Boy oh boy is H mad. I don't know what he is mad about, but he's mad.
He woke up this morning and hopped in the shower. He was slamming and throwing stuff around. When he finished he smacked off the lights and went to get D ready for school. She was fussy and tired so she didn't want to get ready for school and she was argumentative. When she came out of her room she looked sad and I waved to her and H gave me a dirty look. When he took her downstairs for breakfast I gave her hugs and kisses and H snapped at me and told me she needed to eat breakfast. I said I can give my little girl hugs and kisses whenever I want. He said we need to get going. Apparently he was running late and it was all my fault.
I finished getting ready and H was rushing around trying to make breakfast for them. I gave her another kiss and hug and snuggle and again H said I wish you would stop coddling her and let her eat. I said she is eating (she was) so she is fine. Well, she needs to finish because we need to go. I helped S find his glasses and put the dog in his kennel in the basement. S looked really sad too. I went back upstairs and H was still stomping around and trying to rush D. I came by D to give her another kiss on the head and H stops and says how much perfume did you put on this morning. I can taste it! I almost LOL'd because I never wear perfume but decided to this morning. I said I put one small spray on. He said well, it's obnoxious. So much for kind and considerate. I said I'm sorry you feel that way and lilted off. It's funny because H BATHES in his cologne and I hardly ever wear it.
He tried to rush D out the door, but I said she is giving mommy and hug and kiss before she goes. He was mad because he was running late, but that isn't my problem. I was talking to S before he went out to the car and he told me he was upset with Dad because dad just flipped on the light to his room and said "get up" and walked out. No good morning, no hi son, nothing. I said I was sorry he had that experience but on "dad's days" I can't interfere so he needs to talk to his father about it.
H also never cleaned up his mess from dinner last night so dirty pans and food were left out all night. I could have cleaned up, I guess, but I didn't feel like it. I was tired. So he was angry this morning that there was a mess and I didn't take care of it. So hire a maid.
S has a band concert tonight and H's sister (who he is on the outs with) is coming down to watch it. This is gonna get interesting.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
OMG! Poor baby had a hair up his @ss this morning, didn't he?
It's not your fault he didn't get up earlier and it sure isn't your responsibility to clean up the dishes after he made the mess last night. You are not the maid! The man has got a lot to learn and I think the fantasy of being Disney Dad is starting to wear off. LOL!
Wishing, if you can stand it, leave the dishes and see how long it takes for him to say something.
As for the perfume, mist away! He was just looking for something to lash out at you about. What an @ss.
Enjoy the rest of your day! You've got to find the humor in this situation!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Oh I am, Snodderly. It isn't my fault he is behind schedule. It isn't my fault he can't manage time. It isn't my fault he dilly-dallied in the shower.
Oh, I am not cleaning up anything. That's his joy to take care of. In fact, D needed a new binder for school and H told me that he thought he had one. I went down in our library to look for one and found one he used back in 2004. He took the papers out of it and I moved all her stuff into the new binder. I asked him if he needed those papers and he said he would go through them and keep the tabs. This morning the papers were still on the counter. He says I thought you were going to take care of those papers? I said no. Those are your papers and I don't know where you want them. You can put them away. Of course that made him mad as well. : )
It's rich how he can be snarky and verbally abusive to me but turns it around to make it out that I am the one causing the tension.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
U r something girl! Man did u handle that ick well! Seriously, that morning stuff was incredibly inspiring. Despite his toddler behavior and horrible tension, u still managed to b the adult And b there for ur kids. I know how hard that is, especially considering the last week! WOW.
Think abt the example he set for the kids vs u. They are watching an awesome mom handle a very difficult sitch with maturity. Now take a bubble bath-
Much love, Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I wish I could take a bubble bath with some wine. LOL! But I am at work so I will do that tonight after S's band concert.
I just had a counseling meeting and my counselor said he is impressed with how I am handling it. Now don't be thinking I am strong as nails. I cry almost every day now. This is stressful and I don't really understand why I am going through this. I still get caught up in the "unfairness" of it all. I second guess myself all the time. I didn't make this mess yet I am cleaning it up.
I have been doing a lot of research on narcissistic behavior and personalities. I am not trying to diagnose H and "fix" him, I am trying to come up with methods for protecting myself and my kids and healing myself from this "abuse".
