trying to save my marriage Phase 2

[ForMyHusband]

He is not fighting me on any decisions. No decisions were made really. He just left and didnt ask for any rights at all. He calls when he wants and emails me if he wants to come and see her which isnt very often.
I have been to a lawyer and am going back again soon. Probably early in the new year. As much as I do want him to come back, if he choses not to then I need to make sure me and D are financially stable and have a good parenting plan in place. That will be my "last-last resort technique". For now im just staying dark, its very hard and as each day passes and he doesnt contact I get more anxious and sad but im trying to focus on the other things in my life which are not in "turmoil" (I think someone on here said to do that).

[notsurewhat2do]

Sounds good. Glad you have talked with a lawyer.

I had a good counseling session last night. It was DivorceCare "Surviving the Holidays". The faciliators where a married couple, who both had been divorced. The lady was married for 16 years and for 13 years of that her husband cheated on her, he eventually died of Aids (gave me prospective that my situation could be so much worse!) Her husband didn't give his full story, other than he was seperated for nearly a year when he finally woke up one morning and decided it was time to sign the papers. He was remarried within 4 months and divorced 18 months later. They both agreed that I needed to set boundaries for H. He bascially comes and goes when he wants in our house. He still has a lot of stuff there that he doesn't need at the moment. The wife said I should set a time frame for him to remove his things. The husband disagreed, his gut instincts (and they have been doing this DivorceCare Support group for 15 years together) was that my H is in mid-life crisis and depression. That he will eventually "wake-up" and want to come home. It will completely be up to me at that point, so MAKING him move his stuff would be like shuting a door for H. So he suggested I do nothing yet. I don't communicate with H, unless necessary, so like you the more I don't hear from him, the more I think he is loving his new life. I don't know if that is true, I just know I need to give him time sort things out on his own, make his own decisions (no matter how much I disagree with them) and work on myself. WE CAN DO THIS!!!! Keep your head up and focus on DD!

AND, the one thing I did learn last night was keeping things the same at the holiday's isn't always helpful. Sometimes you need to mix it up. It's hard for me because so many of our traditions are family (extended) based, but I plan on doing something different with DD this Christmas Eve (if I can get my parents to agree). Maybe start a new tradition of pizza and movies... something different and NOT Christmas related.
Also, they suggested having a firm plan, something to look forward to. Maybe on Christmas Eve you invited girlfriends over to make cookies, or you and DD make and decorate cookies. Or maybe Christmas Eve church service? Just plan something to help get you through the time. I'm lucky this year, I only have 3 days off and back to work. It doesn't give me much time wallow in self pity. My H is coming over Christmas morning to do presents with DD and I. She wanted it. But she is older and understands much better than you're DD. But it will be hard for both of us. The husband leader said last night, that just remember, it's as hard if not harder for H to walk into the house he lived in as a visitor and try to do the "normal" things. But I look at it this way ... his choice.

[labug]

AND, the one thing I did learn last night was keeping things the same at the holiday's isn't always helpful. Sometimes you need to mix it up. It's hard for me because so many of our traditions are family (extended) based, but I plan on doing something different with DD this Christmas Eve (if I can get my parents to agree). Maybe start a new tradition of pizza and movies... something different and NOT Christmas related.
Also, they suggested having a firm plan, something to look forward to. Maybe on Christmas Eve you invited girlfriends over to make cookies, or you and DD make and decorate cookies. Or maybe Christmas Eve church service? Just plan something to help get you through the time. I'm lucky this year, I only have 3 days off and back to work. It doesn't give me much time wallow in self pity. My H is coming over Christmas morning to do presents with DD and I. She wanted it. But she is older and understands much better than you're DD. But it will be hard for both of us. The husband leader said last night, that just remember, it's as hard if not harder for H to walk into the house he lived in as a visitor and try to do the "normal" things. But I look at it this way ... his choice.

Great advice about the holidays and it's what I've tried to do. I even got a new Christmas tree.

I also and struck by this: it's as hard if not harder for H to walk into the house he lived in as a visitor and try to do the "normal" things. But I look at it this way ... his choice. My H has acted like a cat on a hot tin roof when he's here and I never quite understood it. This gives a new perspective.

[notsurewhat2do]

This group has a website for surviving the holidays. You can google divorecare + holidays. It should populate in google for you. It has good tips, if you aren't "religious" or not.

[ForMyHusband]

My H just walks into this house and acts like he still lives here. Helps himself to the food, leaves his dirty dishes, has his shoes on, etc. But I refuse to nag at him. I'm trying to 180 and stay dark but his non challant attitude about what he is doing is so frustrating, its hard to keep my emotions in check. I did a good job tonight when he was here, but I need to improve. I know the "180" list pretty well but does anyone have any specific tips? Sometimes I wish I wasn't here when he visits D but on the other hand I am extremely anxious about him being along with her because of his head space right and comments that he has made. And I'm also worried about her and the way she thinks if she pleases him, he will come home. Since this started, he has only been alone with her twice (and only because it was my decision to leave the house, he has made no effort to spend any alone time with her in almost 5 months now).

