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oops sorry, that last post got away from me smile. she Accused ME of writing a comment on an old retired blog webpage of hers that said she was a husband stealer. I did NOT do this. H believed me. She was very upset and told H to tell me that HER H was the most wonderful man in the world, and she would never try to steal my H. She unfriended him and demanded that he never contact her again. Huh? I think she did this herself...I don't know. I don't get it, but H is sad that he lost his friend, it was fun and "safe" as he said, things were light and fun. Did I mention that H has NO friends at all? I feel strangely sad that he lost his one friend, even though he betrayed ME...I do not trust anything he says, I sometimes wonder why on earth I would want to be with someone so dishonest, but then I know that our family, our boys are worth it, and H has lost his way somehow. He is not remorseful for the emotional affair. it's like he feels entitled to it.

he just got a new job...and says when he begins the new job, if he isn't "happier" he will leave. I said if he doesn't take an active part then he might as well leave. nothing can be accomplished in 6 weeks...which is the approximate timeframe we are talking about. I dont' even know which stance to take.

When we have a great time together, he says he gets sad...and thinks about the boys....should I keep up living a happy family life? how can I detach and make sure we are still together as a family.

Just now he kissed me goodnight and went to bed. I told him to be true to himself--don't kiss me or anything if he doesn't even like me...don't buy gifts for my birthday or christmas...but he does it. trying not to read into it too much...but I do get hopeful. We are very harmonious. sorry to ramble. Just thinking out loud.

Thanks again, you know it means SO much.

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quick question...in becoming detached does that mean I don't do favors for H and things I would normally do? for instance this morning H was annoyed that he couldn't find his protein powder to make a shake after going to the gym. He swore he had bought a new can recently. The normal me would take note and buy him another can. Part of me thinks now--well go get your own can then...and do your own laundry and make your own dinner while you're at it. Those last two things would be very out of character for our relationship, and noticeable to the kids. I know he would thank me for the favor--"thank you for doing that, it was thoughtful of you" but it wouldn't change anything. Same sort of thing--"I'm going downstairs--Can I get you a drink?" He is still doing these little favors for me.

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Detaching seems dishonest. Though he is struggling with his decision to stay or leave, you would never guess by looking at us that we were anything but happy. We have fun with the kids, we laugh and share stuff, kiss hello goodbye goodnight--go to therapy--it's not all sunshine and roses, but we are working at...something....right now he says his goal is to build trust and become honest with me. I said because I don't trust him our realtionship is built on sand. Therapist said that with his honesty we could build trust and a foundation of granite. H liked the sound of that and has said he intends to do that. Whether the foundation will be to build a strong marriage, friendship or coparenting relationship on---well that remains to be seen...but he is committed to that. If he was out the door he would have no real reason to be friendly when the kids weren't around, or agree to go out with me (to a bat mitzvah, a cocktail party, birthday parties--he could easily make excuses or simply refuse to go--instead he says, "sure that sounds fun")

not sure if 180s or detaching would work. I truly have a life. Went out to dinner last night with a girlfriend and H called twice in three hours to say "hi", wonder where I was when I'd be home...

not sure if I should maintain a happy household....or be absent...detached. Not sure where we really are---H has not committed to staying--yet he stays...

I truly am confused!! and if I ask for clarification from H--he says he is just as confused!!

hellllppppp. wink

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anyone?

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"right now he says his goal is to build trust and become honest with me."

This is the biggest point. Did you have a specific question?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Thanks for responding..yes I do have a question.

I know the ball is in H's court whether he decides to stay or go.

I don't know if I should "detach" or keep on with building a happy, harmonious family life that includes him.

His goal to build trust and be honest doesn't mean he will stay. He says it will be necessary to have a healthy relationship with me so that we can coparent in a positive manner if he leaves.

So keeping in mind that he may leave, I don't know if detaching and giving him space to think serves me better if I want to save the marriage.

Or if acting "as if" we already have a happy marriage is better.

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Aside from you wanting to stay married, what are YOUR wants and needs? In what ways have you changed? And I don't mean you saying "I'm more trustworthy, etc.". What measurable changes have you done to yourself? Have you looked different or done anything to improve certain things that he might have had an issue with?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Hi TigWinkle,

Your story bore some similarities to my sitch. I will spare you all the details, but I believe that your H was more in love with this OW than he is letting on. As a result, he's going to go through a phase of mourning that lost love, and that phase will likely be very difficult for you.

After he works through that, he may turn back to the marriage, he may turn to another OW, and he may decide to be alone. In my own experience, if you can "act as if", and appreciate if he will "act as if", then don't worry too much about his motivations. Don't worry if he is doing things "out of obligation" even though it hurts. How we feel often follows how we act, so if he starts "acting married", he may start feeling married again, although it may take a year or more to get there. In the meantime, he'll likely say mean or angry things, he'll make you feel like he doesn't care, and in general may do or say things that would make you feel unworthy. It's your choice as to whether or not you want to ride that out. You can get back to a better place, but not without a lot of pain and more time than you would think would be required.

