Tori, It is good to review my 180s--not taking things for granted, specifically things he did around the house. He needed WoA & I was not good at that. I do that naturally now. I thank him for everything-genuinely.
I also compliment him whenever possible- I like your new sweater. You smell good. You are doing a great job with the boys. etc, etc, etc.
I also have the mantra "Don't sweat the small stuff." I realized I like to be in control and that even the little stuff had to be a certain way. I have done a BIG 180 with that. I really let a lot of things go or let H or boys decide.
And decisions regarding the boys were mostly mind. If H offered his opinions and I didn't agree, I most always trumped his. Now, I really listen and try to reach a mutual decision or if I don't have really strong feelings about something I let H decide.
I also think I am becoming a much better listener and often hold my tongue and really try to think if what I have to say will help our sitch at all. If not, I try not to say it. I'm definitely not perfect here, but I'm really working on it.
I was emotionally not there for H last Jan/Feb due to some health problems (minor) and the "winter blues" I have gone through each year. He started talking daily to a co-worker who was struggling in her own M. He felt she really listened to him, gave him WoA that he wasn't getting from me and she needed him to rescue her from her verbally abusive H. He didn't feel appreciated or needed at home. (So far from the truth, but that is how he felt.)
His mom was also told in February that she would be battling ovarian cancer the rest of her life. Well, that was just 1 year after she had been diagnosed & we realized that meant she wasn't going to recover & that she had a small inite amount of time left.
PoN, I have read DB and DR. I have highlighted parts and wrote my own notes everywhere. I know I need to revisit them both from time to time to remind myself what I need to be doing. Why do you question this?
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
I say this because your H is basically cheating on you with EA but I feel you are still trying to catering to him. I would think you should be doing LRT and doing a lot more Gal and not worrying a bit what he thinks
GTO, I know this is so difficult. I can read the pain in every post. (( ))
You're constantly looking for signs that things are changing and that's to be expected early on. We want to turn the Titanic around.
But we can't.
I think it helps to stop fighting, and I know that sounds strange because after all, aren't we supposed to be "fighting" for our marriage. I don't think so.
What we're doing is changing parts of ourselves that we don't like, that we know are hurtful to others, that cause problems in all our Rs. That shouldn't involve fighting so much as an acceptance of who we are and who we want to be. You can only discover that in the quiet, still moments when we look deep within.
I think many of us lose that because we get so caught up in activities. Being busy has become a goal for many people. Often times those activities are an excuse to not be with ourselves, to not look at our Rs and we don't have time to work on ourselves because we have to be somewhere else.
Always.
Do you do that or are you comfortable just being? Do you take time to reflect and renew?
I see your 180s in your previous post and that's good but what are you doing for you?
I think looking at the big picture is also helpful. You didn't get into this predicament alone, your H played his part even if it seems he didn't. Men (or women) who stand on the sidelines and then aren't happy with the way things went are just as controlling as those of us who overtly control. That's just for perspective. You can only change you and it sounds like you're making strides. Do you feel that you're making progress with you, not your M but with you?
As you can see, I've been at this for close to 2 years but only on the boards for 18 months. The first 6 months or so before I came here, I was a mess and was sure it was all about me and what I did wrong. I didn't start to really makes changes until I accepted me as I am with all my flaws. I then was able to see what I needed to change to make myself who I wanted to be. Before that it was all about changing to get him to come back.
Those are the changes that don't last.
So relax into this, nothing worth happening happens quickly. You've heard it before, it's a marathon, not a sprint. Work on you, stop worrying so much about what your H will or won't do. I doubt that he even knows but the fact is, it doesn't matter.
The 2 of you are on separate paths right now. You have your goals, he has his and what those are is not your business, you have enough to do to stay on your path. Sometime in the future your baths might intersect or converge, you just don't know. All you can do is stay on the path today and not worry about what's ahead. Worrying about the future never changed anything. I used to think the more I worried about something, the more prepared I was for whatever.
Wrong.
It just robbed me of today. I still have to stop the obsessive worry sometimes.
