No no no, I'm not thinking short term, actually I was thinking what could have caused her to start looking elsewhere for fulfilment.
I'm also thinking long term... my 180... the puruit and distance are two separate ideas. Distance now, then later, rather than returning to the same habbits we were in, find ways to change the dynamic.
And like I said... it was more stream of thought than fixed plans.
No no no, I'm not thinking short term, actually I was thinking what could have caused her to start looking elsewhere for fulfilment.
I'm also thinking long term... my 180... the puruit and distance are two separate ideas. Distance now, then later, rather than returning to the same habbits we were in, find ways to change the dynamic.
And like I said... it was more stream of thought than fixed plans.
Have you heard of the quarter life crisis? That fits exactly the symptoms you have mentioned. I said that because I think my W is in the same boat. It usually hits women who were married young and never really got to "sow their oats" so to speak. It hits around when they turn 30 years old. It can cause women to question all kinds of decisions they made in their lives, including obviously, whether the man they are with is the best fit for them, especially if they have been with that person for so long. It is then exasperated by any form of neglect in the marriage that sparks off the doubt.
She will then start an EA with someone. It is usually that type that finds them, not that they seek it. So like they begin to confide in a close friend, then they let them in on the neglect part of the M, and then pretty soon the guy is saying all the right things to turn it into a physical affair. The woman becomes reckless and risks ruining their good marriage and breaking up a family. They will even risk financial ruin, all in the sake of the thrill of the new relationship, and some unrealistic expectation that it will have a fairy tale ending. This is also referred to by some psychologists as the "immature" view of marriage. The view that in marriage there must be butterfly feelings and tingles the whole time, even though science has proven that those feelings don't last, and that people stay married because they love each other and love their lives, not because they are IN LOVE. But the immature spouse who feels neglect falls for the trap of the pursuit of happiness!!
Cadet is right, there is nothing you can do to make them snap out of it. All you can do is use the principles in DR and tips from others on this forum to ride out the storm. It is a journey, their journey. I think if you found out who that person is, the other man OM, you would probably find that she has traded down so to speak. You are the intelligent, hard working responsible spouse but because of feelings of neglect and low self esteem in the wife, coupled with probably some depression, the Walk away wife ends up with someone who has nothing going for them in their lives, often has no financial abilities, and probably is not as good looking as you. All he offers is compliments and the attention she so desperately needs from a spouse.
I believe I have the exact same problem. I am convinced now that there is nothing we can do to change what they will do. the only thing you can do is work on yourself, to better yourself FOR YOU, and fix all the flaws in your character and behavior that might be bothering her. Then you kind of wait out the affair until she realizes he is not as manly as you, or more importantly the NEW you.
I have been advised by people on the board who went through this and got their wives back and you can click on my name and view my posts, to find my thread. There are a lot of EXCELLENT tips there. Basically the shortened version of the strategy is to be the best you can be, work on yourself, show her how you are the most awesome daddy in the world (women like that) and then be there for her. Listen and validate any issues she brings up about you or your relationship. do not fight it. Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?
At some point, if there is someone else, she will begin to take advantage of your kindness and really start to play you. You will be sick to your stomach and some of the things she might do to you, and you must not forget that this is not your wife! The woman you married is long gone. She can come back, but it will take time and patience on your behalf. At some point you have to practice some tough love and kind of push her into the other relationship she is in. From that point, they say within six months usually, the relationship will fall apart under the pressures of blended family, and more importantly the inadequacies of the other man will begin to show and contrast against your strengths and your W will begin to see why she loved you in the first place. Of course the man she loved once upon a time must be back by then, not the man you have become.
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
Oh and if you have already heard the I love you but I'm not in love with you, and that she wants to separate at least temporarily, then I am sorry to tell you there IS someone else. Women start to check out of the relationship months of years before they do. But they never make a move without someone to escape with. Someone is either already in a relationship, or waiting on the sideline with lies and promises of how he will take care of her. Predatory behavior in my opinion.
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
"Oh and if you have already heard the I love you but I'm not in love with you, and that she wants to separate at least temporarily, then I am sorry to tell you there IS someone else. "
That is definitely not true and you shouldn't be telling others this ESPECIALLY since you're new. Oftentimes there isn't someone else. But the doubt is what needs to be addressed.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I will second MrBond's comments... My X said those words to me and there wasn't somebody else. I think perhaps there was a vision of who that someone else would be, but there wasn't actually someone.
There are a thousand reasons for the WAS to start walking down the path they choose to walk. Some valid, some not, but ultimately they are valid in their perception.
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
Mr Bond, I have found this post that you were refering to on my thread. Yes you are right I should add to this the following:
If you have heard the I love you but not in love with you speech, and you believe your Wife is not financially able to leave the marriage and go out on her own to fend for herself, then IN MY OPINION from all the reading I have done, there is MOST LIKELY someone else in the picture who has filled her head with false securities of how he will take care of her if only she leaves her marriage. I have read this on MANY psychology websites, and it makes perfect sense TO ME. I do not want to start you on a wild investigation to uncover an affair and end up causing more damage to your delicate situation. So, please accept my apology for not clairfying my position more clearly. I just believe that women will ride out a not so bad relationship in return for financial security, until some other man convinces them that he can support the,. That is my opinioni!
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
Women will leave you if they don't feel that their emotional needs are met. An A is a possible symptom but not all the time. Many will even go for a guy who makes much less but will emotionally fulfill them if that's the case.
I don't know what "websites" you're looking at, but try opening up a book every now and then.
" and it makes perfect sense TO ME."
You've got much more to learn about male and female relationships.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I will second MrBond's comments... My X said those words to me and there wasn't somebody else. I think perhaps there was a vision of who that someone else would be, but there wasn't actually someone.
Yes, quite right. In the case of WAW's it seems there often is NOT an OM. There wasn't in my case either. But like you say, there probably is an imaginary OM that they're hoping to find if they can "escape" the M.