"Detaching" is not about excluding him, or cutting him out of your life, or not doing favors for him. Detaching means that your emotions and self-worth are not driven by his reaction to you. If you are truly detached, then when he is mean to you, you feel sorry for him but it has no impact on how you feel about yourself. Detaching is about getting in touch with your inner strength and your self-worth, and using that to guide your emotions instead of a reflected sense of self based on how your spouse treats you.

I'm sorry you're going through this, it's going to take a long time to get back to good. What have you identified about yourself or your own behaviors that you intend to improve? What 180's are you most proud of, or do you intend to be most proud of?

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
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Originally Posted By: TigWinkle
Detaching seems dishonest.


It sounds like you don't quite understand detachment, it's not an either/ or choice (IE, you make it sound like your choice is either a happy family or detachment). As Accuray described, it's about disassociating yourself from your H's roller coaster ride. Here's something Peanut posted some time ago that describes it so well that I find it easier to just keep reposting it rather than try and put it in my own words:

Quote:
II. Detachment

Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done.

Our ego gets wounded and we are more inclined to those actions that will undermine our very best chances of accomplishing our goals.

We cannot control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.

If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.

On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.

It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."


Quote:
right now he says his goal is to build trust and become honest with me. I said because I don't trust him our realtionship is built on sand.


He said he's trying to BUILD trust. It takes time. Are you unwilling to work at it? Do you not think you can ever trust him again? Because if you think that, then there's not much hope for your M.

Quote:
not sure if 180s or detaching would work. I truly have a life. Went out to dinner last night with a girlfriend and H called twice in three hours to say "hi", wonder where I was when I'd be home...


Sounds to me like it IS working. The idea of GAL is you feel better about yourself, and at the same time you create some mystery in the R. "Where is she? What is she doing? Am I going to lose her? Is she not just going to sit at home waiting for me? What's going on here, I thought I controlled everything?" These are the thoughts you want bouncing around in his head. As long as he thinks you are a safe alternative in case his main plans fall through, he'll never invest in saving the M.

Quote:
not sure if I should maintain a happy household....or be absent...detached.


See above, detachment is NOT being absent and it is mutually exclusive from maintaining a happy household.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Thanks for your responses and insight. Accuray...I have done so much work on myself consistency and without fail since late August when H said he was unhappy with several things. I even began many of these things before H said he was unhappy, on my own when my mom died and I realized life is too short to be grumpy and resentful that someone else wasn't making me happy. Decided to make myself happy.

The main things I have done are

--I don't bring my emotions (anger, crying, yelling) to discussions. I talk in a neutral, thoughtful way after thinking about what I am going to say for several hours or days. I keep things to the point and listen hard to what he is saying. I acknowledge when he is right or has a point.

--I don't expect or ask him to do anything around the house. I take care of all of the shopping, cooking, laundry, cleaning, bill paying--everything. Things got off kilter when my mother was dying and I never picked up the slack.

--I take interest in his work, his hobbies and ask a lot of questions about his day. He has responded to this by bringing home things from work to illustrate to me what he is doing. It's pretty interesting. He demonstrates what he learned in his guitar class or martial arts class.

--I thank him for things and appreciate him verbally much more.

If your description of detaching is correct, then I am detached. I feel so much compassion for him and his struggles right now, and I know that whatever he has done has nothing to do with me. His lying, sneaking around, not having any friends, is not my fault, it was his choice. I feel horrible that he is so much pain, but other than support him in his journey, his pain is nothing that I can fix.

I think you are right that I don't quite understand detachment so I thank you for that description.

I think it is possible that he "misses" her. They never met, but shared a comraderie and friendship that he does not have in real life--no friends at all--and I even feel bad for him for not having that in his life. How weird is that? I wouldn't say that he "loves" her. I have seen their phone activity, no call longer than 5 mins. I believe it was light and fun with little depth, but I still believe it was deeply important to H.

I believe that I am an amazing person. H also says this--he says I am a wonderful friend, a generous person, an amazing mother--I have been lazy in my friendship with him at best, and dismissive, rude, grumpy and mean at worst. Careless. I am sure he hasn't felt special in my eyes for a long time.

Since August (and even before) I have turned all of this around. I know there is a long way to go, but the sense of self-worth that I get from being in tune with him is worth it to me personally. I have bad days when I am sad, but I don't change my behavior towards him. No silent treatment, glaring looks or stomping around. Just peaceful cheerfulness and respect. I have come a long way.

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