SP, it's never just one thing, it's the build up of things over time. Who knows what the final nail is, none of us did with the original BD. That's why you felt suckerpunched, I would bet.
It doesn't really matter what it means to her, the more important thing is what it means to you. Our thoughts and words have power as the quote I posted says. And your W felt that power.
And I know you were venting but venting is often not helpful, because it doesn't help you work through the anger.
Now, think about the man you want to be. Does that man send angry texts to friends about his W's R with him and her D?
I don't think so.
Be the man you want to be and let W do what she needs to do.
2x4 warning! Stop being a victim.
((()))
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
============================================================== Spent some time with friends this weekend. had our first group campfire of the year.
I was able to get together with a buddy and spent an afternoon doing a hobby we both enjoy, daughter even got in on the action.
Sunday, went to a great Superbowl party at a friends house. During the party, about 10 of us made some initial plans for a vegas trip this coming March/April. I am looking forward to that, if finances allow.
The weekend turned out alright, given the shakey start on friday with the horrible text issue. Enjoying some time with friends and family, in some decent weather for a change, made me realize that things will definitely get better as time goes on. Just getting outside made me feel better. Summer cannot get here fast enough!
On a negative note, no contact from W. I guess that is to be expected, given my recent text. She did express how deeply it hurt her and she once again expressed her conviction to move on with her life and put the M behind her, not really what a H wants to hear.
I did do a lot of mind reading and speculating this weekend. I have found some new info that points towards an OM, but I'm not sure how involved that is at this time.
I went back through some old messages for the last few years, and I see that things have been so bad for so long that it would really take an act of God to turn this relationship around. I will keep DBing for me. That is the most important thing, but still the idea of her returning to the M is looking less and less likely. I know feelings can change and stranger things have happened, but I am pretty sure she is done DONE.
The main thing I am struggling with today is how and when I will be ready to drop the rope.
Daughter expressed some more emotion this weekend. Lastnight was tough for her. At bed time she was upset and crying, and didn't know why. I comforted her and asked what she was feeling, but she was not able to process her feelings or know the reasoning for them....It was a rough night for both of us.
No real interaction with my W, other than neccisary stuff regarding daughter or business. I am really sad that this text fiasco has set me back. Even my phone coach scolded me for my actions.
I have been thinking really hard, and I am beginning to realize that other than her anger towards me easing up slightly, there havent been any real changes in my W's attitude. I don't know how long I can hold on without "SOME SIGN", whether it be a good sign or bad. This, just waiting in limbo, is starting to get to me. I really can't think of any more GAL activities. I have been more socially active lately, than I have been in years. I am really doing a lot, but the second the activity ends, my mind wanders right back the the R. I know I should be more patient, because my life is actually moving forward a little without W, but it seems impossible to get passed the idea that she "may or may not" come back to the M. It is so frusurating!
Another thing I have been thinking about is contacting MIL to make peace. She was actively pushing for us to reconcile, then literally overnight took an offensive posture towards me. We had words, and I haven't spoken with her since. I don't want to leave the situation like this. We have always got along pretty well. Would it be okay, in regards to DB, to contact her and say that I am sorry that we had words and make ammends?
The following is a text that you DO NOT WANT to accidentally send to the wrong person.
OH &%$^#^&!!!! Dang that hurts!!! Freakin' texting! I did something similar although not as foot-in-mouth as that, I sent my brother this text:
"I'll send them from work, (S10) is sick so I'm home with him. Her pics are way hot!"
It was to my brother regarding pics a lady I went out with had sent me that I was going to forward to him. Then I got this reply:
"That's nice."
Except it was from W. DOH! What happened is I pulled up the text window to reply to my brother's text, but in the meantime W sent a text that I didn't notice, so I inadvertently typed the response to my brother in W's window instead. It wasn't anything horrible in my case, but man, I double and triple check text recipients before hitting "send" now. Sorry you got burned on that!!
I have been thinking really hard, and I am beginning to realize that other than her anger towards me easing up slightly, there havent been any real changes in my W's attitude. I don't know how long I can hold on without "SOME SIGN", whether it be a good sign or bad. This, just waiting in limbo, is starting to get to me. I really can't think of any more GAL activities. I have been more socially active lately, than I have been in years. I am really doing a lot, but the second the activity ends, my mind wanders right back the the R. I know I should be more patient, because my life is actually moving forward a little without W, but it seems impossible to get passed the idea that she "may or may not" come back to the M. It is so frusurating!
You are like I was at the beginning of my sitch. Obsessed with the outcome. You have got to let go of the outcome. The waiting in limbo is a long haul. You are just beginning. And if you take care of yourself you will think less of it as 'limbo'.
GAL activities should not be that hard. Maybe do a project at home like cleaning or painting a room. It gets your mind off of things and makes you feel good when you are done.
Here's the thing.......you are looking for changes in your W.
Mind reading? I hope it was your mind that you were reading. You see, what you said in that text, that you didn't mean to send your W, speaks rather loudly of your own attitude. And even if you have reason to feel like you do, she saw you as the same sucker punch who had made no changes after all. It just gave her more assurance why not to try any longer.
I don't want to sound as if I don't understand you wanting a "sign" from her, but if that's what has you hanging on, then I don't think you should hold your breath. Even if there is no OM, what has changed to entice her to give the M another chance? I'm not trying to point fingers at you as much as I'm trying to get you to realize that a WAW doesn't usually give signs that she's ready to stay in the M, at least not this quickly....and maybe not the signs you think. It may not seem quick for you, but for her and her process.
