Bklyn With Love

[2thepoint]

You are in a much better frame of mind, BK. I remember how traumatized you and all of us were around each of our respective BD's. Most of us us have really come a long way. But we also know the journey isn't over, right? I guess it never really ends, does it!

[reachingHigher]

He so wanted to present himself as the perfect man, he is handsome, in shape and has a good income and I so wanted him to be the perfect man that I ignored most of his strange behavior.

He was never able to make connections with new people. He never connected to any of my friends or family in a very real way. I thought it was my friends that he didnt like. He was so distant even from me. But I really thought I could live with someone that is distant because he is such a "good guy".

Bklyn, I couldn't have described my own H better. I told one of my sisters a couple of years ago, "how can you live with someone for 15 years and feel like you don't even know who they are?"

I'm hoping my H will complete his MLC journey and be free of his demons that haunt him.

I read how well you did with exchanging the children and I think you did great! You have a lot of fortitude and courage.

Keep up the good work!

rH

[BklynMom]

thks 2 and rh. I am proud of myself. I have come a long long way but its still so freakin hard. I remember I need to do what works and what works is Alanon meetings, medication, therapy and writing here. It taken a lot of time and money for me come closer to peace.

Here is the email I got from H this morning. Thoughts would be great.

Hey. I know this is a sucky situation, and i wouldn't try to coat it any other way, but i feel like we are close on the parenting agreement. I'm wondering how you feel about it and also wondering how we can help finish this whole thing. I am not angry. And i am not pointing a finger in any direction. I do feel like we are two smart people (well, i'm a dim witted ape and you can't spell, so maybe we are two capable people) and we can figure this thing out. I ask for a couple reasons - the simplest but by no means the most important, financially, my L has received about the same it's gonna cost for D4s freshman year of college. Also, i ask because i think it well help us as parents, i really do. If we can finish this, i think it will help us deal with each other and also have better plans for the girls. I also ask, because personally I am still living in a place i thought i'd be bolting out of at the end of my one year lease - so everything is temporary, and i haven't invested time, effort and energy into making this a real home for D4 and D2. Not that it's lacking any necessity, but it's not "home", if that makes any sense. Feels like i'm on location. And I'd like to make a "home" for the girls where i live too.

Practically speaking, i worry because you are starting a job soon (congratulations on that), but it seems like when we are working nothing gets done, and i start my next job before you wrap. The process we have been in for the last 18 months is amazingly slow. I don't know how it normally happens, but a letter or draft, then between 2 and 6 weeks for a response that only leads to more letters seems a little nuts to me. Again, i am not pointing a finger at anyone, it could very well be my attorney or me, or maybe it's just the path that we went down in the beginning and we can't recover from it, any which way, i think it would be good for all involved to figure some way out of this. I thought in december we made some big headway and when my job wrapped i thought we were gonna tie things up, but that hasn't happened. is there any thing that we could adjust in the way we are operating to help?

ok. getting to the nuts and bolts a bit. It seems like the only thing in the parenting agreement that we aren't on the same page with is the (and i am probably using the wrong term) moving radius. I don't want to limit where you and the girls live. i just want us to share in the pickups and drop offs if we live far apart (like more than 15/20 miles). I just think it would be really hard on a shooting weekend to drive to say new jersey (if you wanted to live near your cousins or something) twice, or even more, getting a sitter to drive there on a friday, bring them back to the city and stay till dawn. maybe a certain distance triggers you dropping them off, and/or if i'm shooting a saturday morning pickup if we live far from each other. i don't know B(nick name), but i think us talking about this last issue (and please correct me if there is more than this one thing) will be a lot more productive than your dad and dan sending re-written drafts to each other.

If this is not comfortable for you, i'm open to any ideas. Do you want to meet with me and talk?

I am totally off the reservation with this email. i don't want you to think this is a play here."""

I wrote back

""Thanks for the email. I will think about it.

