i get that - i try to, sometimes i pick up because i feel like a rat just letting him sit there like a jerk (which he is btw) leaving messages. i would like very very much to be totally and utterly ruthless in this sitch
i am not (sadly). i do manage sometimes tho toignore it. this morning he called a few times- left a couple messages (he never usually does that unless he's steeped in guilt) cripes!!
anyway- ignored that- ignored a few e-mails (can always say i wasn't on line anyway).
today- in particular - for some reason i am just at some wierd point of not wanting to let him off any hooks.
he does what he does - and it makes me feel what i feel.
if he's entitled - so am i. what the heck i do with it all - or about it all- yikes...who knows.
anyway- thanks for weighing in- i'll take any kind of info or input from anyone.
i hate seeing us all here- but i'm sure glad everyone else is out there understanding me.
oh hey- there's our girl - i love the tie to tree with tape for target practice mental picture. can see him squirming & asking for mercy (i'm soooo reasonable - not any more buddy boy).
that's what kind of a mood i'm in. not mary popins at all.
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But, now wouldn't you think it's a very crucial point of my life were the " who" helps me pick up, joins me in my new adventure, becomes the person I begin to admire.
i'm thinking you mean mate? so far- i'm not there- friends are v good tho - i'd say i have 7-8 aquaintences that dig me up now or then (3 more than others) , but if i were desperate- i could go knock on the door and get a cup of tea and a chat. i'll take it. one gal has a book club- i keep forgetting to find out and go - she invited me once. i can get pretty shameless- sometimes i just call someone out of the blue if i'm desperate & know it. any port in a storm.
oh yeah- what the heck about our litehouses - lites out?
i'm telling you- the waves are bashing the rocks today- the house is rocking- will it go down- we don't know... we feel it wobble - but it's been standing soooooo long. will it weather this storm???? stay tuned - story at 11
you're rite - i've got some friends up here- he mostly knows them - slightly- but they're definitely my friends. he never wanted to ever have anyone over and he never visited- til he retired and all hell broke loose. wtf??
sometimes I hang with a couple couples, the husband is nice as well as wife. been together forever- so, i'm not bustin in on the love n3st. they have senses of humor- we have a glass of wine- swap stories - talk gardens, life, etc. - it's very nice. my circle widens little by little. no men really- but that is fine with me=-
i've decided i'm definitely gun shy and not in the mood for that sort of complicatin in life (much as i'd love a companion and some fun) so far- i haven't even met or known anyone that i find attractive - so it's not an issue really.
i do tend to believe now- lots of hidden mine fields with men. maybe i'll get less suspicious.
duck & cover...... run like the wind little feather....
anyway you are back to fighting fit today and i'm glad of it. you will definitely collect people as you go along- even my dopey week at the office reminded me how many people are out there and how much everyone enjoys getting to know someone new- even at the office - people are people and most seem nice.
i like people pretty much and find them easy to meet usually. you will like it- no matter what you end up doing - it will snow ball.
the bit about them being my life without h - it's true. when he's been gone 3 weeks - i'm finding myself not thinking about his good points. i merely think (he wants to be there not here with me) move on and really, dismiss him. he's not part of my life here mostly and one of these days (i fear) i won't want hm to be. he will "alone" himself rite out of a place in this house, this life, this heart, etc.
he thinks everything in life is easy breezy and come and go and he'll always be able to do and have every singlt thing he wants. it's true (wierd but true). i've said before- he's never had anyone close die so i don't think he gets "forever" thing. or the "you could die tomorrow" thing. we really could.
i may not be the kind of guy that will always keep an open mind- who knows. he's takin big chances with this.
anyway- he probably doesn't even care about that. your note perked me up- i think we are approaching bottom ( floor - girdles, panties, socks, going up....)
maybe we will begin moving up and out of the fog & tunnel of our own- one can only hope. i need to get serious and quit saying one more trip to fla to see the babies and find a stinking job- serious life - commitment to it- etc.
i went for walk - dropped something off for my neice (14) & sister- stopped at mom's to get my "duty" out of the way- wrote a few checks & she said thanks (?) . woo hoo
now to clean this "hole" so i can stand it and move without something fall ing over in this awful work room.
The lite isn't out it will always be on but it's for reconciliation and the pouring of his heart for the sake of sharing these kids, grand kids, and closure. It's not for me as his wife! He could never live up to my needs, nor is he the graveling type, at all.
I love having company...h hated it as well unless it was friends of kids, kids are all he's ever been able to relate to. Now I have no friends...so new ones will only know me as separated.
My life is going to move forward pretty fast with these kids as they are getting older, and bringing new people into my life. I already had to have dinner with two of the gf's families, so I have to represent my family as stable. My d19 is about to accept a new bf very soon and he has a very active family already talking about inviting her to the Keys.
