I slipped at our dance formation class this past week. I let someone get to me. There's a woman in the class who sometimes makes inappropriate comments. My W complimented me during class, and the woman stated that was surprised by my W's comments (implying my W doesn't compliment me in class, which is sometimes true). I don't see where she needs to be making commentary about my R. I let the comment bother me, and kept quiet for the rest of the class, when I could have been socializing with the rest of the group.
This is the sort of thing I need to work on--maintaining my balance when people aren't validating or inappropriate. My strength is my heart and sensitivity. I need to combine it with strength. I think I'm making progress, but let others and situations unbalance me. In the past I would stay unbalanced and act as if I were powerless. I'm now recognizing this pattern, and getting my balance back more quickly, but it takes effort, and it's not natural yet.
I know what I need to do. I'm going to have more of a presence at our next formation class. I'm going to accept that I can't control another person's inappropriate comments. I'm also going to work on being less self-conscious about what other people think of my W, her comments, and imperfections revealed to others about our R and past. We have an imperfect past, and it will sometimes reveal itself, or did reveal itself in past actions. I will tolerate this woman, and not be any more than civil to her. I will enjoy the people in class who I can connect with. I will speak up more in group conversations, instead of being so careful about saying something wrong, or worry about not being validated. It's my responsibility to balance myself after being surprised by inappropriate or invalidating comments or actions by others.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I went to see the movie, Lincoln yesterday. This is a man whose strengths I would like to model. He was a man of heart and strength. I've always had the heart, but have needed to learn how to be strong. I've been reading his biography, A. Lincoln, and speeches for the past month. Lincoln had skills that are also necessary in managing a M. One must act from conviction and morals. One must articulate their convictions, values, and thoughts and feelings well, and hold onto them as-needed. One must treat others with dignity and respect. One must be strong and resilient in the face of conflict and adversity. One must be skillful at managing people when opinions inevitably differ.
I've been exploring the areas of American history and biography in my personal reading and have been captivated by Lincoln, the Civil War, and the problem of slavery.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
My W has been speaking up more lately. She complained that our dance lessons were too focused on me. We negotiated and now split the hour--we each get to choose an agenda for half the lesson. This has worked out very well. She's working on improving her posture and frame. I've noticed the difference, and people have been paying compliments to both of us. I'm glad she's been working on being more assertive. Dancing has been more enjoyable with her.
She also has begun taking Ritalin. Her sibling advised her to look into it. I found a test and reviewed it with her. She is likely ADD/ADHD. She mentioned it to her psychiatrist who gave her a trial. She's mentioned that it helps her to concentrate during her work day. She has been much easier to live with these past few months. There are much fewer episodes of irritability.
We've been invited to go on a cruise with some dance acquaintances this year. My W would like a change of pace from vacations with just the two of us. This will be more of an adjustment for me, but I'm willing to give it a try.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
She also has begun taking Ritalin. Her sibling advised her to look into it. I found a test and reviewed it with her. She is likely ADD/ADHD. She mentioned it to her psychiatrist who gave her a trial. She's mentioned that it helps her to concentrate during her work day. She has been much easier to live with these past few months. There are much fewer episodes of irritability.
How long does the Ritalin take to take effect, CL? I know with some anti-depressants/anti-anxiety meds, it can take a few weeks. Just curious.
My W is looking and acting more confident on the dance floor. We went to our monthly ballroom dance event, and she danced most of the night without needing to depend on me too much.
We had a meetup night with our dance studio last night at a R & B type restaurant with dance floor. She managed to be drunk by the time we got there. She must have been drinking Rum at our dance venue earlier in the evening. It's no fun to dance with her when she's intoxicated, yet she kept asking me. No one else was intoxicated in the group. I was annoyed and embarrassed and felt trapped by the situation.
I did make the best of the situation. I told others she was likely drinking Rum earlier in the evening, and left it at that--no complaining. When she was on the dance floor, I had conversation with others who were there. A friend told me to dance with her, and smile. Rejecting her for dances would only make things worse.
I'm not sure if there were boundaries to be set on my end. Her public intoxication happens maybe once every few months. I'm embarrassed by the situation, but maybe that's my issue.
She wants to join a formation team, with our social dance studio, to be performed in May. We currently are on a formation team with our instructional studio, to be performed in April. I initally told her two teams were too much. She wants to do it. I've been thinking about the importance of giving, so will likely agree, and figure out how to make it work, since it seems important to her. I'm thinking it will be good for us to connect more with our social dance studio, and performance experience is good for us.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
My W continues to have problems with her boss. She has a part-time bookkeeping job. She's had the job for three months. The small business is not doing well. The owner has yelled at my W on several occassions. My W has stood up for herself, which stopped the problem for a few weeks. She came home today upset about being yelled at. She asked me if she could tell her boss, that if he yells at her again, he will have to speak to me. When she gets stressed, she turns to beer to calm herself down.
I thought about it. I generally don't like to get in the middle of my W's job issues, but I think an exception can be made here. This job is expendable. I've been thinking about what I would say to him. It probably doesn't matter. I would probably state that I'm concerned about how angry he gets with my W, and ask if there's something I can do to help solve the problem, so she doesn't come home upset. Showing up in support of my W, would make a statement. She might lose the job over it, but that's OK. I agreed that she could tell him her H would get involved, if his behavior continued. She's handled it better than I expected so far, yet the problem continues. We'll see how this plays out.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I think that would be a mistake, CL. I personally would think less of an employee if she had her husband speak to me about HER job situation! I think your wife needs to learn to handle these situations on her own, without you "rescuing" her.
Now, you DO need to validate her, however. "That must really be upsetting to be yelled at like that" and that sort of thing. But I would not personally let my wife put me in the middle of her situation at work -- I think it's unprofessional.
I've scaled the plan back. My W and I both agree that it would be unwise for me to speak to her employer. She may say to her employer that her H is not happy about her coming home upset from work. She's hoping my presence at her place of employment, from time to time would be helpful. Her hypothesis is that her employer picks on single women, who don't have spouse's to support them.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
