trying to save my marriage Phase 2

[MrBond]

"- I do do those type of things somewhat. Tell him his shirt looks nice on him, I ask for his advice on things. I think I can do better tho."

Then do it.

"I bought a new rib sauce recipe, ribs are his favourite. Could I ask him to help me make them?"

No. Show him that you are doing it and don't need his help. You have to start showing him some independence like the OW.

"I just know he is coming around 6pm tonight, should I email him and ask him if he would like to have supper?"

No. Just be in the middle of cooking and if he wants to join in, he can. You can ask him to taste it while you're cooking.

"But spending time with HIM was important to me and those things always interfered."

Why? You could have participated in them with him then you would have both been happy. See that's what he has with the OW.

"- I try to just go about mine and D's daily routine. But I worry about looking like a "gatekeeper" or that I'm interfereing with his parenting time."

Don't worry about all of this. You're there, it's your home, you don't do anything out of the ordinary. When you leave it's like you're forcing them to be together. You said that he was more comfortable doing things together, then do it. While he's there and playing with your D, why not take a photo of them doing it? Then you can send it to him later.

What this situation has done is made you second-guess everything. Just be yourself with the DB plan in mind.

[MrBond]

Don't forget to make yourself look great and you're on your way.

[ForMyHusband]

No. Show him that you are doing it and don't need his help. You have to start showing him some independence like the OW.
- I do show independance, I think. I don't ask him for help but I do ask for advice. How else would I show indepedence? I don't go out a lot now because I have our daughter full time and I don't hang around the people I hung around before because I consider them "toxic" friends. And to be honest, my daughter is my number one priority.

And I'm not sure OW is independent. I have a friend who knows her and she seems very needy and is always looking for reassurance. So I'm not sure.

So he came, hung out and then left. It wasn't a bad visit, I was polite and we had some good conversations. I complimented him on his jacket and his job and listened with care as he was telling me about how screwed up things were.

But then a new turn of events this morning. D told me this morning she asked him last night and he told her "probably not". I didn't know she asked him this, she told me this morning and She was very sad this morning. So I called him and asked him what he wanted to do and that I felt D needed more structure. It was a very good conversation, only about D. In the end, we agreed that he would come here for supper tuesday nights and to start, he would take D to his mothers house every second saturday night for a sleepover. He does not want to introduce D to OW for at least a year. So as much as he's not been involved with D since the start of this, I can't keep watching our D have her hopes up and then crushed whenever he comes here.

[sweetbabyred]

OW is most likely very needy and jealous. She's dating a married man, so she needs constant reassurance that he won't leave her for someone else. And she is trying to prove to him that she's better than you.

You, on the other hand, do not need to compete with OW. You just need to GAL and become the best person you can be, for yourself. Think about what your H liked about you when you met, and if you still like those things about you, go back to becoming more of that person.

You may want to check out the articles on the hero's spouse website. The author calls the OW the "alienator" and talks about how she's constantly worried that the man will leave her, so she will act very needy. She was probably like that before or she wouldn't be willing to even date a man who is still married.

I re-read the articles last night and felt a lot better about my sitch. I may not save my M, but I can understand why my H is with a girl who can't hold a candle to me.

[ForMyHusband]

Thanks for the info. What is the website you are referring to?

When he told me he didn't want to introduce OW to D for a year I asked him "so you think she is in your life for good". He said he didn't know, right now they were getting along fine and everything was "great". I felt like a knife went through my heart

[sweetbabyred]

I don't think I can post a link, but just google "the hero's spouse" and you'll find the links.

The site also mentions that spouses will often realize that the OW isn't right for them, but they don't want to fail at another relationship and it's easier to stay in that one than to try again with the S, at least at that moment.

Even though my H has told me that she's using him, he keeps taking her back and has told me that he wants to "give her a chance" and try to make it work.

I don't remember in your sitch how long your H has been with OW, but usually it's all fun and games. They don't have to worry about bills, chores, or any grown up stuff. They don't have kids together and she doesn't worry about him spending too much money because it's not her money.

[ForMyHusband]

Ok thanks, I will google.
He's been with her for at least 5 months now, not really sure when the EA started. He says they get along great so I don't think he thinks its not going to work.
He's been living with her for 2 months now. He doesn't pay rent there because he still has to pay for all the household bills at our home. He told me he feels bad for that and buys his own groceries. He said he is working on the weekends to do so.
It sounds like they have a very "simple" relationship and he always said he wants a simple life.
Very scary to me.

[ForMyHusband]

I don't want to give up on him

[sweetbabyred]

As hard as it is, you have to try to forget about H and what he's doing right now. Even if he and OW break up, it doesn't mean that he'll be ready to work on things with you. If he is in MLC, it could take him quite awhile to work on his issues.

That's not saying that you're giving up on him, just that you realize that you can't fix him and have to concentrate on yourself and your child.

The website I told you about has quite a bit of info on MLC and about how long and painful it can be.

You need to be the best person and mom that you can be. That's the whole point of DBing. And if you and H get back together, then that's a great bonus, but you can't control that, at least not right now.

[notsurewhat2do]

WOW - For my husband, lots of great advice here. I'm googling the website mentioned here also.

I started a new thread on newcomers for myself "Huge Mistake, What do I do now?" I thought I was doing so good, but I made a huge fatal mistake, talking about OW. I am so hurt by this (not the failing of our marriage, but just the lost trust) that I have said a consistant message about our situation and it's hurtful to H. He called me on it and I honestly can say after days of self reflection ... he was right to call me on it. So, I'm afraid that I've messed anything that might have been left of mine and H's relationship.

My H threw at me that his and OW's relationship started out as "just chatting on the phone" and he doesn't see it as an EA. I did call him on that, saying when you text someone that much, it's an affair, regardless of it being physical or not. AND the fact they are living together ... safe a bedroom ... it is now a full blow affair - although didn't say that. I just keep telling him YOU ARE LIVING WITH ANOTHER WOMAN and YOU ARE STILL MARRIED. Does that not mean anything?

FMH, I am glad you are trying have set a schedule. I think it will help DD. My DD asked me this weekend if it would make me sad if she has a room at H's house. That is what has all these feeling stirred up in me. She went to his new house and told me about it, I acted interested, but didn't ask a lot of questions other than asking if she met OW. I also told her it does make me sad, but the only reason I told H she couldn't be around OW was because what H is doing is wrong. He is married and living with someone that is not his wife. It is just wrong. Morally wrong. Period. I feel like my daughter is going to be jaded because of this situation anyways, but I don't want her to 1)ever be the OW in a situation and 2)don't want her to think it's okay because her Dad did it. I am so scared as to what DD will do in her own married life.

For those reading this post (since obiviously mine was too long for anyone to respond) Are FMH and I wrong to try and hold on to our marriages? I'm riding the fence on filing. I don't want H to think I'm okay with it because I'm not, but I don't want to hold onto something when its obivious that there is nothing we can do? And is it EVER okay to tell WAS that the door is always open? I want H to know that I could forgive him in time, if I knew he was sincere about wanting to reconcile. But how do you let WAS know that?