So I am mother, representing my family with a father in the background known as the broken one who nobody will meet but figures has to be a good person based on the five of us being such a good group.
He has no clue what he's giving up, miss out on, the whole nine yards worth of word to express what he's missing. But, I can't care and have to learn to be the head of this wonderful family. At least they're adults and can be relied upon, somewhat!
Your sitch is different but the end is the same, you, your friends ,your dreams, he's gone, you have to move forward because your not going to die for him.
I'm having the picnic in front of my castle with my back to it not caring that h may be looking out the window wondering....want some wine anyone?
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
But, now wouldn't you think it's a very crucial point of my life were the " who" helps me pick up, joins me in my new adventure, becomes the person I begin to admire
You are talking about the person in the mirror here, correct?
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
love having company...h hated it as well unless it was friends of kids, kids are all he's ever been able to relate to. Now I have no friends...so new ones will only know me as separated.
geez - me too. he was great with my neices and kids too. wtf is that all about???
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I'm having the picnic in front of my castle with my back to it not caring that h may be looking out the window wondering....want some wine anyone?
yup - big glass please. i don't think he's coming to my picnic either- too stupid to find the window much less look out , much less wonder what's going on.
he even talked to my mothr this morning- who called him by accident and said he was "chatty" and tht was unusual. yeah- guilt mom. didn't say it- do not need that aggro.
i haven't talked to him today. he got home last nite- "oh honey wunnie - did oo have a nice trippie pooh??/did oo have wots of funnie bunnie? with oo special cowie wowie/ "
sill having my "go die" attitude. hoping for calmness this p.m. good luck there huh?
your family sounds wonderful and you are sure right about what he's missing in life. the best thing that there could be - the connection - the kids, the future - THE FUTURE. OH WELL- NOTHIN worse than a dope that doesn't want to be helped and can only wallow. i shouldn't say that- it's his sickness i'm sure. wish i could blame something on a sickness-
you're sounding okay tho- this is being shoved down your throat - but you're not choking on it. you're spitting it rite back out- yay
I guess when you say home you mean NJ? You have been quite active lately posting your thoughts, is that because H was on his way and it makes you crazy?
I can't imagine having my H gone for so long to just come home and invade my peace. I hate when he comes home from work , I wish he would just evaporate , or disintegrate some how. We really have to face being powerless during this.
I find my H arrogant and self serving, yuck I really dislike him. Today the doc told me s21 has an -8 power prescription and H put his head down saying, ohh is there anything we can do? Shut up idiot, you hate us! I know, I know, you don't have to tell me he's spewing! I just don't care!
I hope your having a better day, take it one day at a time!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
so are you and t sq scratching your heads and wondering where in the heck my brain is at???
i'm not too with it lately. of course- the gal in the mirror is the only one we have. it is doable- but it's lonely and brings out my insecurities - i'd say childhood and not being "special" to anyone- just one of the herd. it was nice to be someone's big fat ole major something.
just wannabe something big to someone
he says he's just enjoying "being alone" - i used to too, but then i didn't screw around, and "knew" i had someone special in my life out there. i guess maybe he assumes that's me and i'll always be here. (maybe he doesn't give a darn). BUT - he's also got ow and runs to his cellphone & epmail 90 times a day to profess his undying love & "flirt". wtf
I CAN'T figure out where your thread is - and i can't figure out if i said this yesterday to you either. it was a emotional cyclone of a day- this mom-sick, sisters making me nuts - demands of nurses, etc.
Anyway- please excuse my nutty note - if i sent it somewhere. Anyway-
you got me thinking totally about this deep childhood baggage stuff. i always thought he was a person in control of self and had his childhood traumas sorted thru a bit. that is who he told me he was - i believed him always. boy was i wrong.
i stil wonder about it all tho - quite alot- because i think of the things that happened in all of ourlives - tragedies, unfairnesses, and how we all grow up- butch up- and get on with it. how shabby to use it as a reason to hurt people who love you//????