Life is so much better without it.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Man, labug, I needed this today too. I feel so grateful to have found DB & the boards so early in in my sitch. I am having an emotional weekend and I was just thinking that I may have left my schedule too open with the kids gone. But, no. This is what I need. To feel these things, to look within. It's hard.
One of the things that I need to change is my disorganization. So, I've been purging my office. That has been giving me time to think...and worry. No more wasted worry today!
It is important to focus on the good parts of us too. We did not get into this alone. But the only thing that I an effect change in, is myself. It feels painfully slow at times, but I have hope.
Labug, awesome stuff as usual!
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Very thoughtful post labug. I appreciate you taking the time to really read and understand my sitch.
You are right that H and I are on different paths right now. And, who knows if they will ever converge again.
I do feel like I've changed over the past 8 months (since BD). I still have a long way to go though. Some parts of me are missing-like the strong, "gritty" me that was very much a part of who I was. I don't like that I feel weak and emotionally vulnerable so much. I don't like how I have to constantly question what I'm going to say to H and how I'm going to say it.
I know I am failing miserably in the GAL department. I will do better with this over time. My GALs mostly revolve around my boys. By choice. I know I need to start doing more things for me.
Some GALs- I did go out to bookstore on Saturday just to get a coffee and read by myself. Enjoyed myself a lot. Then GF came over to my house for a drink Sat night & to chat. Also, going to spend the whole day w FIL (on Wednesday)who is coming home from the hospital tomorrow.
PoN, how am I catering to him? Because I allow him to come to the house to see the boys? B/c I choose not to have boys go to his apartment (except one night)? I ask not to defend myself, b/c I truly am not see what I'm doing that I should not be doing!
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
I do feel like I've changed over the past 8 months (since BD). I still have a long way to go though. Some parts of me are missing-like the strong, "gritty" me that was very much a part of who I was.
I'm sure she didn't go far. Call her back.
Quote:
I don't like that I feel weak and emotionally vulnerable so much. I don't like how I have to constantly question what I'm going to say to H and how I'm going to say it.
Thinking about our words is a way of being we all should have learned as children but most of us didn't. For many of us it's our lack of thinking and poor choice or words that got us here. sigh
So look at this as a master class in self-expression, something that will pay off greatly for the rest of your life. Think how lucky your boys are that they get the benefit of your new communication skills. And they can learn from you.
It's OK if you don't have an answer to tell H that you need time to think and will get back to him.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I addressed this a bit to you on my thread, but in order to be friends with H, I have found that two things must occur:
You have to be happy where you are. Oh, I am not saying that everyday is a wonderful Disney kind of day, but that you have to have your own life (This is where the GAL comes in...you have to get out even if just for a movie by yourself in the afternoon when H comes). Take a free class in something, anything. Check the Groupons etc for good prices and deals in your area. Try something once just to see...this is key. The more you isolate yourself, the harder it is to see your own worth Turtle. Once you are good with you, you can accept that being friends may never result in the R you want. That any expectation is going to kill you and you have to be in the spot where if nothing happens with H, you go on with your life because it is full and rewarding already
The second thing is that H must also want to be friends, but he must also realize that your expectations are none. As you have already posted, H is being stand offish because he doesn't want to raise your hopes. So when you have your own life and you are carrying on and you seem happy and are doing your thing, he will cautiously throw a friendly something out there and you respond in kind. Even if a phone call where he starts to talk about other things, you can be supportive and friendly and then say "Gotta go, have to go to store, gym, lunch, etc" and it was great to talk to you. Talk to you later (smile smile smile upbeat),
My H constantly wonders how he left and I got happy...lol! I acted as if for the longest time and then I realized, I was pretty freaking happy. And am happy that he is getting to a good place as well, even if he needs someone else to do it with.
Good call on H and kids at his place. I would let them go more often. And don't be home when they are at H's...go out, have some fun, wander around, do something that looks interesting but never thought you would do. Sometimes I compliment total strangers on their hair, look etc. I asked the barista at Starbucks if I could make my own latte (sadly no ). But he gave me great advice on karaoke...lol. Put yourself out there just a little. You can make someone's, or your day by giving a small compliment or getting out of your comfort zone. Try it!
