My W and I went to our weekly ballroom dance venue this week and danced most of the dsnces. She's eased up on her not practicing mindset. I think the trick is to get her out of the house and to a dance studio where there's structure and connection. Private practicing at home suits more my style, and isn't rewarding for her. It's like giving a dog a pill inside of a treat.
Our dance networking efforts have paid off. We made New Year's Eve plans to attend our regular ballroom venue. My W was proactive and asked a lady if we could join her table. We didn't think anything of it, but a week later, the lady approached us to let us know we were invited to join them. My W is very excited to be connected, and has been buzzing about it all weekend.. The lady and her spouse and another couple recently went on a dance cruise. My W is going to eventually ask them if we could join them for the cruise.
I feel like I'm on a ship, sailing away from the troubled times of several years ago. I can still see the land in the distance, but it's getting smaller. I think joining the dance studio three years ago was a turning point. It's been our own version of couple's therapy. Dancing has allowed us to reconnect and increase connection as a couple, and be in the world as a couple.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
My W and I went to our weekly dance venue's New Year's Eve party. My W was proactive in getting us to sit at a table with other couples. I'm hoping that connection will continue to increase between my W and I and the other couples, during the year. We learned that other couples at the studio and in the dance community go on cruises together. My W and I want to take a break from vacationing only together. We'll likely join one of these cruises during this year. My W shared that we would like to join their table each week. They seemed surprised that we even had to ask.
This weekend my W's cooking job ends. I'm looking forward to having our Sundays free for ourselves. I've started attending a discussion group at church. I think it will be good for my W to not have her sister as her employer. I also think it will free my W to explore job opportunities that suit her better. She has a PT accounting job for now.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
It was a difficult night at the dance venue. My W and I joined our studio at a dance venue that features a high energy type of music, that is more suited to my W. I went with the best of intentions. I danced with my W several times, but apparently it wasn't enough.
My W began telling a story of how about 7 or 8 years ago, she went to a Salsa convention, with another guy and was his roommate. I did allow this to happen at the time. It seemed and probably was platonic. It was wrong. He may not have known we were married. As my W was telling this story, people are looking puzzled and uncomfortable. They were looking at me to do or say something. Fortunately, the music was loud, so only a few people could hear her talking. I spoke in a stern yet respectful voice, and told my W to either change the topic or leave (she was getting ready to go smoke). She stuck her tongue out at me and left. I was embarrassed, which affected the rest of my evening.
Afterwards, she told me to never speak like that again to her. I told her that she shouldn't be telling that story. She didn't see the problem, and thought the story was innocent. I feel good about the way I handled the situation. I was able to stay for the rest of the evening, and make the best of it, even though I wasn't validated by her.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
The evening at the nightclub didn't turn out as I had hoped. I was hoping being in a group setting would take care of my W's needs. This particular nightclub isn't my favorite place--hard, pulsing, fast-paced music. She was upset with me that I didn't dance two dances in a row at the beginning. I sat it out, because the song was so fast. She left the room in a huff. I tried to make it up to her, and she seemed to be relaxing into the evening, but then told the story, I suspect to be passive-aggressive. I had no choice, but to set limits with her.
She was angry with me afterwards, and didn't validate my concerns about sharing an inappropriate story. I'll listen for solutions. We've been ballroom dancing mostly, and she misses Salsa dancing. We need to go Salsa dancing more often. Her new job of six weeks isn't working out--a verbally abusive boss. She'll likely leave the position over the next several months.
She began taking Ritalin about a month ago, which she tells me helps her to concentrate during the day at her job. She takes it on the weekends, when she needs to concentrate, for something like cleaning. She does seem easier to live with. Ritalin lasts for 4-6 hours, so she still has her moments, when the medication isn't in her system, or she hasn't taken it.
I think to some extent the conflict is unresolvable, as it has to do with our different personalities. The best we can do is compromise where we spend our time. I think she created expectations of the evening in her mind, without telling me. When I didn't meet them, she punished me, which only made things worse, as I went into waiting for the evening to end, which I found out later infuriated her.
I think today is going to be rough. We have a private lesson at 3PM and were planning on a ballroom dance in the evening. I'll play it by ear, and see what potential there is for partnership. Maybe she could attend the lesson by herself, and we can skip the ballroom venue tonight. Thank goodness I have church and my own connection tomorrow.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
There was potential for partnership yesterday. I decided I wasn't going to let the bad evening the night before keep me unbalanced. We went to our bi-weekly private dance lesson. She let me know that too much focus has been on me. She finally spoke up. We splilt the lesson--half is hers, half is my agenda. It worked great. The best lesson we've ever had.
the success of the day carried into the evening. I think dancing is my W's spiritual practice. She gets centered thru movement. It's important that we we have dance activities on a regular basis. Dance activities are a foundation for Piecing for us, and a way to get back on track, when problems get one or both of us unbalanced.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
" I tried to make it up to her, and she seemed to be relaxing into the evening, but then told the story, I suspect to be passive-aggressive. I had no choice, but to set limits with her."
I think boundaries would work better in a situation like this. Her behavior is not for you to dictate. She's not a child.
In a boundary, you state what you need and what you will do:
"That story makes me uncomfortable and embarrassed. If you tell it again, I will walk out of the room."
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
In a boundary, you state what you need and what you will do:
"That story makes me uncomfortable and embarrassed. If you tell it again, I will walk out of the room."
I was thinking quickly on my feet with people looking at me, waiting for me to respond to my W. I agree, that the consequences should have been how I would respond, not telling her what to do. "Please stop telling this story, or else I will take a break from the group and leave." I allowed myself to be unbalanced. It was an overcompensation.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
My W has been after me to get a tuxedo for some time. I've procrastinated on it for too long, and finally decided to be proactive over the weekend. I found a tuxedo rental store close by, who was having a sale on tuxedos. I went and got fitted and bought one for less than $200. My W wants me to get one for certain semi-formal dance occasions. I'm looking forward to wearing it. We'll see how it impacts the R.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
