Time and tide...

[nhmom]

I see what dbmod is saying up there, and I think it may be worth a try...as long as it's done without any expectations, as always.

It may give you two a chance to be in a neutral environment, not brought together by any obligations, such as kid activities. If she agrees to go, then go as "friends". Maybe you can enjoy your kids together and may find some things to laugh about. She may appreciate little things you could do for her, like getting her a cup of coffee in the morning. If you go somewhere with spa services, treat her to something relaxing. Hand her a drink and tell her you'll take the boys and let her relax. Or, maybe bring cards, or other portable (non-electronic) games and ask her to join you.

Just be prepared that there is a very good chance that, even if she agrees to go, she will go with a wall around her. She may keep to herself and not engage too much. She may complain. Will you still enjoy your time away and not let her potential mood bother you?

I say, if you want to spend time away as a "family" and she agrees, then go for it...what do you have to lose? You and your W seem to get along well for the most part. Have a great time and enjoy your kids together. No R talk, no hurt feelings, no (sad) emotions...just plain "live in the moment" time. It might be really good for her to get out of the house.

[Starsky309]

I think it all depends on whether or not 2tP is still "DBing" and actively trying to save his marriage, or if he's "moving on" and wanting to co-parent civilly with his wife. How he answers that for himself should dictate his strategy. Cuz -- as someone else noted above -- doing these sorts of things have decidedly NOT led to reconciliation thus far.


Starsky

[JuneReN]

^^ couldn't agree more. 2tP, what's the consensus??

[BklynMom]

Hellloooo....

[2thepoint]

I think the consensus is that I should stay away and find something to do with the boys on my own. That is certainly easy enough to do but also seems like the easy way out.

I have to admit that I am truly conflicted here. On the one hand, I'm really quite weary of this entire episode of my life that has been going on for a very long time. I am taking steps to get my life on a track that doesn't include my W but does include more time with my kids. It is what I must do and it has taken me far too long to get to this point.

On the other hand, my W seems agreeable to a family vacation. For someone who was Done! Done! Done! it sure seems like a positive to me. I know that she recently told me after I brought up the big "us" that her feelings hadn't changed. However, a friend made a point that perhaps I caught her off guard and her instinctive reaction was to be defiant.

Regardless, a family vacation would be good for all of us, the kids especially. And, family time together after such a difficult year+ might be just what the doctor ordered. Maybe!

I've also been thinking about the length of time my sitch has been going on. 17 months is a long time but there are others here who had or have been at it longer and eventually came out the other end, some reconciled, some not. So, while I am making moves to get my life back, get my life on a track for a better future, I still feel like all the signs are there that this show isn't quite over yet.

I have another friend who's W has given him 2 years of he!! but she is not well. She is majorly depressed much like my W. And only now is she starting to take ownership of her actions and ownership of her need to dig herself out of the mess she has made of her life. She is making the effort. And if she can do it, I have to believe my W can too.

I hope I'm making sense and not simply being delusional.

[adinva]

I don't think this is a switch in the railroad track two, just a point along the way. It's not a make or break.

I could be wrong but it seems like your W has been very consistent for a very long time, and I didn't read her reaction to your recent conversation as accidental defiance. It seemed to me like not going would be more of a change for you than going. It would indicate that maybe you're not hanging around in limbo anymore, maybe you're OK with moving forward.

I would think having recently clarified things to you she might feel it's safe to take a family vacation without getting your hopes up.

I think it's wrong to try to base your decision on what she might think or do based on this or that. I think you've got to base it on what is best for you and your kids. Letting the limbo go a while longer? Or separate vacations?

I am wrestling with same, since my H wants us all four to go somewhere for spring break. Family time? A chance to show positives? Maybe even a sign of interest? Or refusal to accept the reality that we aren't together anymore? Or trying to force the "friends" goal that WAS has but LBS doesn't feel? Am I fixing, facilitating, kidding? Can I handle it or will it raise expecations? What if it's an overture and I brush it off? Who am I kidding, it's not an overture. I get it. I can't tell you the answer.

[Accuray]

Unfortunately 2TP the post above is exhibiting hope and expectations. The WAS can smell expectations from a mile away and makes it their job to squash them. Your hope brings you up and the resulting disappointment brings you down. This is the rollercoaster you are oh so familiar with.

The only way you should go on that vacation is if you expect nothing, expect it will change nothing, and can be okay with that -- in other words detached. If you were at detachment I don't think you'd be posting about it because it would be inconsequential.

If you're going to go you need to start working on your mainframe now. Otherwise your expectations will not be met, your resulting frustration will become evident and things will spiral down. You know that's how it goes.

Prepare your state of mind early and leave hope and expectations at home, it's the only way it will work.

Accuray

[BklynMom]

i love how Ad put it, its not a switch in the track just a point along the way.

Neither decision is right or wrong both choices have some positives and negatives.

If you choose to continue on the limbo path (family vacation) can you live with that with no expectations. Will you promise to stop taking her temperature??

PS I am trying not to be envious that you have the chance to go on a family vacation

[BFloat]

sort of jumping in late here..

so to clarify.. you are thinking of taking a family vacation for spring break with your W and boys. you feel this will create some positive family memories for them?

just wondering.. have you talked to them and asked them how they feel?

[2thepoint]

OK folks, I'm going in.....

I'm in Mexico at the moment with the family. So far so good. Truly no expectations on my part. I'm just trying to have a civil and enjoyable time with the family in a place that is conducive to some R&R.

There have already been a few rough patches along the way, like the day before our trip when W completely panicked, was convinced she had thrown out some expensive basketball passes for that evening and I went digging through 3 bags of trash looking for them, (I know, there I go again with the trash). Turns out they were in the back set of her car... of course!

Anyway, I'm here to have a good time with the W and kids and will keep you all posted as the next few days unfold.

It makes it easy when the resort bar is literally steps from the lanai. Now if the skies would only clear up, then everything would be perfect. Well almost everything.