Running on Fumes

[Portia]

Thanks Snodderly

I am not at all concerned about an anger phase. All our finances etc are separate.

I am more concerned with me right now. It has been almost seven months and sometimes I still feel the overwhelming pain of it and worse, to me, the hopelessness.

And yet there is some progress. He does call me and opens up. In our conversation tonight he actually asked about when I would next be in town and that we should get together. That was actually a small step that I was looking for. He even was sympathetic regarding my parent and this horrible cold I seem to have contracted.

I would just like to get better about not thinking of him or the situation especially when there are other things that need to be done.

I very much appreciate you all here.

[Portia]

Question: xSO has told me again that I should call him anytime anywhere. While he had the GF I did not contact him at all. But now that he doesn't have her anymore and has now asked me to call him, even though that is pursuit, should I bend a little and initiate some contact as well? I was the distancer in the relationship but maybe MLC has different rules when it comes to contact? I do not want to go overboard because I am still struggling with detaching (see above post) but we had such a good conversation. I would at least like to keep that dynamic if I can.

And still keep my focus on me.

[job]

Portia,
I personally think you should hold off contacting him. Why? Because he's jumped from you to the ow and is now trying to rope you back into his drama. Your man needs to learn to live on his own and see what he's missing when it comes to you. He can't do that if you are staying in touch w/him. He needs to appreciate what he had and lost. Now, if something should come up in the way of your family member, then yes, I would contact him. Otherwise, stay the course.

Your man needs to grow up.

[BRNR]

Hmmm,

Snodderly I am in the same position as Portia...and often wonder if what I am doing is right as i too was the distancer in the R. When my H left, there was no contact, because he was with OW and I was tired of competing for my own H. But, same thing as Portia, when he broke up with OW, he seemed to be coming around more and initaiting conversations. Right now we are on an email/text contact only other than Kid exchanges. If you get a chance, could you read through my post and see if you would give me the same advice as Portia?

Thanks.

[Portia]

Thanks Snodderly,

I think my needle may be stuck in the same groove. And truthfully, it is so much easier on me when I simply let him initiate the contact. In a small way, if he contacts me it means he wants to talk to me.

I know part of it is now there is no OW in his life, so I am playing the fall back to some extent. I do not like it but I will ride this out for now.

I really believe that he has no real clue what devestation he left behind. Even when he talks about the things he wants to discuss with his counsellor, they are things like how to handle his sister (who is going through troubles of her own) and NOT his own issues. Almost bit my tongue in two for wanting to ask why not discuss with your counsellor how you were content to throw your so-called best friend under a bus? HIs next session is later this week.

While I really hope that he works on his issues, I am almot glad for this "limbo". My parent is fading and so is my emotional tank. When we talk, he talks of himself and his life so I fight the urge to give advice and offer solutions.

Well, Happy Valentine's Day to everyone. Do something to make you smile - I put my cat's food in a heart shaped bowl this morning

[job]

Portia,
I am praying for a smooth and painless transition for your parent.

I think it's cute that you put your cat's food in a heart shaped bowl. The love your cat provides to you is unconditional and I'm sure kitty has provided quite a bit of comfort to you.

Hang in there. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

[Portia]

Thanks Snodderly,

Yep, no one said that my Valentine couldn't be fuzzy, even if her kisses are slightly scratchier than I prefer from my men.

Nothing from xSO for Valentine's Day. I wondered briefly if he was with OW but I really did not care. I had no expectations of receiving anything, although I did kind of hoped he would send at least a text. We never really made a big deal out of the day before.

So, if I had to describe this situation, I am HIS best friend and he is my acquaintance who calls me every few days. Here is where I feel that our "relationship" is so unnatural. Had the roles been reversed and he was sick with a nasty cold and a dying parent, I would have been in touch every day. But I guess I should not be making that comparison anymore.

I feel very discouraged sometimes when I think this could last for years. But I try to remind myself not to complain, at least he wants to talk to me and has even said he wanted to see me. In my situation this is good as we do not have children that would keep us in "forced" contact.

Back to work for me - lots to do!

[Portia]

Nothing much to update on this sitch.

xSO called two nights ago but I was not home. No message.

Then he called last night and we caught up for about an hour. Well, we talked about his life not much about mine. We have always enjoyed talking to each other which was always a huge part of our connection.

On the surface the conversation was not awkward or strange. A transcript would not really reveal anything. But I still feel a bit strange talking to him. I wish I knew how to describe it.

I do not really have the urge for a R talk - at least not the where are we going kind. But I do wish that I could say to him: be very aware that I am not your filler girl while you look for someone else and that I know you expect for me to always be there, I may not be. He does not seem to realize that, in the same way he thought his having a GF would not affect our friendship at BD.

I have also been wondering about his last counselling session. I never brought it up and neither did he. Should I be asking about it or would that be pressure and I should let him bring it up? My thought was to open the conversation but not to push if he does not tell me.

Almost seven months. I miss my best friend. I wonder if he misses me. There have been no I miss yous or ILYs in a long time. Actually ever since he broke up with GF.

[job]

Portia,
Do you feel like you are talking to a very distant friend when you talk to him? Maybe it feels strange because you have been hurt and are trying to protect yourself.

I wouldn't ask him about his counseling sessiion or anything that pertains to it. I think you need to step back just a bit and allow him to bring up the topic. For all you know, he may not have gone....the one thing that I learned early on was to sit back, listen and then validate. Once I was alone I would replay the conversation and sift through it for clues. If you allow him to talk, he will eventually tell you what you need to know.

I'm sure he misses you, but he's not going to say it for a while if he's in mlc. Your man is not fully baked and until then, live your life to the fullest. Keep the focus on YOU!

[Portia]

Thanks Snodderly,

I know it does not always seem that way but the focus really is on me. I have decided that I still want him to be part of my life but I now have no clue how to interact with him. It is not really like starting over because that is not how he relates to me. Maybe that is why it is so strange. I was always the talker and now I am not.

I am learning how to listen which is why I still have so many questions about communication.

Thank you Snodderly. It is always so helpful to me to have an outside perspective. I still have some hope that things will work out even if I am the only one!

Hope your knee isn't giving you too much trouble.