almost 3 months....seems like eternity

[swoop]

Hmmm.....lots to think about and a TON to share right now.

First, regarding wifes finances. For the last 6 years, since D was born, my W has done in home childcare. She made a pretty tidy little income doing this, and it allowed her to be a SAHM and work as well. We shared all of our home expenses. Her childcare option ended right before BD, leaving her without work literally when we separated. She had been seaking work religously leading up to this point. She had a couple very disapointing interviews where she was not hired and she thought she was a shoe in. She was very discouraged by this. She did begin working a PT job at an insurance company where she makes 500 a month shortly after BD. She is working very hard towards becoming a license agent. She tests this month. I think that is a partial reason why she has been friendly and quiet in regards to the living situation. She knows if she stirred the divorce pot, I would ask her to leave.

Now, I do actually want to hurt her financially. Not because I want her life to be difficult, but mostly to give her a wakeup call of what is to come. She says she knows exactly what she is doing, but I honestly don't feel that she realizes how hard this will be financially on the both of us. With my business contributing greatly to our living situation, we have it pretty good. We live a very nice life, nice cars, beautiful home, fun working conditions, while not really making a large income. That will change for her immeidately after we split.

That is it in a nutshell. Ideally, I want to reconcile...more on that later , ugh , but I also don't want to be taken advantage of while my W is just waiting for the right time to drop the hammer on me with divorce. However, morally, I guess that is what I should do, give her support as much as I can.

Thanks for the input. If you have any more, I am all ears!

[swoop]

SP what do you want her to do?

I want to reconcile

Are you in a community property state? If you decide to do this are you going to give her half of your savings? Do you want her to suffer on the street? What is this teaching your daughter?

We are in a community property state. I have NO personal savings. All of my money is tied up in our business, which is a corporation. Technically, I don't think that allows my wife to be able to have any of it. The same goes for our home, it is owned by the business. I DO NOT want to have my wife or my daughter living on the street. However at the same time, I do not want to be supporting my "ex-wife" because she is not able or willing to do so herself. This was HER choice. She should have to live with the consequences. In regards to what it is teaching my daughter, I think it's horrible. I also think teaching my Daughter that you do not work on a marriage, you simply divorce and move on to the next relationship is pretty horrible too.

[swoop]

I love camping. What part of the country are you in?

We are located in the PNW. Absolutely beautiful here. I only wish I could show you pictures of how we are able to live our life. Like you hear a lot around here, "there are people that would kill to be in my W's position". It is a fantastic life, other than the marriage I guess...haha

[swoop]

Now, here is the FUN part....geez....suckerpunch stuck his foot in it again! I felt like I had been doing SOOOOO good lately.

Tonight was a daddy/daughter dance. I was feeling very overwhelmed trying to be super Dad, and albiet very angry about my M. The following is a text that you DO NOT WANT to accidentally send to the wrong person.


What an absolute POS. My worthless wife is off with her friends. She called and wanted to talk to (D), not to help her, not to pick out a dress or a corsage, not to do her hair, not to take a picture, nothing. Her first formal dance and her Mom calls in absent. What a b1tch! I didn't even answer.(D) is across the street so her babaysitter can curl her hair for me. Do you believe that sh!t?

I will give you a hint as to who I sent it to. It begins with a "W" and ends with "ife". Her phone call was to inform me she was home and willing to help with D. The correspondence that followed will be hard to get passed, I am sure. To simply put it, she was NOT impressed.

[labug]

, but I also don't want to be taken advantage of while my W is just waiting for the right time to drop the hammer on me with divorce. However, morally, I guess that is what I should do, give her support as much as I can.

How is she taking advantage of you if half of everything is hers? And she may be waiting until she's stable before leaving. I put that on my H also.

It's all mind-reading.

[labug]

Dude, you need to work on that anger because it seeps into everything, from you teaching your wife a lesson to your having what could have been an enjoyable time with your daughter.

