So she has been lying to me. Things started to turn for the better last late August/September and I began to have some hope of turning the corner. She said, "I love you" for the first time in months and was giving me attention she hadn't given me since the BD. She wanted me to come see her at work before I picked the kids up. She was introducing me to her clients at work as "her husband" and telling me it was good to see the old me again.
Then in late September things starting turning south again. Looking through the kids home phone records this morning I got the itch to search for the OM's # since in the past the D talks have ramped up when she and him are contacting each other, and lo and behold, calls started in late September. She assured me very recently there was no one else in the picture, but the calls to the home phone are at least a few a month, and that implies calls to her cell phone and email contact as well.
I just found this out this morning, and the EA has been difficult enough to deal with in the past, but that was "over" and it's the lying that is tearing me up inside.
I don't know this person. I know she is hurting and confused and that I need to approach this situation delicately and not let my emotions get the best of me. I do not think I should confront her. I am having trouble not confronting him because he has, now thrice, ignored specific terms he was to meet. And I don't know if I should contact his wife, who is well aware of the past, but perhaps not since this started back up in September. I feel she has the right to know, but it would certainly stir the pot a great deal.
She has thanked me multiple times recently for being her friend, which I understand is is the basis for any hope of a future R, but I don't think I can be friends with someone I don't trust. And a PA may be a deal breaker for me.
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Man I wish I could post and have them show up...by the time they are approved my thread is already on the 3rd or 4th page.
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
She can tell something is up today. I just don't know what to do. Act "as if" this doesn't bother me? I very much disapprove of this behavior.
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
I'm just not sure how to act tonight when I go to the house and she is there. If I act as normal as I can, then I at least don't blow my cover. If I act standoff-ish, it might push her away. But as I've read, it isn't necessarily so much having her be "nice" to me in the near term, but having respect for me as a man in the long term. I really feel a major breach of trust and this is just unacceptable.
Act as if? Or draw my line?
All the progress I have made on myself doesn't mean I have to accept all types of behavior, yet the countless stories on here about not acknowledging this type of behavior and the subsequent advice to act as though it has no impact on me. It isn't so much the OM, which was a terrible surprise, but the deceit about it.
*sigh*
-tmd
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
I will be leaving for the house shortly. I will act as "as if" as I can and stick to the plan. I hope I am not justifying weak behavior...
-tmd
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
So I played "as if" as best I could last night, spending most of my time with my daughters. She could tell something was bothering me, but didn't ask me any specifics. I was just going to say "I had a rough day" and leave it at that if she did mention something. She did offer to rub my neck and back.
I'm still so conflicted about what to do. Draw my line and say that "friends" don't treat each other this way, or to just act like nothing has happened and play it cool (I will always have the information for future reference, of course). The man in me has a real problem not drawing the line because the terms I set forth last year have been breached (again) by both W and OM - a clear sign of disrespect. The hopeless romantic in me wants to make sure I don't burn the bridge, but I feel like I don't know this person who looks and, for the most part, acts like my W...
So I have phone records of them speaking over the last five months (I may have already posted that, but I'm not sure because it isn't approved yet). Those are just records to the home phone, so I have no idea how much communication they have been having to her cell phone or anything about email exchanges, and I'm not going to go looking for that information. I don't know what they are talking about and, of course, my mind gravitates towards the worst thoughts, but it could be nothing - it's unlikely, but the possibility exists and I recognize that.
I just feel stuck as to what angle to take with my wife. She is very nice to me and it makes me want to trust her, and I HAVE trusted her, I just wonder if I'm a fool for doing so. At least I have done the right and honorable things (in my mind) over the course of this long process and I can rest my head at night knowing that. I have tried REALLY hard. I have prayed REALLY hard. I have trusted. I have had faith. And all along I have known that none of that guarantees me any results.
It's so ironic how our roles have completely switched throughout this experience. Yesterday was very difficult for me and I thought to myself, "I don't know this person anymore. I just don't see her the same way as I used to." And that really hurts. And I immediately thought of the times when I was sick and she was reaching out to me...she said the same things. "tmd: please change because I'm starting to not see you the same way anymore."
And I didn't listen. *ugh*
And it's thoughts like that that keep me grounded and give me the perspective to keep fighting and working. Knowing that I put her through what she is now putting me through: wondering what I'm doing, wondering who this person is, waiting for my spouse to "come back," hoping and getting my hopes crushed, feeling betrayed, feeling alone. And it's been a really, REALLY tough 14 months for me, and I know you all know how this feels, but I've felt deserving of feeling this way because of what *I* put *her* through. I hurt her terribly and so I can take it. I don't believe in some karmic balance or that one is necessary, but if this is how she felt then I want to feel it too.
But right now I'm still conflicted as to what to do. My sister thinks I'm a little crazy for ignoring what I found yesterday. She understands that I have to be somebody my W would be a fool to leave, but there has to be a point where enough is enough. And I agree.
I'm certainly not putting the burden of my decision on anyone reading this, but any input is welcome.
(If anyone not on moderation could bump this thread so it gets more traffic I would appreciate it. Thanks in advance.)
-tmd
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
She just texted me: "I feel like I am perpetually fat." Which is ridiculous because she is in the fitness industry and takes very good care of herself.
I responded with: "I am sorry you feel that way, but [W], you are a beautiful, intelligent, strong...a VERY desirable woman, and I can't be around much anymore to remind you of that as often as you deserve to hear it, so you need to stop beating yourself up with thoughts like that."
I almost wrote "silly thoughts" or "ridiculous thoughts", but didn't want to call her feelings either of those words (learned from this forum about validating feelings, though I don't know if the above is a very good job of that).
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Wow, I don't know how, but I forget how bad the the bad days are.
Ugh^blah
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
As bad as the day was it ended pretty well. What a crazy ride.
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
