We have gone to counseling but i didn't give it a chance. Im now seeing a therapist on my own and really want her to go with me but she had refused. We have remained in contact. Usually me trying to convince her that things won't be the same. That doesn't work. I can't leave her alone. She is the only thing i can think about. She has said she has done everything she is willing to do. I don't want to lose her. I know that I may have already lost her based on the number of chances I have been Given. I have been trying to do everything i can to help her with things around the house offering to taker her to dinner. Trying to spend tone with her. She will allow me to help her sometimes but she always says she doesn't want to talk about US and i can't help it. I just feel like if i leave her alone she will move on. If we are not talking she will think I'm seeing someone and making her think i don't want to fix our problems. I know i can make her happy and treat her right and be the husband she deserves. I'm just at a loss. I need to get my wife back. I love her with all my heart. I feel so lost. I'm losing interest in everything i enjoy doing i don't sleep. I am destroyed and the worst part about is it's all my doing.
Im now seeing a therapist on my own and really want her to go with me but she had refused.
Do not force her into MC!! When one spouse has a foot out the door MC just doesn't work because they've already made up their mind that they're done, and MC will just emphasize to them how done they are. Like Cadet said, detach, GAL, give her time and space.
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We have remained in contact. Usually me trying to convince her that things won't be the same. That doesn't work.
Quite right, begging, pleading, negotiating and reasoning DO NOT WORK. So don't do that! What does work? Detaching, giving them time and space, working on yourself, doing 180's on your problems.
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I can't leave her alone.
You have to or you will just drive her right out the door.
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She is the only thing i can think about.
That's why you have to detach and GAL. You're smothering her and she doesn't want that.
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She has said she has done everything she is willing to do.
And she has for now. Later (probably MUCH later) she may change her mind. But not now. And not soon.
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I have been trying to do everything i can to help her with things around the house offering to taker her to dinner. Trying to spend tone with her. She will allow me to help her sometimes but she always says she doesn't want to talk about US and i can't help it.
You really have to stop all this, you are doing the absolute opposite of what you should do. Read DR, it's all in there. It'll tell you what NOT to do, and what TO do.
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If we are not talking she will think I'm seeing someone and making her think i don't want to fix our problems.
You're mind-reading. Look at the many threads on these forums, start reading about other sitches. Detaching and giving space is what works. It doesn't always work, but sometimes it does. But what NEVER works is what you're engaging in now.
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I know i can make her happy and treat her right and be the husband she deserves.
Don't say it, do it. Show her. She will not listen to her words. But show her consistent actions and she will notice.
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I need to get my wife back.
You need to work on yourself and hope that she comes back by her own free will.
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I love her with all my heart. I feel so lost. I'm losing interest in everything i enjoy doing i don't sleep. I am destroyed and the worst part about is it's all my doing.
Believe me, most of us have been right where you are now. Just try and relax. You've got plenty of time. It took her years to get to this point and you're not going to turn it around in days or weeks. It'll take many months. So settle in. Start reading. Start with DR. Read other threads. Journal here to clear your head. You're not alone, we're here for you and nearly all of us have walked in your shoes. You can do this!
Take what AS is saying and start acting on them ASAP. We've all been there and I know your hurting, your mind is racing and you feel all alone but time is the key here.
I'm 3 months into DBing and by GAL, detaching and setting focus points (big & small) you will make yourself feel better.
M - 37 W - 35 T - 11 M - 5.5 SD13 D10 S4 ILYBINILWY 15 Oct '12 Moved out 7 Dec 12 At present - Being the best dad i can be.
thanks for the advice. I have been reading books and articles on the topic and have started to understand how what im doing now isnt going to help. we are quickly approching 5 months of seperation. The last 3 weeks we have been dealing with some issues concerning our dog and have spent everyday together. before this came up we would go about a week between contact. we have been going out to dinner working together to fix our dog issue working out. I attempted to talk to her about us the first week and she told me I was around for the dog. I have not brought it up again. we have been getting along really well. the situation with the dog is coming to an end in the next week or so. hopefully things wont go back to the way they were before. im hoping with the time we are spending together we can get things back on track.
OK, well that's a good sign that you're getting along but don't try to push or hurry things along. Don't pressure her with any R talks, just work on letting her feel comfortable around you. Keep all the talk light and fluffy! If she expresses emotions then don't argue/ reason/ beg/ plead/ negotiate. Just let her talk and validate her emotions. Good luck!
OK my wife and I have been together for 6.5yrs. We moved in together right away.i lied to her about allot of things and didnt tell her i was separated From my first wife let alone that i had been married at all. I also viewed a good amount of pornography knowing that my wife felt very strongly about it and would promise her i wouldn't use it again but i did. She told me quite a few times that it was the last chance. After about 2.5yrs of marriage i started to play an online game and engaged in an emotional relationship with a woman in the UK. My wife found out about it and i tried to lure to cover it up but she had solid proof. We stated talk of separating we stayed together for year and there were more lies the whole time. She list all trust in me. Had been viewing images of women and she saw it and kicked me out. this was 3 months ago. One week into this i had joined s dating site and posted a personal ad within a few days i deleted them feeling guilty. I told her about it once she found the new email address i used. About a month later i joined another dating site. All while telling her how much she means to me and that i want to work this out which i really want to happen. She found out about that. I didnt meet anyone off of these sites. Since she found out about the site i have not been drinking or going to bars. I have been trying to focus on my marriage. Everything I say she thinks I'm lying I don't blame her I have lied so many times in the past. Try to talk to her about it but she says she has heard it all before. She said she doesn't know if she still loves me. I'm dying inside because I know its all my fault. What can I do if anything at this point.
You don 't stand a chance until you conquer the lying. I have a person in my family who is a chronic liar. I don't believe anything he says, and his lying has really hurt our R.
If you really want her, then stay off dating sites and away from those games!
Get professional help.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I agree with Sandi, you have some serious issues with the constant lying and deception and you can't conquer that on your own. You really need some professional help. Your W is not going to want to come back unless you make some significant changes and are able to sustain those changes for months. By the way, I applaud you for admitting your faults, that's a good first step.
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Had been viewing images of women and she saw it and kicked me out. this was 3 months ago. One week into this i had joined s dating site and posted a personal ad within a few days i deleted them feeling guilty. I told her about it once she found the new email address i used. About a month later i joined another dating site. All while telling her how much she means to me and that i want to work this out which i really want to happen.
This is what makes me think this is beyond your capacity to handle on your own. You want to work things out, but at the same time you're enrolling on all these dating sites. So behind your W's back you're doing things that you fully know are harmful to your M, but to her face you tell her something different.
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She found out about that. I didnt meet anyone off of these sites.
It doesn't matter whether you did or not, the harm you're causing is the same. An EA is just as damaging as a PA.
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Everything I say she thinks I'm lying I don't blame her I have lied so many times in the past. Try to talk to her about it but she says she has heard it all before. She said she doesn't know if she still loves me. I'm dying inside because I know its all my fault. What can I do if anything at this point.
Get professional help. That alone will be an indication to your W that you're more serious about changing this time. And be patient, it's going to take months and months of opposite behavior before your W will believe you've really changed. Good luck!