THEN i admit maybe stuff he has had in his brain hs whole life can affect him. then i think how the heck does it HAVE TO translate into cheaTING. obviously i am still unable to get all the peices lined up properly.
i have been thinking it over tho- i can see the personal tragedies in his little life and how they'd strike a kid. i can understand that.
anyway- i always come back to personal responsibility for actions - and decency and being an adult - so forth. it always seems to come down to him making conscious decisions to do what he's doing - complete with decimating me (whether he wants to admit it or not) and lying to keep me around. i've asked over the years when things were icky- believe me- it's hard as hell to ask when you think you might hear something you do not want to.
for him to lie in the face of my courage to ask- to jack me around and keep me hanging in there- that is what i cannot fathom. it's rather shameless. i do not know why i get stuck on this bit - that he should have cut me out of his life the minute he realized he was going to be cheating in earnest - (i can understand flirtation) i cannot understand wanting to keep around someone you were blamig and criticizing and making their life hell - FOR WHAT. WHAT could he possibly have gained by it other than more expense & aggravation having to lie and hide it- and what has it done to me?
even tho i essentially think i'm a good enough person in life -
i hate to admit the breadth and depth of the effect it's had - just a crumbling and chipping away - at my, well, i don't know- my ego i guess, my heart, my ability to trust anyone - like a crumbling little sand castle - just bit by bit. it seems very ratty to do to someone you didn't even like- how do they do it to someone they loved. (that being said - same deal ith my mother. i get it she's mad to be old & all the problems tht go with it- but being mean and critical and saying rotten things to the one person that's bvothering to be around her- WHAT THE???)
I am beginning to wonder how i manage to send out the message to people that i'm not worthy of honesty or courtesy.
obviously i'm sending out something here - i do not want to change and be like my sister that says one has to "draw blood" for people to perk up and listen - i hate people like that. obviously everyone around me feels similar- it's a war zone here. what the heck is up with that and why do some people feel that because they had this or that hardship or setback- someone else should PAY and be TO BLAME.
how can they think they are the only ones to ever feel pain? i mean really - grow up - use your brain - everyone of us is the same and needs the same things. well, so i think...
i wanna be understanding and liberal - but why do they get to shirk responsibility for their actions
just ranting around - so sorry , but it bugs me- i go round and round chasing my tail. i'm sure you've noticed - my particular insanity - overthinking.
today, I just decided - that unlike my usual "self" - i'm just going to say a few positive things i've noticed - for better or worse - since I am always here ranting and raving and needing someone out there to "talk me down". today i'm trying to be positive and keep reinforcing it in my brain this morning- just re-read mlc portion of book - and then a few letters at the end. i'm trying a big new approach...
uh hem: (this is not to say i've got any notion i may "win" with this dbing - but who knows - ya gotta be in it to win it - rite?
i am less in a fog and more able to hold my pma -
I can laugh more and be my old self without (sometimes) feeling like my old self is who HE IS REJECTING - shove off that thought and just think - tough luck- this is who i am.
I actually find lately I enjoy painting, planning a project, and all the things i used to enjoyed alot- (pre-mlc) . it's little - but it's there and FEELING LIKE doing something for a change is great.
h is less critical on the whole - less ready & wanting to have a fight - less inspecting every word out of my mouth so he can find some fault with it - in general in life.
he's more pleasant to be around.
every now or then he actually manages to say a compliment instead of ONLY delivering the bad news. I sense he's trying to be more positive - i appreciate the "trying" part.
h continues to fly up here every few weeks. i usually cannot fathom why- but he does it...???... i usually dread it- but also feel like it's some kind of "support system" with my mom & life in general - whose crazy here - we don't know. i guess i'm seeing it as positive on his part
i just typed something not positive - and erased it. i'm working on stopping being such a misery guts and letting you all off the hook sometimes.
i'm feeling sometimes like i'm sick of hearing myself talk & stopping - i'm definitely TALKING AOBUT THIS crappola to my freinds less and less - letting them off hook too. i'm having some mercy i guess and seeing myself as a bit whiney- so i'm thinking regaining control of my ego and butching up a bit here?
it's not allllll about me in life - is it? i've got alot of those folks around me and i'm feeling like i need to stop even possibly being one of them. (we hate that - don't we)
it's all small stuff- but if i'm honest - i notice it and it's better than a year ago. i didn't pick up phone for five whole days- i didn't call and i didn't suffer - that's huge for me. I managed to stay uncommunicative til i was done being - whatever, insulted, angry, fill in the blank. (woo ho)
okay- i guess that's it- i hope it's just not laziness and getting used to this wierd life- i still don't think i want THIS forever - i feel less panic in the nite to make a decision RITE NOW- and squirming under my own pressure and expectations.
i think i'm a more patient person- i hope so- okay- i'm outta here.
i have a long long way to go with this i think, and i don't know how i'll make out in the end. today- i'm going tokeep a good thought and try and feel happ7y to see h -
it's 9 degrees - last nite it was 14 degrees and when we walked my left eyeball top eyelashes kept getting a snowball forming that made the street lites glare up my eye- and i had to crunch it off three times. first time ever - wierd & interesting huh?
xxoo thank you everyone for your continued support and listening to my *(usually) repetitive and negative rants- love ya all for caring & bothering.
(((( )))) (aren't i sickening when i'm not miserable & ranting?) sigh - - hard to get it rite isn't it?