Honestly the whole thing still hurts so bad I don't want to be a puddle"""


Also my father/my lawyer told me that my husbands law firm was in the law newspaper today for shady unethical behavior which they deny. My father has already told me his law firm is terrible and is ripping him off. I emailed H and let him know about the article.

[Mtnman]

Sorry bklyn. Your H sounds like my W when it comes to discussing the sitch. They are oblivious to how brutal this all is. This is serious, hurtful stuff, and they approach it with no more emotion than if we are discussing who's picking up a gallon of milk on the way home.

Keep fighting!

[BklynMom]

Here is the email I get from him this morning. What???

well if you don't want to meet with me, could we do another sit down with your dad and dan before your job starts? i really think we can figure out the last steps better that way. and after you start work and then me, it will be harder to get us all together. dan should be done with a financial draft beginning of next week. i finally tracked down my last w2.

two years ago you asked me to see a therapist. and i did.
you asked me to go to couples counseling. and i did.
you asked me to go to AA/alanon meetings. and i did.
i'm asking you, can we please get a handle on this? going through this letter writing process is crazy expensive. and we don't have a complicated situation. i'm open to any ideas you may have of moving forward and not have this take another year and half.

i'm not saying this in any vindictive way - we are done vanessa. please don't be holding out hopes of that not being the case.

i only say the above because i don't want to send you mixed messages. it is not meant to be harmful. we do now and will continue to communicate a lot and i don't want it to be terse and curt out of fear of making a joke (cuz i'm so damn funny- .333 batting average). i want the girls to see us getting along (and actually get along) and not a mom vs dad life for them. i'm sure you hate me, and if not, at least resent me. and i understand that. we need to put this past us and get on living our lives. it is the only healthy thing to do. i know it hurts. it [censored] [censored]. i don't want it to suck for 20 years. please let me know what you think.

---

To me this seems like a crazy reactive response to my email saying I will think about it.

[Mtnman]

He's trying to not suffer the consequences of his actions. Primarily, that you won't like him or be his friend. He's attempting to charm you and, at the same time, rationalize why you two should get along.

[BklynMom]

This is my response
----
I do not wish that you and I were a couple. What happened hurt a lot and still hurts (especially when my kids want their Daddy) but I see now that I deserve more in a relationship. I deserve to be with someone who is being honest with me and with himself.

I have been very gracious through out this whole thing and have never indicated to the girls that its mom vs. dad. I constantly tell them how much you love them and that they have the best dad.

I would prefer if you and I met one on one then to schedule another meeting with Dan & my father.

I know my father is sending Dan the hopefully final parenting agreement today
----

thanks Mtn Man. He is wacko. I have been practically saintly towards him since Sept 2011. He couldnt ask for more from a woman he walked away from.

I love what you said about milk, he acts like he forgot to bring home milk meanwhile he is leaving a wife and 2 young girls

Telling me he went to therapy and AA etc is hysterical to me since he went with both hands over his ears. He went to 3 cousneling sessions with his own therapist and after 3 he claims the therapist told him he was okay and didn't need therapy. I find this very hard to believe. (I am holding back my laughter)

[Mtnman]

Throwing in the therapy and AA stuff is helping him with guilt. He really wants to believe, and hopes you do to, that he tried.

[wishing, hoping]

(((BK)))

I got the same talk from H that we need to get along for the sake of the kids and learn to work together blah blah. It's all lip service to make them feel better because you know what? When I help out he tells me I don't need help. When I don't help him out he gets angry that I am not helping. It's all about them and what makes them feel good.

I think your response was fine. Don't expect anything out of it though. Just my 2 cents. Usually it's in one ear and out the other.

Hang in there!!

WH

[BklynMom]

I know mtn man he is really trying to believe he tried. Maybe his girlfriend buys it but I don't.

Thks rh. You are so right it lip service. Made me think about how when I packed food for them on a road trip he told me they didn't eat it or need it. He wants me to be his co parent on his terms only