WH, I don't see looking ahead as a worrying trait in this case. That's a very healthy way to look at things, really. Just try not to fantasize about it too much yet
Believe me when I tell you, before it's over, you'll be very glad to either move or have him move. I can tell you, I didn't move. It was very hard to work through the "ghosts" in the house. I didn't move because a)I'm not the one that wanted out and b) my kids needed the house for their stability and I knew she couldn't keep it. I almost sold it though. I'm very glad I did not, but I won't lie, it was tough for a long time to come home to that house. It contributed to wanting to "run away" from it all. Funny thing is, my ex and her new husband live three blocks away. She left (2x), forced me to put it on the market, and then is angry at me for her not having it. But I stand by my decision 100%. My kids needed that part of their lives to be stable.
But once I got over that, I really do like the house much better. As much as you can like a house that big when it's just you and a cat. I actually had a friend and his family move in as well. That helped and worked out very well. It was a good reminder that no matter how things are in my own life, I always have enough to help others and I always should give what I can. It's part of who I am.
My guess is, for monetary reasons, you'll be the one to leave. But I think it'll be a great thing for you and your kids. It'll be a fresh start. And it'll make it easier to get past the emotional trauma he is trying to inflict without worrying he'll put sardines in the drapes or something silly on his way out
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Thanks AJ. Yes I will be the one to move out because I can't afford this house and even if I could I really don't want the maintenance on this place.
H did not like the changes my attorney and I made to the parenting agreement so he decided to terminate mediation. Well here it goes. Let the games begin I guess.
S told me H is taking the kids out of town this weekend tovistat his mom and family. I am sure this is his "revenge" for me taking the kids to visit my family. Whatever. Nice for him to tell me his plans. I have to hear about it through the kids.
Yes and he went to the grocery store tonight with D. He bought more fish sticks, toaster waffles and cereal. Chocolate Lucky Charms to be specific. Yuk! So much for buying fruit and veggies. But that's why I'm here.
Met friends for drinks tonight. It was nice to get out. I guess I need to make plans to fill my weekend. I'll come up with something. I'm resourceful like that.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
H did not like the changes my attorney and I made to the parenting agreement so he decided to terminate mediation. Well here it goes. Let the games begin I guess.
S told me H is taking the kids out of town this weekend tovistat his mom and family. I am sure this is his "revenge" for me taking the kids to visit my family. Whatever. Nice for him to tell me his plans. I have to hear about it through the kids.
Can I just tell you something? It's not over until it's over. My ex dragged it out for over a year. I made her be the one to write the sep agreement and file for divorce. Although I was very ready to file by the time that year waiting was over. What I learned, or rather re-learned about negotiations is that it is never over until it's over. She fought for the strangest things until the very end. Then suddenly stopped and acquiesced. I gave on a few things and added a few for my and the kids protection, but for the most part let her run the whole thing.
As for the visit? Revenge? Or just trying to keep up with you?
As for him telling you? He's going to antagonize you as much as he can. Try to be flexible enough to protect the kids in that regard. Don't let them get in the middle and he'll tire out. You can't see everything, but watch for that. Many will try to use the kids as a type of pawn to lash out at their spouse. I suspect your H will and I'm suggesting that you position things in such a way that he can't do it effectively. Know what I mean?
Once that's taken care of, the rest is easy. It really is. It's not pleasant, but the only real concern here is the kids at this point. And you of course. Don't forget that as well because you will be tempted to walk away with less to just get away. That time will come. And that is exactly what his lawyer wants from you. To give up and leave things that are rightfully yours on the table.
You lessen your bargaining power if you cave in. The first one to cave loses that leverage. That's negotiating. But as long as you don't cave in and don't lose focus on the kids well-being, you'll be better than alright. He doesn't have the ability to be as patient. He is under too much pressure. More pressure than you are, if you can believe that He is bargaining from a weak position and his ONLY hope of getting what he "wants" (not what he deserves by law) is to pressure you as much as possible.
