It is funny the things that stick with you. Applying those concepts though is where the real work begins. But once you get there a whole new world opens up before you.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
My in-laws live in snow battered NY and I usually check in with them from time to time, but particularly when they have significant weather events. So today I called them up to see how they were doing and I had a nice conversation with my MIL. We talked about the weather and the snow of which they received 2.5 feet. We talked about the boys, what I've been up to, what they've been up to, etc. Then she asked me about how things were between W and I.
I was a bit taken aback since this is the first time she has asked that question since the Thanksgiving following BD. I told her that W and I get along well enough and that we do things together with the boys but beyond that there was really no movement. She went on to tell me that he and FIL rarely have any conversations with W. In fact, she said that they received 2, one sentence text messages from her in the past month. I could tell that she was perplexed and saddened by where we are at the moment.
I told her that I may be taking another assignment up in Maine soon and if possible, I'd try to stop by to see them. She was very happy to hear that and then went on to say that she hoped to see "all of us" soon. I said that I was sure that W and the kids would be out this summer but I wasn't sure if I'd be able to make the trip. She said well, we'll just hope for the best.
W's behavior is so baffling. I can understand to an extent wanting to cut things off with me. That is her choice. But to cut off virtually all communication from her family, is just plain bizarre.
Thoughts anyone?
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
W's behavior is so baffling. I can understand to an extent wanting to cut things off with me. That is her choice. But to cut off virtually all communication from her family, is just plain bizarre.
Thoughts anyone?
Wait you are asking if your wifes behavior is bizarre?
I guess my point was, she cut off her family around the same time as BD. I would have thought things would have changed on that front by now. Guess not.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
I guess my point was, she cut off her family around the same time as BD. I would have thought things would have changed on that front by now. Guess not.
My W did that too. She did not talk to anyone in her family about our sitch. Her sister was going through chemo and radiation treatments for cancer and I talked her her sister more than she did. It was many months before W started talking to her family again.
So 2, did she have a great R with them before? I don't talk to anyone in my family much and probably less since the S because I quit being a caretaker.
Your W's reasons may be very different but I wouldn't read a lot into it unless she went from spending lots of time with them to none at all.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Part of moving on is preparing a life for yourself. For me, that includes purchasing a bed. You would think that a simple purchase of a bed would come with no problems. But for me, nothing is easy! For some reason a wave of anger and resentment has swept over me today and I don't like how I'm feeling. Part of it has to do with the seeming finality of things, (one more step to truly dropping the rope). Which brings me to another matter.
My W and I are friends with this couple and their son who is about S11's age. We've know these people for 13 years or so. We've gone on numerous vacations together including Hawaii, The Grand Canyon, etc. They live about 100 miles north of us and so it is a commitment to make the trip to see each other. But we always made the effort.
After BD, W cut off all contact with these people and virtually everyone else. The boys and I were in the area January a year ago, and so we made a point of stopping by to say hello and have dinner together. I did not tell them about our sitch and so as far as I am aware they have no idea what has been going on. We were supposed to have gone on a cross country vacation together this past summer but things got in the way, including the consulting gig that popped up late in the summer and so nothing ever came of it. And, we've not been in contact in all that time.
But I've been feeling bad about what appears to be the loss of good family friends all because of my W's choices and my desire to keep family issues within the family. Yesterday, I see an email in my in-box from these friends titled, "checking in." I have not opened the email yet. I want to tell these friends what is going on and apologize for my/our obvious absence from their lives. But, I'm also reluctant to say anything because then it is one more person who knows about our sitch. But how can I acknowledge this email and then not disclose the reason for our loss of contact?
Over the course of our marriage, we have had several sets of friends with whom we have lost touch over the years. If I were to be honest, I'd have to say that the reason for this is primarily of my W's choosing. Her two best friends who were a big part of our lives when we were first married are pretty much gone. But I am the type of person who likes to keep friendships alive. My best childhood friend and best man at my wedding is still my friend. Another childhood friend is also still very close. And yet, who are my W's friends? She really doesn't have any.
And so.... here I am facing the stark reality of having to come to terms with the must have's in my life but don't, and the realization that in order for my own happiness, I need to truly move on. And yet, it pains me to think about my W, her lack of close friendships, cutting off her family and now cutting off the one person who is supposed to be her closest and best friend, me. I'm sad for her. What is she going to do when the boys are grown and they move on. Her parents will likely be gone by then as well. And then she will be completely alone. Is this really what she wants her life to be like?
Sigh!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
I would simply apologize that you've lost touch recently, but that your wife and you have "been having some marital challenges." and add "But however those end up, I'd like to retain our good friendship, including the kids," and add that you hope to get together soon.
I wouldn't offer any details as to why you've had marital problems, but I also wouldn't lie to them if they asked. They sound like pretty close friends.
