thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I just need to keep my chin up, try harder and move forward. I CAN do this, regardless of the outcome. I know my wife is feeling the pressure of this too. She hasn't been sleeping, eating properly and is worried about her future. That makes me both nervous and hopeful. On the good side, at least she is concerned about her decision to divorce. I will just take it one day at a time and try to be my best.
Well.....pretty much the worst Christmas ever.My wife and my daughter just left to spend Christmas night with a family we know....not even that close to us. It just sux!
I had my daughter for the last few days. We spent Christmas eve with my family. this morning, the wife came over to open Santa presents with us, and to pick our daughter up. It was a little awkward, not being loving like we usually are during the holiday. But, we did sit next to each other and paid lots of attention to our daughter. Upon suggestion, I bought my wife a nice silver bracelet and included a friendship poem with a card. After reading it, she immediately teared up. Of course, I did the same even though I tried not to show it. She teared up once again when she read the card from my Mother, stating that she loves my wife, something that isn't expressed very often. My wife gave me a very nice coffee maker as a present. We did have some light conversation, but she spent a fair amount of time on her phone. Later after she left, she sent me an email saying that she didn't reply to the question in my poem. She said "I hope we will always be freinds" and she wished me a Merry Christmas. The overall tone today was somewhat milder than we have been. She seemed to be very unhappy with the way her life has been going recently. Even her family scrapped having her over for Christmas for some reason. I guess her parents are sick, and her sister had prior plans. She also doesn't have any plans for New Years. I do, and she expressed that she would like the first opertunity to watch out daughter, if she didn't come up with any plans.
I felt like I handled myself almost flawlessly today.How should I interpret this? How should I move forward? Is this just a complete lost cause, or should I continue holding a torch for this woman to return?
I'm not sure what you mean by saying you handled yourself almost flawlessly and how should you interpret this. Kind of sounds like you still expect something from her. Why else would you question if you should continue. You are saying you were flawless but it didn't do any good.
The fact remains that you set yourself up for disappointment every time you expect her to respond to you doing something positive......even positive behavior. That is why you have to improve yourself for nobody but you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
What I meant by handling myself flawlessly, was in regards to DBing. I stayed up beat, light hearted and positive. I avoided any conflict and dicussed nothing in regards to our relationship. I stayed detached, but pleasant.
What I was wondering about when I said, "how should I interpret this", was in regards to her responses. I actually do expect something from her. I expect her to wake up and realize that leaving me, our family and her life is wrong. Well, I shouldn't say I expect it, but I am hopeful of it. I completely realize that improving myself is first and foremost, but the fact of the matter is I am trying to reconcile my marriage. Should I completely lose focus of that?
Small turn of events today. I am not sure if it means anything, but my wife wanted to come by the house to discuss parenting plans. While talking about which days and which nights we would be sharing our daughter, the subject of our relationship came up. Before everyone jumps to the conclusion, I didn't bring it up it up this time!...haha The conversation wasn't very productive in regards to possibly reconciling. My wife still expresses that she is DONE. However, the discusssion of, "being friends", came up. Again, she brought this up. After an hour or two of discussing things peacefully and calmly, we decided to work towards a friendship. My wife expressed that is all that she wants. She doesn't want to work towards anything more, but she also said she doesn't know what the future might bring. Before the night was over, we ended up going for dinner together, with our daughter. We all finished the night up with a movie at the new theater in town.
I hohnestly don't know if this will be good for my mental or emotional health, or if I am headed down a path to total destruction. My hopes are, over the next couple months, that we can rekindle a friendship that will eventually lead us back to happy matrimony. I am hopeful that my wife will eventually come around....But, perhaps I am still in denial about all of this. I am just soooo confused :-/
She wants to "be friends" so that her guilt is diminished. If you honestly don't want to be friends with her, then don't. Start GALing.
"I hohnestly don't know if this will be good for my mental or emotional health, or if I am headed down a path to total destruction."
This is why you need to detach and get yourself strong FIRST.
"My hopes are, over the next couple months, that we can rekindle a friendship that will eventually lead us back to happy matrimony. I am hopeful that my wife will eventually come around...."
She will not "come around" unless the dynamic of the relationship which she left changes. What have you done to be different?
"But, perhaps I am still in denial about all of this."