You're not the type to run though. I can see that. So buckle up, be patient, and make the best of it. It'll all work out later and you'll be glad you did it that way. You would otherwise have the rest of your life to regret walking away early, or so I've been told. I believe that...
Enjoy the time out and the peace that comes with it! Rest when you can
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Thanks AJ. No, I'm not the type to just walk away. I'm a fighter. There have been moments when I thought I can't do this anymore I just want to run away. But I back up, regroup, cry, scream, talk and work through it. I do come out stronger and more tenatious if that's even possible!
And you're right, it's not for revenge, it's to "keep up". So now I need to think of better things to do for my kids. Healthier food is one thing I am focusing on for sure. Lol!
H asked me if I would do D's hair for her dance class tomorrow and I said I would love to. H also picked up some diet pepsi for me while I was at the store. Okay, I wonder what he wants?
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
wishing, AJ has given you excellent advice. Your h is really trying to keep up w/you. In a way, you should be flattered that he's actually trying to match you step by step because it tells me that you are an excellent mother.
As for his grocery shopping, at least he's doing some shopping. The food might not be what you would put on the table every day, but at least he's not taking them to fast food places all of the time. You can counter balance that w/your healthy foods, which I know you do.
I've seen far too many mlc spouses attempt to wear the lbs down just to get what they want. They will pull every trick out of the hat and try it on you. You are a fighter and he knows that he's got to come up w/a lot of tricks to get one over on you. He's beginning to see that you are in for the long haul because you aren't allowing him to see you sweat.
I'm glad he asked you to fix your D's hair. That's a step in the right direction. As for picking up the diet pepsi, it may have been his way of thanking you for saying you'd do her hair. Mlcers have a terrible time expressing appreciation, so they revert back to bartering from their childhood. They don't know how to express the one true emotion of kindness to us when they are in mlc and bartering tends to help them bridge the gap w/us at times.
Enjoy your weekend!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yes H was really nice today. He watched me do D's hair so he knew how to do it in the future. It's not rocket science but we will see how he does in two weeks when it's his turn again.
He bought the Diet Pepsi before I came home last night and before he asked me to do her hair. So I don't know why he is softening me up? Not gonna spend too much time thinking about it.
H and the kids are gone now. I miss the kids already. They will be back tomorrow but I hate being away from them. I need to let go but it's hard. I even helped H pack for D. I am trying to encourage them going off with dad and not focus on how much I miss them. So gonna finish my laundry then head to the store and pick up a craft. Maybe change a few lightbulbs, buy some wine, then head to divorce care. I gotta keep moving. If I sit around I will just start to feel sorry for myself.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
Wishing, Try to enjoy your time this weekend. I know it's difficult when the children are gone, but they'll be back before you know it.
Hopefully they will have had a nice time w/their father. I'm sure they will tell you all about it upon their return.
Enjoy your free time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
D had dance practice then home to pack for the trip with daddy. They left late afternoon. After they left I took the initiative to finish and put away laundry and change a few light bulbs. Two in the ceiling fan so yay me!! Lol!
Did some shopping and before I knew it it was an hour from my divorce care class. Busted butt to get home put away the groceries that I could and scrambled off to class. We all had dinner afterward and I came home and started working on a necklace for my mom. I started getting frustrated when it did not go my way and before I knew it was two hours later. I'm beat!
Tomorrow try to finish the necklace and maybe make a bracelet or earrings to match. I need to get some blood work done my doctor ordered so maybe go into the lab tomorrow. Do some reading too.
Man I miss those kids. House feels so empty. Dog does not know what to do! Lol.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
Just finished the necklace and one earring. Had to start over with the necklace because the clasp wasn't secure and the blessed thing spilled beads all over the floor. I wasn't too happy with it anyway so I figure that's God's way of telling me I can do better. I'm exhausted now but trying to unwind with a glass if wine.
Looking forward to a good nights sleep!
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
