After I talked to H & vented here my B called & we talked for about an hour. He has been D. His exW had an EA although he takes equal blame in the end of their M, so he can relate a bit to what I'm going through.
I ended up emailing H FOR ME. I wanted to apologize for the things that were brought up in our conversation last night. Although I've apologized for them before he obviously hasn't forgiven me for them.
I also offered "to be there for him" if he'd let me concerning his sister & her diagnosis w breast cancer. He won't let me, I know, but I just needed him to hear that from me.
I haven't even checked if he responded to my email (which he probably hasn't) b/c I sincerely sent it for me. I felt better. I don't need him to validate his acceptance or even his receiving the email.
I don't tell him about the boys' behaviors/sadness at night to "dump on him", rather he ASKED me to keep him informed of any new/different behaviors. BUT, I think I'm done doing that unless something extreme comes up.
You're right, PoN, I don't make him feel anything. He feels the guilt/blame b/c he deep down inside KNOWS that the behaviors that the boys are showing are at least in part (if not completely) due to his absence from our home.
labug, yes our boys' schedules are busy, but not any more busy than in comparison to all of their friends/our friends' kids. I feel great that they have the opportunity to experience lots of things that they will be glad to have done as they get older.
When you have 3 boys time 2 or 3 activities a week (& some are twice a week) that pretty much takes up every day. Add my C, their C, H's C, the gym, homework, etc & time does just seem to melt away. As long as they enjoy the activities and are keeping up w their schoolwork I see no reason not to let them continue.
H sees things differently. He is a jock, so for him sports is #1 for them. So, Im sure he would be glad to see them give up instrument lessons or boy scouts/cub scouts (S11 & S9).
It is all a balancing act, I know. Now I need to GAL ????? LOL!!! Why not throw that into the schedule too.
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
That's a lot to keep up with. I was more of a one outside activity per kid because I wanted to preserve my sanity and I think down time is important for everyone. I'm still that way, I need quiet time to recharge.
Everyone is different but there seems to be a need to feel every hour with something and wee lose focus on the important things.
Do you feel that you're overworked, overscheduled? Is this a valid complaint from H?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
My H says I am overscheduled. I really started to look at this. I like to have my days planned. Playgroups this day, instruct fitness class this day, yoga this day, craft hour, naps, game nights, dinner with these friends, such & such race this day. What...it's too much H?
I grew up in year round sports, danced until I was 16, was president of my class, then student council, sang in a select choir, did plays, had a part-time job, did AP classes all at a private school while carrying a 4.2 GPA and had many volunteer activites. H played football.
Yeah, to me, that's life. To him, how am I enjoying anything. There is a middle ground. Last weekend was scary. I only had saturday evening planned. And...I enjoyed it!! There is merit to my H's concerns. I don't want to busy myself right out of moments. I also dont want to just lay on the couch and watch TV. There is a middle ground and I'm finding it.
I would encourage you to look at that too. Just look. Get some alone time for you. You have NONE!
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Tallula, I do have time alone-every night after the boys go to bed from 9:30 on (and I don't usu. go to bed until midnight these days). I'm usually on here reading and sometimes posting.
GALs this weekend-Fri night I'm hoping to go out w a GF and Sat night I have my first meetup-indoor tennis and social afterwards. I am excited but a little nervous too.
Then Mon & Tues are school holidays & boys & I are going to pick out our kitty!
Feeling better today. ONly saw H for 1 min when he brought 2 younger boys home. Tomorrow will barely see him too. That is good for me right now. That's probably why I'm feeling better today.
Ran into a "mom friend" that knows about my sitch (long story WHY she knows) & I said I'd love to get together w her sometime soon to talk. She went through a D a year ago although she was the WAS, so I'd love to hear her perspective.
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
Ok, thanks for the kick, ruby! I know what you all meant...thought I could slide that by! I'm working on it.
I've been told gym time counts, and I go every other day (although for me it isn't social). It is for ME, though.
I hate that Vday is tomorrow, but I'm looking forward to showing my boys how much I love them (and then getting our kitty). Last Vday suxed too, so this shouldn't be any worse. (Our family went out to dinner together & H hadn't gotten me anything so he took me to a jewelry story, told me to pick out a bead for a bracelet I have then LEFT ME TO PICK IT OUT & PAY FOR IT. He was in a pi$$y mood all night. NO intimacy either. Now in retrospect it makes sense why--he was "newly" in love w OW.
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
Quick visit w H. He noticed I put "Me going out" on calendar Fri & Sat nite. He had issues w this..."both nights?" Where are you doing?"
I said, "GOing out w GF Friday night."
H- "What about Sat?" I said, "Just going out." He got very pi$$y and said,"So you're going to keep this a secret? I hate when you do this!"
I said," I'd be happy to tell you," but by then he was mad I didn't tell him right away. Don't know why he cares WHAT I'm doing. Said he didn't have to stay w boys both nights, as I'd be home in time to put them to bed. He said, "Fine." then left.
After he left I found out GAL tennis got cancelled.
I have a question that I'd like some thought about. H says he is "in love" w OW (for about a year now). They are in an EA. He says he will let me know if they start dating (which I think he will, but not 100% sure). I know if they start a PA he thinks we are done (he's said this at BD).
But, he moved out 3 1/2 months ago & communicates w her daily at work and at his apartment. She is D (I think it's final) but still living w eX as they are stuck until house is sold.
Question-- WHY hasn't this EA moved to dating or a PA??? (I know there IS a possibility it has & I don't know, but I don't think it has.) WTF are they waiting for??? After all they are in love, he moved out & she is D. Any thoughts???
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
I'm working on it.