I went back last night and read your early posts. You weren't a lot of fun to live with. It seems you've always had some anger inside. Why is that?

About the text, some people think there are no accidents.

Here's something I like to remember, it's helped me:

“Carefully watch your thoughts, for they become your words. Manage and watch your words, for they will become your actions. Consider and judge your actions, for they have become your habits. Acknowledge and watch your habits, for they shall become your values. Understand and embrace your values, for they become your destiny.”

[labug]

I do not want to be supporting my "ex-wife" because she is not able or willing to do so herself.

It seems that she always has "supported" herself. And has worked hard to get a job and is now advancing. Seems as tho she's more than willing and able.

Why are you suddenly so sure that she won't continue to do that?

[Tallula]

I think a huge part of detachment & DBing is to do so with love.

I get it! H and I decided for me to quit my job when we had kids. I take care of the home, make his lunches, etc. after he dropped the bomb on me, I was like sooo, you want me to be ok with you being kind to OW, sleeping with her, buying her a gift & being mean to me, sleeping on the couch and I still do everything for you? Kiss it!!! It was angry to say the least. I have missed out on raises, 401k contributiins, etc. But, my goal was to stay married, and also to not let the actions of others dictate what kind of person I will be. He's a cheater, I'm not going to run out and cheat. I'm not a Cheater. My personal integrity is important. I want to keep my side of the street clean.

It seems your main reason for wanted to stop "supporting" her, is to "get her to see!". She is trying to find a job. It is hard after being out of the workforce, I know!! It's the main reason I kept working very part time, and accepted a 2 day a week position last year. In my situation, I set my boundaries because I couldn't live that way. It has nothing to do with what it will show my husband. I mean, granted, he will get to see what life is like without us now that we are separated, but that had nothing to do with my decision. My family & friends keep focusing on that "oh, now he'll see!!". Maybe, maybe not. Not the point for me. I couldn't move forward in our R like he was trying to do with him doing the things he was doing.

If your goal is R, you really need to look at why this is bothering you. I think ladybug is right, and you are just angry & maybe your ego is taking a hit. Trust me, I get it! Just cutting her off won't show her any kindness. It's not like she's sitting over there living it up not trying to find work.

[swoop]

Thank you.

You are both absolutely right. I do not know why I am harboring so much anger towrds her. Well, I do. It angers me that she had made this decision that will effect my life, and my daughters whole world, for the rest of our lives. She is leaving a wake of destruction behind her and letting her burning bridges light her path to "happiness". It makes me angry that I am now in charge of an entire families stability and support, while she is running off to start her "new life", simply because she doesn't want to work on the old one. It makes me angry that she "wants to be friends", but only on her terms. It makes me angry that out of the blue, lastnight my D said to me that she was sorry that Santa Clause didn't bring me a present or anything for my stocking. I don't know about other people, but those things really make me angry. I do not know how to change that. I would like to change it. How do I start?

What do I do at this point? Do I aplogize and give my reasoning for the text? Do I just let it be? Do I simply apologize and say nothing more?

Again, I feel that my whole wish to reconcile was once again crushed. Given the circumstances surrounding our separation, and granted all the of the harmful things I have done, it would take an act of God to turn her feelings around at this point.

[2chiquitos]

ok wow! what a text. I have been very very very guilty of sending out angry texts! 7mos after separation, H confessed that he got anxiety before looking at my texts. I had stopped sending him those msgs but he was so affected by them.

There are a few things to learn from this experience since ignoring it and just moving on won't help you recuperate, right?
1-your actions are normal.
2-you need to look at the anger as a mask. What is it covering up? Pain? Fear? Allow yourself to feel depressed or sad or hurt. Once you are true to yourself you can begin to truly heal.
3-apologize or as MWD says, back pedal, FAST! This text is not a dealbreaker but right your wrongs. Be the bigger person.

However when you apologize communicate where you are manipulating. Don't make her feel guilty or make yourself out to be a victim. I am still learning how to do this. EVERY F- DAY!

Good luck to you!