I'd like to make some changes at christmas this year but it would mean changing things for my parents and H's parents and they have been extremely supportive of me so I don't want to do that to them. So I'm not sure I can do to make it more special for just me and D and our puppies.

[ForMyHusband]

Does anyone know of any good threads/sites on setting boundaries?

[notsurewhat2do]

I'm not sure how you can make changes at christmas either. I was worried that my parents would be upset. But they are okay with changing up Christmas Eve. I haven't talked to DD about it yet, but I need to. I don't know that you have to change something, just add something special for you and DD.

My H comes in and its a little odd, but he basically just does what he needs to do and leaves. This weekend was DD's winter formal with BF and H came over to see her dressed up. He came in, got his mail and then started snacking on some pecans I had on the counter. I offered him a beer and told him it was in the frig. I was getting ready and DD was still getting ready. I talked to him while he sat on the couch eating pecans, drinking beer and watch football. We chatted periodically about DD's school and other things. But really just chatting, nothing heavy. We even took a family pix with DD in the middle. But him leaving was terrible. I guess because I hadn't seen him in almost month, it was so hard to watch him leave and me not have a clue where he was going. I was weepy all weekend. Because of that and a statement that DD made Friday night. See my post here - warning it's long, if you have time, just read the first post and the last few ... Notsurewhattodo thread

[ForMyHusband]

I will read your thread after D goes to bed. H was supposed to come over tonight to watch an xmas movie, he never showed up. I don't know what changes to make at xmas because I don't know what he is thinking or what he wants to do. He doesn't talk about anything whatsoever and ignores everything going on around him.

We are starting a new scrapbooking tradition and on xmas eve if we go to MIL like we normally do we are not going to stay as long and were gonna come home just the two of us and open a present and watch a movie together before bed and say bye to "brianna" (our elf on the shelf :)). That's about the only thing different I can do so far.

I see my therapist on wednesday, the morning of his bday supper that both D and I are going to at MIL's house....he invited me, just not sure why. I want to hope it was for good reasons but probably for stupid reasons like he didn't want to spend the gas to "drive all the way out here" to pick her up, lord only knows.

I am doing something no one on here will agree with but I wrote a letter that I will give him on his bday. Its a letter more for me and for my D. It describes what I know I did wrong and my apology for it. In a way, its my "ultimatum" which I got from DR. But I need him to hear/read I know what my mistakes were and how I know I am abetter person by learning from them and that we are not going to be here for him forever as much as I love him. I've been "okay" with going dark and 180s, not great tho, lots more to do. But I will give him the letter and then life goes on without him. If he doesn't want to be a family man and a H again, then we are better off without him. It'll take time but its what will have to happen.

[notsurewhat2do]

Going dark is so hard. I just realized after not seeing H for almost 3 weeks how much I missed him and I how much it hurts. I think not seeing him or hearing from him makes NC a lot easier. THEN last night, DD and I kinda got into it because of school/exams. I was already hurting and just need her to step up and makes things easier for me. I sent him a text that just said "

[notsurewhat2do]

Sorry ... hit some button that posted! eeekkk ...

I sent him a text that just said "I CAN NOT DO THIS". Of course got no response at all. Which just added to the pain. And then this morning I regreted sending it. So, I just sent one this morning that said, please encourage DD to study for her exams. And hope everything works out for them in GA. He is going a business/hunting trip. He responded this morning that he "told her last night when I was going to bed to make sure she did good on her exams". Not exactly the re-enforcements I needed, but I guess better than nothing. The thing is ... I called DD into the living room and told her that I really needed her to step up and help me out. Just do really good in school, do what I ask without me asking a million times, just make things easier. That I needed her to. She was like okay, why? I just said, I'm holding on by a thread and I need help. My husband has left me for another women and my heart is in a million pieces and I don't feel like it's ever going to be whole again. Probably way to much for a 15 year old, but I figured she needed to hear my pain. She said that is the reason I want to go off on him. I said you can say anything you want to him. But it'll have to wait, he's leaving tomorrow for a trip. She said I blame her, it's all her fault. I said no it's not, she said YES IT IS. I said, we'll it's both their fault. She is SO angry, where I can SO hurt. What is bad, I truly believe he won't care that she is angry. Nothing will cause him to come back at this point. He has to figure it out on his own.

It pretty much [censored], doesn't it? I am sorry your DD is so young and has to indure it. And I'm sorry your H was a no show. That would make me soooo mad. I really try not to show much anger at H since DD is carrying so much, but in that situation, it would be hard not to.

"If he doesn't want to be a family man and a H again, then we are better off without him. It'll take time but its what will have to happen." - great statement, but so hard!