trying to save my marriage Phase 2

[ForMyHusband]

I understand the "180s" are for me. They are to help me stand on my own two feet and be a better person with our without him.

How do I balance the 180s for ME but also "do the opposite" of what I did in my relationship?

Does that make sense?

[Lampstand]

I'm in the same boat--I was cold and distant in the M and I'm concerned that going dark and distancing will push him away. I tend to think a push/pull approach may work better. Since I'm the one that asked for the separation and told him to leave it's doubtful that he will ask to come back. That's not his personality. I think he will admit to wanting to reconcile only after I bring it up.

We've been apart for a month. I've contacted 4 times through email and IM. He's been very receptive but didn't initiate. He told me he is hurting. He also made it known that he is working on his spiritual life (my big complaint that made him leave).

Still trying to figure out how to work on me.

[ForMyHusband]

I know, its very confusing
I know I have to let go, but I miss him and love him so much. But I'm losing hope more and more every day. He is still very very angry at me, said his life is miserable and I'm to blame for everything. But hey, at least its not "indifference".
He hasn't had a chance to miss me yet...maybe he will maybe he won't. But I know I need to 180 for myself and for our D. But I also don't want to push him further away.
Is there an OW in your sitch that you know of?

[ForMyHusband]

I shouldn't have hope anymore but I still do.
H has now retained a lawyer and is wanting to finalize our division of assets and custody agreement for D. He said he "just wants this settled"
I'm at a loss as to what to do. I really don't want to give up. I'm making solid progress on my own issues and D is happy and adjusted to the situation. I've backslided on the 180s and NC and have written H a few "pleading" emails, asking for a second chance.
D and I are still in our family home and will be til at least end of June. I just don't see how I can give up hope until then. I've asked him to at least try to make our M work until then. I know that is wrong and against DB-ing but I'm at a loss as to what to do. I don't think 6 months is too much to ask for after 15 years and a child together. I keep thinking that my words will reach him, eventually.

[labug]

All that is pressure and only serves to make him press back.

Stop the resistance, live your life, keep working on yourself and let him worry about the D.

I'm not sure what "giving up" means to you. Can you explain?

[ForMyHusband]

I know its pressure when I send him emails but I just want him to know I still care for him and love him regardless of all the crap going on. In a way, I feel like I am making up for not showing him in the past that I did love him. I want him to know he has the option and chance to save our family and future, to try and help him see the negative things that can happen that he obviously cannot see. I know, its stupid of me but its how my brain is working right now.

I don't know what giving up means either. I guess it means getting angry, letting go, to stop caring about hurting him and moving forward into a new relationship and allow another man into D's life. Right now I'm scared to fight what I feel is rightfully mine in the division of our assets and home and what I feel is in the best interest of D. Because if I fight against him for what I think it is right, I'm afraid it will ruin any chance that he will want to come home.

[labug]

The first paragraph is all about what you want, not what he wants. You've told him all those things, I'm sure he gets it, now let him go.

And the second paragraph-jeesh, you went from undying love for H to a new R in 1 sentence. Slow down.

You need to figure you out before you decide a new R will fix things.

Right now I'm scared to fight what I feel is rightfully mine in the division of our assets and home and what I feel is in the best interest of D. Because if I fight against him for what I think it is right, I'm afraid it will ruin any chance that he will want to come home.
This is not DBing, this is game playing. Do you have a L? If so he/she should be able to make sure you get what is fair.

[ForMyHusband]

No, I don't want any new relationship, but I have to eventually not keep giving him my heart. Right now its his and his alone, always has been. I guess I just don't think I can "officially" move on until it is no longer his as that is what he did. He's willing to let OW into D's life and I'm not willing to do that but know unless he comes back, that will happen and I don't want that to happen.

I do have a L but what H is proposing is not fair but I think I should just give in because its what he wants and I won't pi@@ him off by fighting him.

I don't know how to "let go" and just focus soley on me. I have been doing good I think, I'm working through my self esteem issues and taking care of myself and D, she's doing really well and adjusting well, but he's always on my mind, and trying to "fix this" is always on my mind.

[labug]

I do have a L but what H is proposing is not fair but I think I should just give in because its what he wants and I won't pi@@ him off by fighting him.

And what if he doesn't come back, will you be OK with this then?

[ForMyHusband]

No I won't be ok with it, which is why its so confusing.

Do I just accept that he is gone for good? Is that how to let go?