If my H had banked on seeing signs from me, he would have been in bad shape. Even when I made the decision to not leave my home, I had a really long road to travel before I gave off any positive signs. I was not happy about my choice to stay. Let me say that again. I was not happy over my choice to stay in the M. I made my decision based on what was right....and not what I felt. No feelings of happiness followed that decision! I had a lot of stuff to work through. I had to end contact with the OM. I had to go through hard grieving for at least four months, before I could even think about focusing on my R with H. I had a tremendous amount of anger, sadness, bitterness, and tons of resentment. I was not only physically ill, but emotionally empty. I had nothing.......NOTHING to give. The depression went on for two years with me struggling to get up every day and just get through it. I came to the board every day and night to stay alive, or so it seemed at the time.
I'm not fussing at you, on the contrary, I'm trying to help you see from this side of the fence. You continue to look at the wrong person in your stitch. You need to focus on you and how you can change "you". If you'll do that....then you won't fail at life, regardless of what your W does. Sadly, you are doing what so many people do.....and that is watch to see what the other person is or isn't doing. If you keep watching her and expecting her to give you a sign of hope of a future together, then you are headed for a hard fall.
Frankly, it kind of gets my blood pressure up when I read a statement like you've made b/c I know you still don't "get it". You still want her to do the work. You want her to do the changing. You think three months has been like an eternity? Let me tell you, if she came back to the M today, you would settle right back into old routines & bad habits. Why? Beside the fact you haven't changed enough? Because it hasn't been long enough. There have been other LBH's who were at this longer than you.....who swore they would never get in that shape again, if only they got another chance to show the W what a wonderful H they could be. Sad to say, but this board has seen several of those men return. Maybe women have too, but I can't remember any at the moment.
So my friend, if things are resolved too quickly, I'm afraid you would not appreciate the time and hard work that it takes to really change yourself into being the best you can be. Look how long you've been.....how shall I say.....not the best?
You wanted a sign, so, I'll hand one to you. The fact you can still hurt her is a sign. It doesn't mean she'll be willing to allow you to continue hurting her, but right now...you are still capable of saying words about her that cuts deeply. If the day ever comes that nothing you say affects her at all....then there is no hope. Heeeeeere's your sign.
Remember, it's not about whether or not you have "reason", but how you choose to act.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You are like I was at the beginning of my sitch. Obsessed with the outcome. You have got to let go of the outcome. The waiting in limbo is a long haul. You are just beginning. And if you take care of yourself you will think less of it as 'limbo'.
GAL activities should not be that hard. Maybe do a project at home like cleaning or painting a room. It gets your mind off of things and makes you feel good when you are done.
Adopt 'patience' as a mantra. It is a marathon.
Thanks, VG. I know deep down that it is a marathon. I am just so impatient to see some sort of change in her attitude. I read all of these sitchs where there is interaction, discusssions, even small signs of affection. My W is completely business, not an ounce of interaction unless it is regarding D. Furthermore, I am recieving a lot of flak from family and friends that want me to let go and move on. EVERYONE seems to be resentful of her actions. That makes things 100 times worse, not to mention the setback of this "text".
This is probabbly just a down time for me. I will snap back, stronger than ever. Thanks for the support!
Here's the thing.......you are looking for changes in your W.
Let me tell you, if she came back to the M today, you would settle right back into old routines & bad habits. Why? Beside the fact you haven't changed enough? Because it hasn't been long enough. There have been other LBH's who were at this longer than you.....who swore they would never get in that shape again, if only they got another chance to show the W what a wonderful H they could be. Sad to say, but this board has seen several of those men return. Maybe women have too, but I can't remember any at the moment.
So my friend, if things are resolved too quickly, I'm afraid you would not appreciate the time and hard work that it takes to really change yourself into being the best you can be. Look how long you've been.....how shall I say.....not the best?
Remember, it's not about whether or not you have "reason", but how you choose to act.
^^^^^THIS^^^^^^
I soooo badly want my M to work. So when H said he ended it with OW 3 weeks ago...I was terrified! Terrified we would end up in the exact same place. I SO needed to read this. We just started our S. For us, I believe the only way to move forward is to S. For both of us. But slowing down is so important, because I don't want to end up back here...with anyone!!! Oh, I hope everyone reads this. I will take a pic on my phone and read each time I get impatient and want to either END IT or HURRY UP AND GET BACK TOGETHER. Sandi you are great
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Suckerpunch, it is really hard to not look for signs however when you "think" you see signs, it is not much better. Confusion really starts to set in. I also look for signs but I know I shouldn't. My W still kisses me goodbye and we still occasionally ML yet she still acts and says she wants out. Talk about beating you up mentally. And try detaching with that going on. Don't get me wrong, I love the affection and love still being able to be with my W. I am sure others may envy my position even. But I don't feel like a lucky guy at all. I am still being told the same as many others in here by my W. It hurts terribly every time I see an action or hear something from her about leaving. So try not to put too much stock into seeing changes or hope. You may see things that you are hoping for which may actually mean anything at all to her. Not trying to be a downer, but just trying to give you another perspective. Good luck.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
Now, I will be the first to admit that I am not ready to jump back into our old M. I am sure things would quickly go sideways. We have many issues, on both sides, that we need to work out. I am willing to work slowly in it, stay separated, whatever, with the understanding that it may not work. This is pretty much the situation you are in tallula. You're both on board .I would LOVE to be in your sitch right now, or to just have my wife show ONE sign that she isn't 100% done. That is all I would need. Unfortunately, I am working on myself alone, all alone. I know, DBing is for "ME", and I am working hard towards being a better person. I really am. It just doesn't make it any easier when you know your S isn't putting in any work and shows no signs of returning.
It is just discouraging....today is discouraging. tomorrow WILL BE BETTER...I have to remind myself of that.
