Need to let go

[ThisDayForward]

Little you have some great advice and posters on this thread. (not referencing me either, I am no expert but have been through some of this)

Little read inside out ^^ read it again. Pretty good

I am saying catering. Maybe poor choice of words by my part. You are walking on eggshells and living a life out of fear. You fear the words you choose will push him away (he's gone for now)
You don't tell him where you are going (gal) it makes him curious or upset and you worry about it. Who cares. He is cheating on you plain and simple. How long have you consistantly stuck to a plan. Not 1 week. I mean 4-6 weeks. You don't have to be COLD but he doesn't have to know your GAL plans does he? Do you ask him where he is going with OW?

What inside out does above is what EE is all about. Complimenting on hair and making own Latte.

I was stuck like you for a long time. Guess what GAL is forever and when times are good. The first thing I stop doing when things get good is GAL and have to often remind myself to do it. So I completely understand how tough it is but so vital for you to do to get through this. DO IT, and don't worry about what he thinks

Mr. B use to always say to me "you allow yourself to walk on eggshells" and he was so right. I was always worried about my actions and what they did to my W. You need to get over that.

I know what you're going through. If I say this then he'll think what. Did I piss him off.

You really should sit down and setup a parenting schedule to allow yourself to have some time to GAL and heal. Great job allowing kids to go over there but you need to have a parenting schedule. GIVE UP CONTROL (for now)

I know not seeing kids [censored] but you didn't choose this but doesn't mean you can control them staying there etc.. come up with a set parenting schedule that gives you time to yourself too.

This was always a struggle with my W. Bottom line the kids are 50% both of yours. So he should see them half the time and help 50% of the time if he is willing.

Saying to yourself well I didn't want this is acting like a victim. I've read you say that somewhere. Those kids need to be with Dad just as much as you right now. Please don't say it is bouncing them around and disrupting their schedule. That is what my W use to say and it is the furthest thing from the truth.

I SUGGEST you BOTH read "Dad's house, mom's house" on separation and D. I read it and I lived under same roof. You read it first.

http://www.amazon.com/Moms-House-Dads-Ma...ouse+moms+house

The only thing that will ever pull your H back is you pulling away more. And when he shows signs of pulling closer you pull away even more. You don't need to be COLD in these actions. Do it with a smile on your face.

You can answer him on your GAL by saying "I'm going out with some friends" Do you really owe him these answers? Or not telling him at all that you're Gal'n. Going out when he has the kids

I'm trying to help you. I care about your SITCH. Take care of yourself and try not to worry about what H thinks. You don't have to agree with everything I post. Only you know your sitch at 100%.

I didn't take the advice of every post on here to recover my M. But I did use a lot of it.

I also found myself venting on here a lot and it was misconstrued on how I was acting in front of W. I had a quiet tongue in front of my W for a very long time.

PON

[Tallula]

I love what inside out and power of now wrote.

It is hard! To really detach and not overthink things you say. Labug is right, we got here by NOT thinking about what we were saying. But, the difference now is to not care how they react to what we do say. Like here is a great example. I've been really working on listening to my H. I tend to interupt, so now I really listen and don't say anything until I know he is done. Yesterday he told me that now sometimes when we talk, it seems like I'm not listening. I said, "well, I'm really listening and so I'm not interupting you and making sure you are done. If you feel this way in a conversation, can you let me know?" He got mad and said "NO! I'm not going to let you know." I simply said ok. Then he made a coment about how I seem distant because I don't text as much. But then I talk too much. But not enough...I'm being distant. This was in a 5 minute conversation. If I let this fester in my brain, I will be unable to move. I did let it fester a bit. The bottom line? Right now my H is a mess. Everything I do one minute has him wanting to move back in, 2 days later...he never misses me and we fight all the time. An hour later he texted me that I'm an amazing wife and mother. Yeah, if I take all this to heart and let fear take over, I'll be insane.