Yes you are. Consider yourself "divorced" and detach and live your life.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
do you really think that is the approach I want to take? I am obviously new to this, but I cannot let go of the idea that she will eventually come around. I DO want to be her friend. I want to be her best friend, only I want more. I also want to be her husband. She hasn't seen an attorney, she hasn't made plans to effectively move away. She really hasn't initiated any move towards divorce. moreso, I have forced her hand by being pushy. I know you are aware of the mistakes I have made previously. yesterday, during our conversation, she expressed to me that she originally wanted to work on our relationship, but after my actions the first few weeks she decided on leaving completely. That was roughly a month ago. Today, She is more coummuncative with me than she has been in the last several months.I know what she is "verbally" saying, but I thought I wasn't to beleive any of that and only half of what I see? She has also expressed to me that she is simply affraid to open her heart in fear of it being hurt again. That is her main reluctance to not reconcile, out of fear. I just feel that her choice to leave will eventually fade away and that her heart will re-open to me. Denial is obviously happening with me, but is it that far fetched to feel the way I do? Am I living a pipedream? Am I setting myself up for serious emotional damage by hanging on? I know her reality is going to set in even deeper with our new parenting plan. She will not see our daughter for a week at a time. That is going to shed some serious light on the reality of a breakup.
As far as changing the dynamic, I have full on thrown myself into being an outstanding parent to our daughter. I know she is noticing that. She has even mentioned it. I have also made big strides towards being non-critical, not just with my wife but in all of my realtionships. I am dressing better, looking better and being more upbeat. I am also going out and enjoying time with friends and family. I am improving myself! She has noticed that as well. We communicate better today than we have in a long time, much more calm and controlled. If we were like this a year ago, things between us would probably be good right now.
I was seriously worried about my DB coaches suggestion to go the "freidnship route", but it does seem like she is repsonding more to that than she was to anything else. Of course, like you said, it realses her from guilt. It also is an option that she really couldn't turn down. Her other option would to be enemies and battle it out in court. Of course she wants to be friends. I just don't know how to approach this in hopes of the best results. I don't want to lose her, and I can't move on until I know that is a reality. After reading your reply, all of those flutter chest pains are starting to come back! Am I doing the wrong thing and headed for serious heartbreak?
I am sitting here considering this. On one hand I could detach and move on with my life. That isn't going to change my wifes mind. That is something only she can do. On the other hand, I can in fact become her friend. I can enjoy time with her and better show her how I have changed as a man. Again, this won't change her mind. Only she makes that decision. But, wouldn't I be in a better position to show her how I have changed if I can keep her closer without pursuing or being threatening? I "think" that was my DB coaches plan, basically removing the guilt and the chase so that she could settle down and see things more clearly....would love to hear some major input on my sitch. I really don't want to make any more major mistakes that I will regret later. I also don't want to end up being hurt more than ever.
At the beginning of my sitch, I misunderstood what detachment meant. I was under the impression that it meant to move on.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
IMHO, a LBH can find himself feeling very frustrated when he is in the state of "being friends". I personally don't think it works well when you are still holding out hope that the M will R. In your case, you've admitted that you expect her to respond to your behavior.....and when she doesn't, you don't know how to take it.
The state of "being friends" is a trap for many men. For one thing, she looks at being friends completely different than you do. It will start to drain you, b/c you will jump at every opportunity to do family activities together.....always hoping she'll come around. Of course, when she doesn't come around, then your frustration goes up higher. You will even find yourself very angry b/c things never go beyond being friends.
You see, a woman thinks in terms of a "friend" as someone who she has no sexual attraction for. B/c if there is sexual attraction, then it gets too complicated for her. That's what some people just don't get.
I believe the only time to be "friends" is if you get D, and enough time has passed that the hurt has healed enough for you to move on. Oddly, when this happens, you still aren't best friends b/c she'll be with some OM and you'll have your own life. There is a difference in being friendly....and being friends.
You really don't want to settle for just being friends, b/c you've already said you have a motive behind it. She wants the agreed friendship, hoping you'll be nicer. She doesn't want to deal with all the drama, and she thinks it would be so much easier in her life.
I look at this "friendship" thing the same way I look at you supporting her decision. You don't shouldn't support it, and you shouldn't agree to just being friends unless you're ready to call it quits.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
