Need to let go

[labug]

This is such a painful thing to hear. I know I got it a couple of months ago and then to a lesser degree just last weekend. It still hurts even after all this time. But not as much. It does get better.

You've gotten some good advice.

Do start living your life for you. Act as if.

And work on that control thing, letting go of that and not worrying so much about what others thought of me has been such a gift for me.

But it takes a lot of digging into who you want to be and what's important to you to get there.

You can do this.

[AnotherStander]

I asked him WHY if he "cares me for so much" that he treats me like $hit? He said he didn't mean too but thought that if he was nice in any way that I might misread it to be him "coming back" or "regaining his feelings."

When my W was still at home she treated me like crap for a week or so. Then she came to me and said she just couldn't do it anymore. I asked her why she did and she pretty much said the same thing as your H, that she thought it would be easier for ME to accept the sitch if she treated me like dirt and she didn't want to send the wrong signals by being friendly towards me! It's just amazing how the mind of a WAS can justify things. But she felt guilty about it and said I was too nice and didn't deserve to be treated that way. Yay me, LOL!

He is adament that his feelings for OW will not change

I'd lay money that there was a time not so long ago that he would have said the exact same thing about YOU. He's a fool if he thinks "feelings" are forever.

I feel so defeated. I feel so hopeless.

That's OK, you deserve to feel that way a little while. Just take some time to let those feelings wash over you. But try to remember that they are just feelings. They don't control you and they don't define you. Like Michele says in DR, the person you are right now is not the real you. This person is depressed, sad, frustrated; but this is due to your sitch. The real you is still in there, you've just got to find her again.

I'm tired of being treated like nothing. I deserve more, better. I deserve happiness, respect, and I deserve to find myself again!

You're absolutely right. And you know you're not going to get that from H, at least not for a long, long time. So you've got to seriously detach from him, you WILL find yourself and your happiness if you do

[AnotherStander]

Yay me, LOL!

That part was sarcasm by the way. Even now it just blows my mind that W (or any WAS) could think that treating their spouse like crap is actually beneficial and a GOOD idea!

[DaddyLongShanks]

Yay me, LOL!

That part was sarcasm by the way. Even now it just blows my mind that W (or any WAS) could think that treating their spouse like crap is actually beneficial and a GOOD idea!

Well the thought process that goes down for this is that you aren't any one special and they aren't kissing your ass, and it ends up in that they won't do anything for you, and then they say they are not "taking care of you", but they are actively hurting you ontop of it.

The other one is the selfish entitlement of a cake eater. It's not that they concerned that maybe they are hurting you, they are so focused on themself that they never even thought of you...

[tori2012]

GTO, you've been given great advice. Focus on yourself and give some thought to what you want to do. He definitely should own the responsibility to file for D if that is what he wants. My question is, if he really is done, then why isn't he filing?

Hang in there. We're here for you.

[littleGTO]

Tori,

I don't know why he isn't filing? Maybe too much to deal w his dad and his sister (health issues/cancer). Maybe he wants to keep me around "just in case" --you know, option B. Maybe b/c OW is still livng w her eXH (selling the house) he doesn't feel rushed right now.

I've asked myself that question a lot lately.

I think ruby has it right in trying to have the friendship thing...you never know where they could take you! I just have to remember no expectations. Friendly like a neighbor. Friendly like a co-worker.

On another note, I don't know why I still wear my wedding anniversary rings. They are so special to me, yet I don't really feel married any more. Just on paper.

[SM34]

Does he wear his ring? If not, I think that is considered pressure. Maybe a veteran can chime in.

I still wear my ring and my W is in an active affair! But she wears her wedding band and also she has only told a few people of what is going on so I feel by taking mine off it would be forcing the situation to come out into the open. Almost like exposing.

I think is he has taken his off, and your separation is public, it is not making you look strong and forward looking if you still wear it. May even be interpreted as clingy.

That's my opinion but don't rush and take it off before getting other opinions! Do you have a DB coach? I'd you don't, try to get one if you can afford it. My coach has been wonderful and.clarified lots of things for me.

[ThisDayForward]

You need not get hung up on rings. TRUST me on this. Little you are projecting. You need to detach and start working on yourself. EE was suggested or any workshop to get you started. People have also mention Imago. You are also projecting and trying to figure out his every move. Yes it hurts but you need to move forward.

YOU NEED TO GO 100% DARK.

Did you start to see how he reacted when you said you were going out but didn't tell him where? He got panicked or upset. GOOD. But you're not continuing to do things like this.

You are going DARK FOR YOU. BTW everything he says is scripted. Right down to the very last word. My W also asked for her own bank account and even withdrew money out of our JC. She took the exact amount she came with into the marriage 10 years ago. Sort of comical now.

Don't worry why he isn't filing. You really need to start working on yourself, take the focus off him, go dark, stay mysterious, and find a support system..It doesn't appear to me you are consistantly doing anything suggested to you. You have to. Again I waited 1 year to do so and it wrecked me. Why would you want to do that to yourself?

[littleGTO]

My H does not and has not EVER worn a wedding ring, so he didnt have to make a decision about that.

PoN, I have gone as dark as I could for a long while--just talk about the kids and finances, as needed. BUT that has gotten me nowhere. Plus, I see him almost every day, although briefly.

I HAVE been working on myself. I am definitely in a better place than I was a month ago. The recent R conversation w H set me back though.

It makes me realize how done he believes he is. I know that is mind reading, but ALL his actions lead me to believe this.

I DO have a good support system -- a very good one. I just don't feel like talking about the same stuff over and over and I'm sure my family & friends don't want to hear it over and over.

I had an IC session yesterday. I confessed to her I know I need to be GALing but I just can't seem to get going too quickly. Absolutely ALL my friends are married w families, so there w/e's tend to be wrapped up in the family activities that we always were/are.

Philadelphia is too far for me to go to EE. I need to look for something more locally. A friend of mine did get tickets today for Jillian Michaels who is coming to our area in May! (She inspires me!):)

You are right, PoN, I do need to GAL. BUT, you are wrong that I haven't been doing anything suggested to me. More of the same isn't getting me anywhere (darkish). He perceives me as being cold, which wasn't my intent. I was trying to be dim. He is the same to me.

[littleGTO]

My H is out w his co-workers for an evening out including OW. Although I am definitely thinking about it, I am not obsessing or even overly concerned about what he might or might not do tonight.

Eventually I figure they will become physical. I actually am surprised it hasn't happened yet (am I sure, yeah, pretty sure it hasn't already happened).

FIL was in 10 hours of brain surgery today, but he will be fine. Coming out of recovery okay, SIL says. That is a huge relief (for me and my H, I'm sure).

His M's death and now his father's surgery and then his S is going to have chemo then surgery starting the beginning of March. It will be a long time before our family sees better times. By then who knows where we'll be.

No GALs planned except boys' basketball games and church on Sunday. Might invite GF over for drinks at my house tomorrow to hang out. Hope to play indoor tennis next w/e (cancelled from last w/e. Want to visit FIL either in hospital or at his home sometime this coming week.

Just chillin' out w my boys tonight!