Work on you. Pull back. You are human. We will make mistakes. But, if you are truly working on you, then you are being you. You are enough. You are great!! If your H doesn't like that YOU, it's his los. But right now, this isn't YOU! You aren't allowing yourself to be you. Like MWD says, this isn't the real you. My sobbing mess of a self yesterday IS NOT THE REAL ME!! So, if I can only act happy around my H for 10 minutes, by God I will only be around him 10 minutes. I need to be honest with myself in the moment. You can do this!

[tori2012]

GTO, you've been given great advice. I loved Ruby's post. You're getting there. All you have to do is be more aware of your progress.

1. You know the 180's you need to put in practice--great job!
2. You are starting to GAL.
3. You are aware of your feelings.
4. You sound more at peace.

Keep the great work going, and continue posting. Even if I can't post as often as I used to, I always think of you!

[bustingout]

GTO how are you today? Xxx

Ruby's post was very insightful. We can all learn something from it. About the importance of acting as if and GALing.

GTO what we are going through is possibly the hardest period of our lives - and we can CHOOSE how to respond and not be victims of our own blessed lives. And they are blessed. With children, family, friends and ourselves. I recently heard this:

Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose

I have been thinking about this and i think it's exactly what we need to do.



Am with you GTO ... Come let's sit on the blanket x

[littleGTO]

Wow! I feel so loved on here! Thanks, ruby, labug, Tallula, PoN, Tori & bustin'!

ruby- Your advice really resonates for me. I do wonder if/when I could possibly be friends w H. But, based on your conditions I'M not ready just yet. His words can still pierce me.

For instance tonight he came over late (as he brought his dad home from the hospital) and he said he received a text he thought wasn't meant for him originally but then realized it was from one of my brothers. He asked if I wanted to read it which I did.

I can't repeat what it said here as my brother was basically calling him out for abandoning his family and refusing to "let me move on." I asked him if that was true- Had he moved on? He said, "I guess so, emotionally."

I have to stop asking questions that I don't want the answer to. (Not that I have done that much.)

I didn't respond, as I was afraid of what I might say, so I just said nothing. Conversation shifted, but after he left I feel to pieces about what he said.

PoN, thanks for clarifying what you meant. I understand what I NEED to do. And, I understand WHY I need to do what you've said.

Am going to my first "meet-up" w complete strangers to play indoor tennis Sat night. I told H I was going out & said that if he wanted to have the boys to sleepover he was welcome to.

He proceeded to aske what my plans were. Since last time he asked about my "secret plans" he got so upset I thought I'd try a different strategy to gauge his reaction (okay, I know I'm not suppose to care what his reaction is at all).

So, I told him what I was doing. He was a bit shocked, I think. He said, "You have some balls for going out to meet a bunch of people you don't even know. You'd better be ready to get attention you might not be looking for."

He called later to apologize to me (wow, a first) about a comment he had made about me not overseeing something one of the boys was supposed to do this morning & that I had said calmly "I'm doing the best that I can & I don't think you have any right to criticize."

He also said something again about the outing on Saturday but it was more on the lines of "I'm glad you are reaching out to connect w old friends and meet some new people." It sounded sincere....which for me hurt b/c it was like hearing "I don't give a $hit if you go out & meet some new guys. It will make me feel better."

Ahhhhhhhhhh!!! I know, detach, detach, detach!

Coming to the blanket, bustin!

[JuneReN]

He proceeded to aske what my plans were. Since last time he asked about my "secret plans" he got so upset I thought I'd try a different strategy to gauge his reaction (okay, I know I'm not suppose to care what his reaction is at all).

So, I told him what I was doing. He was a bit shocked, I think. He said, "You have some balls for going out to meet a bunch of people you don't even know. You'd better be ready to get attention you might not be looking for."



He also said something again about the outing on Saturday but it was more on the lines of "I'm glad you are reaching out to connect w old friends and meet some new people." It sounded sincere....which for me hurt b/c it was like hearing "I don't give a $hit if you go out & meet some new guys. It will make me feel better."


Coming to the blanket, bustin!

BINGO- is what H says all the time. Did you meet anyone, etc etc.

