Now I'm trying to GAL, 180, and hope she changes her mind.
At the beginning of my sitch I was "hoping" my wife would change her mind. That was probably the natural reaction mindset for me at the beginning. I look at it very differently now and don't obsess about the outcome. Although reconcilation is what I ultimately want. Where I'm at now is realizing this is a long duration, I'll have a happy and fulfilling life regardless if we come back together or not, and W and I are completely starting over rebuilding our connections/relationship. If I focus on the outcome I might miss some positive steps forward. I believe I have experienced positive steps forward but they are small steps forward. This is a long journey of small steps and rebuilding for W and I. I have no expectations in the outcome.
Originally Posted By: LeftCoastLBH
I had been depressed and emotionally and physically absent for much of our marriage. We had a lot of external issues: money/jobs, sick/dying relatives, etc. No kids. She just had a major milestone birthday, so I think some of this may be MLC stuff.
You indicated you don't have much contact now so you do have time. Plenty of time to GAL. But also,time to think about how things are from your wife's perspective. Try to understand how things might have been from her view. She has probably said things to you that give an idea of her view. Be sympathetic and compassionate towards her view. But also understand your view of the relationship. On the limited occassions you do get together with her really listen to understand what she is saying. Pay attention. Don't think about what your response will be.
Originally Posted By: LeftCoastLBH
The funny thing is that I was planning on turning over a new leaf on the first, but I guess maybe it's too late?
You still can turn over a new leaf. More important than ever now. For yourself.
Originally Posted By: LeftCoastLBH
Anyway, I hope you guys can share some advice and encouragement. I'd do anything to get my wife back. How can the DB tactics work when you're already living in different locations and don't have kids to force the occasional contact?
The DB methods will work because you will be working on you. Making you a better you regardless of the outcome. Changing, improving, learning, growing for yourself. Your W will notice. Mine has, she has told me so. It just takes time.
How can the DB tactics work when you're already living in different locations and don't have kids to force the occasional contact?
I posted this on your thread over on "The Do A 180 Workshop" forum, but thought maybe I'd move it over here for you to consider:
The 180's that are meaningful and consistently applied will stick. And the rare occasion when you see or communicate with your spouse, it will be evident that some change has occurred. And the interest will grow. And that is how they work. But, remember the 180's are really for you and not your spouse. Do them because they are the right thing to do to make you a better person. The added benefit is if your spouse finds the changes appealing and believable.
Make sense?
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Separation and divorce in the age of Facebook is the worst. My wife has already reverted to her maiden name. I try not to snoop, but I still occasionally see her comment on a mutual friend's page. I know people say WAWs typically waver in their feelings, but I sure haven't seen any wavering from her.
Separation and divorce in the age of Facebook is the worst. My wife has already reverted to her maiden name. I try not to snoop, but I still occasionally see her comment on a mutual friend's page. I know people say WAWs typically waver in their feelings, but I sure haven't seen any wavering from her.
Looking forward to my gym session today.
I agree, lots of little things written/commented here and there can drive you crazy if you let your imagination runaway with you.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
It's been nearly five weeks since I've seen my wife. I haven't talked to her in several weeks, been nearly a week since we exchanged texts. She filed 9 days after the BD. She's changed her name already on her Internet accounts. She has dating profiles on websites. Now that I'm moved out of our old place, I have more time to dwell on things and regrets.
Today, her paralegal called to set up an appointment to talk about the settlement. We don't have many assets, so we're doing this without lawyers. In fact, she has very few assets that she brought to the marriage and is taking few with her on the way out. I guess that's how badly she wants me out of her life.
I didn't think the appointment to discuss the settlement would bother me as much as it does. It'll be the first time I see her since she walked out. I wonder if she'll notice all the weight I've dropped. I'm going to do my hardest to follow the DB principles and act as-if. It's just so damn hard. I never thought we would be at this point.
At one point, before I found DB and was trying to plead/reason/etc., she said this is the way she feels now and she doesn't know how she'll feel in a month or two months, but I really fear her resolve is growing stronger. In my state, it becomes final when you go before the court 6 months after the file, and I'm really dreading that date. So many other people here have been S for months and still haven't filed, but it feels like she is really rushing this through.
I've lost so much weight my wedding band fits again, so I've started wearing it again. I plan to wear it until that day the court says we are longer married. I wonder if she will notice and what she will think of it.
In all my time spent on this forum, I have not seen it suggested that wearing your wedding band is a good idea.
I am wearing it for myself. Do you mean it is a bad idea or just not likely to make a difference?
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I have also not seen it do anyone any good to worry about what their spouse thinks. It is a waste of time. The focus should be on you.
Well, the goal her is R, is it not? How can it not matter what my W thinks? I am trying to focus on myself in the respect of taking care of myself, improving myself, and such.
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If you have lost a lot of weight, then yes, who wouldn't notice. Again what does it matter?
You seem pretty fatalistic. I was just expressing my concerns and fears.
"eyes open" is further down the road than you are and he's just stating facts, as he has already experienced all of what he reads in your posts.
We see thousands of posts from H's who have said the same thing you are saying. It's been stated that a WAW speaks from "script" (or so it seems) b/c they say the same things! It's as if they are reading the same lines. But I have come to learn that the LBH'S do the very same thing!!! So, if we sound a bit short in a response, it is certainly not from a lack of concern, or even hope. I know I don't write the long post that I once did when I was knew here. Sometimes, one just wants to skip to the part that says, "here's what doesn't work, so forget doing it". We somehow hope it will save the LBS precious time.......and maybe even some pain....if that's possible.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
