Today after a lengthy conversation with my W about life in general and challenges we all face, I finally got up the courage after nearly a year and a half, to ask about the big "us". I had no expectations other than I needed to put this issue to bed one way or the other so that I can get on with my life.
First some background:
My W dropped the bomb back in September 2011. She said all the familiar things about being done, not being happy, never been happy, I'm the worst H, father, etc. She had a near nervous breakdown about a month later and I moved out. I later learned that she had been having an EA that turned physical after her bomb and to my knowledge ended months ago.
In late January she had a severe health crisis that nearly took her life. I helped nurse her back to health. Then around the April/May time frame, she ran a red light and t-boned another car. Again I was called upon to help her, which I did.
In the late summer she had a blow up with her elderly father while on a visit to see her family. She called me, very distraught and we talked through the problem and she was able to work things out with her father before it was too late. About that time I landed a consulting gig up in Maine and was pretty dim for about 3-4 months.
While I was away, my W turned 50 which is a huge milestone for most but especially for her. During weekend visits home from Maine, we'd often do things together as a family and when it was time for me to head on out, she would always give me a hug goodbye. Thanksgiving and Christmas were spent together as a family though no significant presents were exchanged. One thing that I thought at the time was HUGE was that she attended Christmas eve candlelight service with me and the boys. The previous year, she could barely bring herself to look at me.
Recently, she has been posting occasionally to my facebook page whenever she saw something she liked, (a photo, comment, etc.). A couple of weeks ago she sent me a text message about how well her most recent cardiologist check-up had gone. Apparently, she has recovered near 100% and we were both surprised considering her odds from a year ago. During the text exchange, I asked her about the other part of her heart, "emotional/relationship". Her response was, "getting better".
So now, back to the big "us"....
When I asked her about "us" her immediate response was that her feelings hadn't changed. I told her that I can't remain in limbo indefinitely. I told her that I had always been willing to do whatever it took to get our M back on track and that my biggest regret was having her get to a point where she felt she had to exit.
I told her that I want what is best for the boys and she agreed. She started crying. Said she is sorry for hurting me. I told her that for my heart to heal, I can no longer be the go to person in her life. That I will do whatever I need to do for the sake of the kids but it is time for me to move on. I can't see myself being in limbo for yet another Christmas.
I also told her that I really struggle with helping to get the house in a condition to sell. I said it felt like being handed a shovel and being told to dig my own grave. She nodded in understanding.
She said that if I wanted she would do the research on how to wrap things up as quickly and painlessly as possible.
And that was that. I told her I needed to leave and I'd see her later. After leaving, I felt emotions well up in me like during the time of the initial bomb, but it was fleeting. Sort of like I have some scar tissue on my heart and while it hurts, it doesn't hurt quite the same as before. That being said, all afternoon, Bonnie Raitt's "I can't make you love me" has been running to my head and it makes me very sad.
So anyway, this is where I'm at folks. I spent the past 17 months working on myself and trying to repair my relationship with my W. She had been sending signals that made me think perhaps she was willing to reconsider. But I guess it was a false alarm. The bottom line for me though is that I put up a good fight, made the effort and the sacrifice, but at the end of the day, it was too little, too late.
So onward I go, anxious to see what the tide will wash into my life in the months ahead. Time will tell.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
It is amazing you've help on as long as you have. I, too, feel like at some point I could be where you are. It's been 7 months since BD but a whole year since my H left our R emotionally (EA w OW).
I give you a lot of credit for asking the big "us" question of your W. BUt, you've done everything you could & you gave her all the time in the world to reconsider.
I'm glad you feel at peace about moving on. It is none-the-less still very hard! Good luck moving forward!
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
A few hours after I opened my new thread, my W sends me the following text:
"Buying tix for Warm Bodies at 7. Do u want to go?" I responded as follows: "No thanks. You go ahead and have fun with the boys." The previous night I was going to take the boys to see the same movie but W didn't want to go. The movie ended up being sold out so we saw something different. But now she wants to go see this after what transpired earlier in the afternoon?!?!?
Later she sent another text:
"Lving at 7:30 2morrw to take S14 to predator. Going to gym at 10. S11 wld like to go if A is going unless u want him to go to church with u." I replied, "He can do whatever he wants.". And her response was, "Ok. You wont have to hear from me anymore. I'll drop him off at Jason's around 4".
Why must I always be the bad guy in all this?
So today, I've been feeling pretty lousy. I didn't sleep well last night. I also woke up with a headache that has stuck with me all day. Surely things should be looking better, right?
Has anyone seen my mojo? I know I left it around here somewhere!!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
You helped the Us conversation perfectly and you seem committed to no longer living in limbo.
Your text response was completely normal and non adversarial. Of course she needs to look for reasons to justify her leaving and breaking up her family so she looks for the negative in everything.
I have been in a funk the past few days too. The only thing I can do is stay busy GALing, go to Alanon, read these threads and read other positive books.
For me I cant hang out with many people that are old friends because they tend to say the wrong thing. I need to stay positive and stay focused on my blessing in life.
YOu can do 2tp, look at how far you have come. You should be proud, your boys will day know what you were willing to do for them and their family. How you have been humbled but kept pressing forward. They are lucky to have such a strong and loving dad.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Somehow our S's always make us the bad guys. When I'd reply to H's text, in a friendly, but short manner, I'd be told "I'll never bother you again, since i'm obviously bothering you, I'll never contact you, it's obvious you don't want to talk to me", and so on.
No matter what you do, there's a chance your W could take it the wrong way. I wouldn't worry about it too much.
I've had my share of headaches recently. Hope yours goes away soon.
M36 XH34 M-5 T7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/13 D 6/18/13
Bonnie Raitt is right, and living with someone who does not love you the way you need to be loved is a little slice of personal hell.
She told you what you knew but didn't want to hear, so now she feels badly and wants relief from her guilt at the same time you need to grieve. Her overtures are about her seeing you okay with this so that she is not the bad guy. Unfortunately these gestures can give the LBS false hope.
If you want to give her relief act as if. If you need time to grieve, don't worry about it --these are her choices and you don't need to fix it for her. You do need to let her off the hook at this point and give up on temperature taking.
Don't wait to see what the tide washes in, paddle out in the big surf and take it! ke it
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Accuray great post. For some reason it was an aha for me - the part about how they want to relieve their guilt but instead it gives us false hope. I am sure I have read something similar but it really made sense this time
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
