Fixer, my ex left when my D was about 14/15 as well. I get what you're saying. But know this: your D has only one father. She knows that. She may want time with her mother and will tolerate other people in her mom's life. But at the end of it all, there is only one father - you. She knows that.
Your D is fast becoming a young woman. She needs you, her father. Nobody, and I'll say it again, nobody will take that place in her life. No matter what else happens.
Your daughter only wants her parents to be happy. She'll go to great lengths to try and make that happen. Then she'll become a teenager and focus on herself. That's a natural order of things though, so don't be alarmed.
Be her dad. She only has one and needs to see how you do things and know that you love her. The rest will take care of itself.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
The latest is my SIL is trying to brainwash my D. Tell her things that a child doesn't need to hear. Last night my D called me at work about 1AM. Mom wasn't home from work and all my D wanted to do was talk. I told her our D was not her fault. She replied even a little bit my fault. My response "no honey we were able to mess things up all by ourselves."
Well it [censored] knowing someone is our there thinking it's okay to play mind games with a 14 year old.
It's difficult telling people "we are getting a divorce.". You think a common friend knows and they seemed shocked. Shocked until they tell you they saw it coming. Friends help with the pain and they can see how much you hurt. A common theme with our friends is now I must be relieved
You can work on a marriage on your own. IMHO only if the other person has some interest in you. My M died a long time ago. For a moment she was interested in me. Then this interest faded over time. I knew it was officially over when we went on a little vacation with the in laws. My W went to bed fully clothed and when I asked her to wear something more comfortable we got into an argument. That night and the and rest of the vacation she slept on the floor.
She was willing to go away but not willing to let her guard down
I have a few friends who don't know my W. They been reminding me to call her by her first name and not address her as my wife. I see how that can ease the pain. I still hurt and though she's dragging her feet on the D I'm not sure of what I want any more.
I feel she's not delaying things b/c she wants to stay M. This is what she does. Not good at following through on what she says. Though she still wants the divorce.
I still care for my W. I feel she maybe getting outside influence and this might be why she is pursuing a D. Last night I told her how much I care for her. They were only a few words but they made her cry. Since the D proceedings has started this is the first time she showed me any feeling other than anger.
I love her and she doesn't love me. She doesn't want to work on the M This is where our R has been for a long time. Could possibly those tears been her coming to the realization she may have lost out on a good thing. I'm not the best H in the world but I tried to be.
Last night I took my DBing to a different level. A friend of mine's BF who just came back from serving over seas was having some problems. I listened, he didn't say much but cried. I listened that was all I needed to do. When he said he was worthless and no good I told him how worthless I feel that he did so much for our country and all I could do was listen.
So to all the war veterans out there. Than you, you have my respect!
My W and D went away for New Years Eve. This will be the first time I am not with my D on this holiday. The plans were very secretive and my D was threatened that she would not be able to go if she told me about them. Anyways there gone I don't know if I handled it right. Eventually my W found out I knew. I told her I over heard D telling a friend.
I didn't mess with her plans. Instead on Christmas I gave my D a gift card so she could buy her own souvenirs. If past history means anything I know my W doesn't budget that into her travel plans. I just hope she's allowed to use this money on herself and not be con into sharing with my SILs 22 year old D.
I miss my D and on Christmas night I asked my w if she still wanted a D. The answer was yes. I am sorry but I think my DBing will soon be over.
No Fixer, your DB'ng won't be over. You'll need to continue to use everything you've learned - just in different situations.
Your ex is gone. You'll need to adjust to that and heal. It'll take time. There will be all kinds of new experiences to experience. Some good and some not as enjoyable. But enjoy the gift you've been given. It may not look like it now, but it is a gift.
Love your D and let the rest go, Fixer.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I am trying so hard to let the past go. Maybe too hard.
I keep thinking when my W comes back from her trip she will say she wants to work on our R more than anything she's done before.
Though it's a dream and maybe not a good one, it's so difficult to get out of my mind. As soon as I can think about only my D and taking care of myself will I be able to start the healing process
No fixer, you've waited long enough my friend. How about this year, give yourself the gift. Make the hard choices for you and let what was, be. Look forward to the new in the spirit of New Year's
Be well, Fixer.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
