Wishing, my mantra I say all the time... "So glad I'm not him!"
When I'm having a particularly bad day, I also think, I'd rather be hurt than hurt someone else. We may have our own hurt and pain to work through, but at least we have a clear conscience.
They make such a mess of their lives, I can't even begin to imagine that clean up!
Hang in there, don't let Mr. Pizza Rolls drag you down with him.
You are the stronger person, don't ever forget it
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
Distance yourself from it. Let some things drop to the ground. In cases where it involves the children coming to you, don't back down. He'll have to get over it. Proximity is important - your kids will come to you if you are around. You'll go to them if you are around.
He'll have to get over it. You're their mom and that's how life is.
Remember this. He wants to find SOMETHING to be angry about. He is looking for that damning piece of evidence where he can say, "AHA!" and have the cops come and throw you out of his life so he is no longer made miserable by the monster he married.
What he doesn't yet understand, and may never, is that you aren't a monster. You are a kind, loving, wife and mother. In the absence of being able to be a wife, you will have more energy to put towards being a mother. To boot, the kids will also get a more attentive dad (for however long). Lucky kids! There will be some chafing, but if you ask me having a mother to attend to her kids is a high-class problem to have. My kids didn't have that for many years
If he is going to hate you and be angry at you, the very least that will come out of your behavior is respect for you and your parenting. He won't say it now, but he knows it.
Do what a mom needs to do and let him deal with himself. I know it will make him think he has a chance to pick a fight with you, but I suggest when he talks down to you in front of your kids, that you calmly, and firmly let him know that is inappropriate. And walk away. Your kids need to see that and they need to see it without a big conflict on your part.
To an outsider he'll appear as he is - a flipped out nut when you do that. Let him deal with that.
Some things will fall to the ground while he learns to juggle everything. He is capable if not far behind the curve and whacked out emotionally and mentally. But he is capable. Let him. It'll take some getting used to and he'll try to assert boundaries of some sort, but as I mentioned above, you need to be firm and calm and consistent (kind of like with a child, right?) when you let him know it's inappropriate. Then immediately walk away. It'll take a few times, but it let's him know you aren't to be messed with, it shows your kids you are an adult and gracious (and smell nice), sets a good example for your kids for their future relationships, and it gives him an opportunity to look elsewhere.
Helps if you smile as you walk away.
I described my time doing that as being like raising a third teenager. It was tiring, but it can and needs to be done.
Long after everything stops being like this, he'll remember and respect you for it. Oh, he won't tell you that, but he'll know. More importantly, and this is critical, your kids will know and will have a good example of how to deal with people that treat them poorly. They learn things from their parents and you have the gift of being able to show them. Take advantage of it before any more time goes by. And don't let his anger and craziness be an excuse to not parent your kids. I never let mine, although I would listen to her input (and there was a time we could discuss things) and I'm incredibly glad and thankful I never did.
There was actually a time early on, where I realized it was a choice I had to make. Before she was overt. I knew I had to stick to choices with the kids for the kids sake. It is a tough position at first, but later you realize what a blessing it truly is that the sane parent was able to teach their kids even if the teaching example was the other parent
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Wow AJ. That's a lot to process. I'm just keeping the smile on my face and letting him do his thing.
I'm exhausted! This is hard. I've never done anything this hard in my life. It's gonna be a long weekend. He's just gonna be ugly because he cant run off to OW.
Oh and tonight's dinner was smoked sausage and corn on the cob. Little bit better huh?
Oh and dirty dishes are sitting in soapy greasy water in the sink. Who is gonna wash them? Not me!!! Lol!!
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
So H's night to put the kids to bed. I make sure S takes a shower because he had soccer practice tonight. I make sure he brushes his teeth. Am I rescuing? I don't think so I am parenting and there is a difference.
D comes into my room after H has put her to bed because she is scared. Notice she does not go to H she comes to me and wants to be with me. H didn't even know she got out of bed!!! So I am snuggling with her in her bed so she can get some sleep.
That's what parents do.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
Hopefully the three days will be peaceful for you and your children.
I hope that you are able to get some much needed peace and quiet soon.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You are sooo awesome. Do something for you this weekend. Just keep your side of the street clean. You can do this! You have so far and you don't have to be perfect. I always try to remember that my worst day with the kids is sometimes still way better than a good day with H. Easy does it.
Much Love,
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I'm exhausted! This is hard. I've never done anything this hard in my life. It's gonna be a long weekend. He's just gonna be ugly because he cant run off to OW.
Um.. yeah. You've never been married to somebody this long, trusted them so deeply, or been hurt so much and then vilified? Married to somebody who suddenly wants to get you out of your house, treat you like a monster, and bring in the next shiny object because they are not happy with their life? Sheesh. What's wrong with you, girl?
It is hard. It is tiring. It is you that holds the key to that. You can choose to stop paying such close attention. There are consequences, but you can see how tiring it will be, right?
Relax. Breathe. Step back, and see the bigger picture as much as you can.
It gets better. Giddy on some days, but that's just the relief creeping in and the sanity on the way out
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I hate this "his day my day" stuff. I feel like less than a mother when I can't do things with my kids or take them whenever I want. I am not used to it because H has never been around.
After talking to the attorney i discover one of the reasons my attorney did not want me to sign the mediation papers is that his attorney was using that as a strategy for getting out of the house. I asked how that was possible and my attorney told me the use the argument that the parties have already agreed on placement for when they live apart why can't that start now? My attorney is so wise. No wonder he is so expensive. Lol!
I have been purusing the web looking for places for me after this is over. It is scary thinking about moving. See I am not worried about living on my own once I get there it's the physical task of moving web setting up shop so to speak. I guess I should change my mindset to look forward to it as something I will have complete control over right? I can't paint walls any color I want. I can put furniture anywhere I want. I can put a nail in any wall anywhere I want. Pinch me I'm dreaming! Lol!
I should take one moment at a time. But I often fast forward into the future. It's the worrier in me. What? Me worry?
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