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
wishing, It's okay to cry. I think you do it out of frustration, as well as hurt and disappointment. Crying is a way of cleansing the wound, so to speak. I do think that after each bout of crying and anger, you are getting stronger.
We all have felt the same you that you do...it's not fair and yes, we are the ones cleaning up their d@mn mess that they left behind. But, look at it this way, once you've cleaned it up and you are living your life to the fullest, your life will be good again and you can determine just how you want to live your life and help your children live theirs.
I'm glad to see you are doing research on the various personalities. It may help you along the way.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
...Then you may want to look at how to deal with BPD, BiPolar, obsessive/compulsive, and passive/aggressive people. Oh, and obnoxious ones as long as you're there
You should not be cleaning up this mess. You have enough stress and should let that one go off your plate. Think of this as that scene in Pirates of the Caribbean 3 where they are outrunning the black pearl - they are casting everything not needed overboard as fast as they can - then realize too late they sent the cannonballs overboard. I don't recommend sending the ammo overboard, but even if you do, you'll make it just fine.
And of course you are not strong as nails. Nor should you be. Crying every day? Heck, I've done that. I'm a former Marine. I have walked through h@ll and back before, during and after with other areas of my life. I'm a guy. I don't get to cry in public without people thinking I'm whacked or weak if I were to conform to social norms. I'm not very good with rules though. I can follow them, but prefer not to
Sadness. Been there, done that. I have never taken a bubble bath filled with wine. I've always used hot water. To each their own
You're still processing. Don't be afraid to have those feelings. Be afraid to have no feelings. Be worried when you are done with these feelings so that you don't get angry and wish him harm. That would be the gravest of tragedies compared to what is happening now. Aside from the impact to the kids.
The reality is you cannot stop him. You cannot control him. You can only protect your kids from serious harm. Not perceived harm or emotional harm as much. You can also have a good laugh from time to time. You can know that you are doing things to the best of your ability. When he walks away, and trust me he will be looking for a way when he realizes he can't make you leave voluntarily and the judge won't side with him, you need to know you did everything you could for you. That you were gracious, kind, compassionate, and smelled great
So the question becomes, how can you deal with the reality in the best possible way for you and your kids? Will worrying about tomorrow help? Will stocking the fridge with fish sticks help? M&M's? Broccoli? Will worrying about a messy house? Will worrying about anything help?
Not really. This isn't about you so it's out of your control. That's the part that's unfair, right? You do everything right (or at least, to the best of your ability) and your spouse runs off with twinkly tw@t or whatever. They lie, cheat, steal, and generally try really hard to manipulate you into thinking it's your fault and you should leave for being such a scumbag.
So step back a bit, and realize you'll be the one left standing. He'll be the one on his knees when all is said and done. You're the one that the kids will come to when they are tired of having a playmate. When dad loses the ability to stay interested for a few years, or when his anger gets to be too much. My kids know the anger from their mother. They tip-toe around. They have adjusted to the new norm just fine in that regard. Is it sad? Yes. Can I change it? Nope. Are my kids going to be ok inside and out? My son is. Not too sure about my daughter yet - time will tell. The D is the one she became a playmate with (reversal if you're wondering). But I'm the lucky one to be honest. It hurt like nothing before or since. It's maddening to have somebody still trying to stir up drama and anger this long after everything is said and done. But I'm the lucky one and I'm the one standing and my kids are fine.
All in all? Life is good. The situation su@ks, and it doesn't feel good, but life really is good!
It'll all work out in the end. Don't spoil the ending by reading ahead or worrying about it. It'll be a surprise you will really like when it gets here. I promise. It's up ahead...
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
So another spew. H was angry that I signed S's assignment notebook and it was his day. I said who cares who signs it as long as it gets signed? (S gets docked if his agenda isn't signed). He made a huge production about it and called me a POS in front of my daughter. It was not loud but the intent was there none the less.
Apparently on his days I am to have no contact whatsoever with the kids. Bull! He is a real jerk. It was all I could do to keep a civil tongue in my head. So I am trying to breathe. And relax. I don't know what this guy is capable of. He is freaked out like a caged animal.
Thoughts? Suggestions? Mantras?
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