Basically they are looking to alleviate the guilt they feel and then can be justified in their decisions (because look at you moving on, I knew you didn't want me).
Also H tends to fish about anyone who shows interest-much like yours tends to get mad at secret plans.

When he asks about tennis say you had a great time (big smile) chances are he will ask if you met new people (as a segue into "any men"). My response(to questions about new GALs) is always "Yes and the people are great, I learned so much" or "I felt a little out of practice..lol" or anything like that. But is always "Had fabulous time..."

The line about Saturday, I like to use "Me too"

[labug]

Have you read any of PON's old threads? It might be helpful for you to see what he's talking about.

Ruby gives you some good suggestions on how to handle it.

[ThisDayForward]

I am hoping you did not put your brother up to that text. I know I sure did silly things like that. That is controlling and manipulative and not working on yourself. I would ask your family to stay out of your private personal matters. If you want to continue to push him further away continue to allow that stuff to happen. Trust me on that.

As far as your secret plans only you know your sitch and what is working.

As far as the apology you probably should have just ack'd it and left it at that. Thanks, I am doing the best I can. The last part you threw it in his face a little.

You are projecting and overanalyzing this below.
Sounds like this is a 180 for you below and he is ack'ing it. Good. 95% of your anxiety thoughts are wrong. You here that. 95% of your anxiety ridden thoughts are wrong. I struggle with that still. But in the end during my entire sitch I was always wrong. I remember one incident she wrote an address on the fridge whiteboard. I thought it was apartment for her to move out with kids. I google'd the piss out of it. call my real estate agent. Went crazy. It ended up being a craigslist address to pick up a doll for my daughter.

"He also said something again about the outing on Saturday but it was more on the lines of "I'm glad you are reaching out to connect w old friends and meet some new people." It sounded sincere....which for me hurt b/c it was like hearing "I don't give a $hit if you go out & meet some new guys. It will make me feel better."

[tori2012]

GTO, I think I found a way we can meet sometime. I belong to the same meetup group that plays tennis on Sat. Maybe I'll show up to tennis one of these days. Let me know if the group is fun.

Be careful with the mind reading...I think you do too much of it.

((((((((GTO)))))))))

[littleGTO]

Thanks again, ruby, labug, PoN and Tori! You guys are the best!

Please don't give up on me b/c I am a bit s-l-o-w at some of this. It's not b/c I don't understand it. It's b/c I'm really trying hard to undo years of bad habits/ practiced strategies.

I am very much an emotional person. I am working on processing my emotions before reacting to them. I am doing better.

Yeah, Tori!!!! I do hope we can meet in person! I love tennis, but haven't played in a long time, so I hope I don't let my partners down on Saturday.

PoN, I DID NOT put my brother up to this at all! In fact I was quite shocked that he sent this. It has been since December that I talked to him but I did talk to my mom recently about H wanting to divide up finances b/c I knew she would be a good resource to make sure I protect myself and my boys.

My B got pi$$ed that H wanted to do this as he sees this as a big step to the end (and I wonder the same), and he thinks H is stringing me along (why doesn't he end it, he thinks).

I will talk to him about not interferring any more. I realized what a set-back this could be.

You all are right about me doing too much mind-reading. I realize this is not helpful or productive to focusing on myself and detaching.

ruby, I will take your advice about how to respond about my Sat night when H asks! Thanks!

On another note---The baby kittens are ready for adoption!! The boys and I may go to visit them tomorrow and pick one out, then go back on Saturday to take her home (as I don't want to get a kitten on a weeknight only to abandon her for the entire next two days!) Any name suggestions?? Looking for a girl's!

Oh, and taking the day off of work to visit my FIL and my SIL (as my FIL had brain surgery on Friday last week but is now home recovering). My SIL is waiting for results from various tests to see what kind of chemo she will receive in a couple of weeks.
I feel great to be able to spend a little time w them alone tomorrow. I have gotten a lot closer to both of them since my MIL was sick/passed away last summer.

I know that they will always be very important people in my life, no matter what happens to my M.