thanks CV and Bug. you are both right. i looked on line at over functioning in a relationship and that's exactly what i used to do. i still find myself starting to do it but now i hold back because i really don't want to do those things anymore.
the article i read also stated that my intention to curtail my over-functioning should be communicated to my H, which is was some time ago (about a month or so). however, i find that this type of change will have to be communicated repeatedly, especially when one person is being denied a service they used to have. they need reminding...
so, i did tell H that i had given too much and done too much in the past and that my own happiness and needs were sacrificed to do so. i indicated to him that i would not be doing that in the future. but you know how it is, they only hear what they want to hear and then don't remember. i imagine it's difficult for him after so many years of getting his way and controlling so much of our relationship.
i'll keep "gently" reminding him that our needs are particular to ourselves. hopefully, he can take it.
one good thing did happen this morning. he advised me that one of his kids, S27, texted him (why do they think this is the best way to communicate?) that he would like for H and his three kids to take a trip together in 2014.
H saw my face and asked how that made me feel. i told him that i was wondering if his S wanted him (us) to pay for it. he reassured me that, no, the S mentioned that he would be opening a savings account for it to pay his way.
I told him i was fine with it, then. i think he can do whatever he wants with his kids. it would be nice for him. he doesn't believe it will even happen because that S is a big talker and doesn't get things done, but, at least we have an understanding that he doesn't have to feel bad about being with his kids without me and i don't have to feel bad about being with my family without him.
that's a big change in our relationship from before and i'm hoping it will keep us both from feeling resentment.
thank you both for your advice and thoughts. they help me a lot!
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Great to take care of yourself and to stop mothering H. Really, really good. It might be helpful to recognize that over-functioning is a symptom of co-dependency. Have you ever tried a group for co-dependents or al-anon or something? Consider, reminding H that you won't take care of his needs so that he will take care of his needs is pretty much as co-dependent as taking care of his needs in the first place :-)
He's a grown-up, let him be. He'll figure it out, not your job. (How nice :-) )
hey, oldtimer. glad i didn't run you off. i've read "codependant no more" and i got a lot out of it. i was too effected by my H's needs and happiness. now i'm trying to focus more on mine.
it's not easy. i have to tell myself many times to not do things that he should do for himself. he used to just have to mention something and i would get it, fix it, or call about it.
my H is a manager in his career. as such, he thinks people are pretty much his tools to get the things done he wants done. i used to allow that at home and with me.
our separation allowed me to do exactly what i wanted, when i wanted. now i hear his hints but i don't act on them. when he spots something he think needs attention and mentions it, i don't bite. i don't tell him i won't, i just don't do it. just because something is important to him doesn't mean it becomes my priority.
my life is my priority now. my happiness and contentment. i won't remind him that i won't take care of his needs but i will let him know, if he asks, if it's not what i want to do. i think he IS figuring it out. it can't be easy for him having things his way for so long...
thanks for dropping by. i appreciate your input.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
SS, thanks for keeping us up on how it's going. It's a nice reminder to everyone that it isn't all smooth-sailing even after the commitment to R.
I'm curious about some of your statements (on my thread), like that you don't think you'll be M'd forever, and that you're not sure you'll be able to fully trust him again. So, what then are you building your current R on? Do you just enjoy his company that much? Or is it the financial security? Just curious what offsets the comfort you had achieved on your own.
I think it's a little of both. We do have an old friendship we're trying to repair and he does offer me financial security. As long as I can be satisfied in my life with him, there's no reason to leave. Splitting up all our assets would be a nightmare.
I do find him trying to be thoughtful. For Valentine's day, he took one of my items I needed from a mate and made a whole project out of it and surprised me. I was very touched that he mentioned the item from the list.
I will be trying to keep some of the independence I gained during our S. If I can maintain a lot of that, I'll be content.
My greatest fear, though, is him cheating my son out of his inheritance from me. We have a living trust but who really monitors the accounts after one spouse is gone? My son was left out by his own father and will have to depend on his stepmother' s honesty. My H has shown my he can't be trusted with money. I don't know any other fix than to D near the end of my life should I get any advance notice? I would have been so much better if we had kept all our resources desperate.
Please, don't anyone who has not been in a step family, with adult step children, and my H, tell me I'm too concerned with money...
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
You bring up such an important topic. Your son's inheritance after you pass on. Would it be possible that you start by adding his name on to your account. and/Or make him your conservator when you're ready?
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
