for him. He won't learn anything unless you are tough. BTW, I'm only coming to these conclusions after 7 years of being Miss Nice to my H. I've wasted a lot of time, while he was playing me like I was a puppet in his hands, spinning me around until I didn't know which way was up or down. I've cut the string now. I wish I had a dad like you have. Mine passed away a long time ago. Use that resource to the fullest ... I'm sure your dad would love to know that he's protecting his daughter, and she's allowing him the honor of doing that.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Something you said really made me think - it was about our H's being a figment of our imagination.
I have thought about this a lot along the way. Was he real? Were we real?
My answer is a resounding yes.
I think a mistake I made was putting my H up on a pedestal. Maybe I expected too much from him. Maybe we expected too much from each other.
He may not have been perfect, but he was pretty darn good.
B- mom, right now your H is not the man you remember. Only you know deep in your heart what was real between you two. And even if he was that good guy at one time, that doesn't mean you have to take all the hurtful sh!t he is dishing out now.
He may be in his self-induced fantasy world right now, but to borrow a thought from Amy C - reality always eventually comes knocking.
Stay strong. Let us know how you are doing
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
