So....I carried through with my coaches suggestion. I left out the part about pushing her towards another man. When I discussed it with her, I brushed through the part about the marraige being too far gone, but I did agree with her about that and supported her feelings. I asked that we remain freinds and be the best possible co-parents we could. She seemed to be somewhat receptive to that, of course she would be given the other option. She did express that she was not ready to start "hanging out" yet, but it felt like there was a window open for that to be an option at a later date. She was a little skeptical(I think)about my new idea to simply be friends, and she mentioned that she was game as long as it wasn't a ploy to woo her back. She expressed that she had wanted to work on a friendship with me for some time. I know I was already being misleading by using this tactic, so I confessed that I wanted to put everthing behind us and just see if we could be friends. I told her, "however, I cannot gurantee that I won't want to pursue you at some point, maybe down the road" and left it at that. This was all done over the phone when she was still extremely hot after the "stalking incident". Originally she didn't even want to speak with me, but all in all the call ened nicely. As of today, I have only heard from her regarding our daughter. We made a couple light fluffy comments and that is where we are today.....Now I wait and watch.
Well, it's only been a day...so far, if I wasn't confusing things, I would say there is already a difference in my wifes attitude, nothing major, but she does seem a little more pleasant and less defensive towards me. She initiated several texts and one phone call today, for somewhat trivial things. The first thing she asked was about the "new mascara" she just found in the bathroom. I explained to her that I decided to start using it to touch up some of the gray in my beard. I read about it on the internet. We back and forthed several times with her sharing some tips and things for me to consider for other options to color my beard. Later, she initiated some more texting. This time, asking if I had noticed the dog was shedding. our dog doesn't shed, so she was concerned. a few texts later and I said that I would keep an eye on him. Then later in the day, she sends me a text asking if I was still going to be able to watch our daughter while she went to her IC session. I said I had planned on it, and that I would be there with bells on. THEN, she mentioned that our daughter was going to be Christmas carroling from 4-4:30 and said I could come watch. I actually declined and said that I had some plans right after work, but I would be there in time to watch our daughter while she went to counseling. When I arrived at the house, she seemed "so so", but went on for a little while in the doorway about how the carroling had went, before leaving for her IC session. I am not 100% sure what to think about it, but at least it's better than the, "don't contact me, my friends or my family anymore unless it's regarding our daughter", that I got the other day. I realize this probably doesn't mean much, but it gives me at least a glimmer of hope. I plan on making a dinner and leaving it for my wife and daughter to eat when she gets home from counseling. I will excuse myself immediately when she arrives.
Well, this sux. Today, my business partners, who just so happen to be my Mother and Brother, decided it would be a good idea to eliminate my wifes position at work and lock her out of the computer system. She used to do a portion of our accounting and payroll. She was as reliable and honest as any person could be. There was no reason to fire her. Needless to say, this caused a little rift in our marriage situation. While my wife did express that she knew it wasn't me, she was obviously hurt and very upset, so much so that I just finished helping her move out a good portion of her belongings from our home. She will now be living full time in our apartment until the next move is established. I explained that I didn't want this to derail our attempt at building a friendship (grasping at straws). She still seemed interested in a friendship, but expressed that she is seriously considering legal separation or even divorce if she was able to afford it. This news was very destructive to me, and I am finally realizing that this very well might not be a reapairable relationship any longer. So where do I go from here?
Here is a series of texts my wife and I just exchanged. I think this pretty much describes where we are. I feel that my work at divorcebusting may be done here.
Wife: I think it is best that I unfriend (facebook) you and the others in my life that are not being supportive of me. I dont want pictures of you with my old friends being rubbed in my face
Me: I'm not sure what pictures you're talking about. I haven't been in any, but I understand and agree that maybe you should unfriend me.
Me: Also, i spoke with the cell phone company. I can transfer your phone over to you. You would have to change your plan, because it wouldnt be shared minutes anymore, but then you could have your own line, own bill and own security. Let me know if you want to start that process.
Wife: Yes that's a good idea.
Me: I will work up a schedule for bills that you pay versus what i pay. I am not sure where your finances are right now, but like you said the other day, we need to move forward with our own lives. I would also like more time with (daughter). I miss her too much
Wife: That's fine and I agree we do need to move forward with this. I think a divorce is the best idea. I have spent a lot of time alone thinking lately and its not fair to just let you hold onto hope
Me: absolutely....i thought the same thing
Wife: Think about what you want as far as visitation and dividing up the house and stuff we have aquired
Me: I will want (daughter) 50% of the time, no less....that I am firm on
Wife: That is fine.
Me: house stuff we will have to talk with the attorney to see where that is even at. I will be honest, there is probably not much equity in it. We only own the structure and that depreciates over time....as far as our belongings, we can sit down and decide what you want to take and what i want.....your car will have to be refinanced if you wish to take that. It's under my name.
Me: do you want to get your own attorney, or do you wish to work through a single attorney to solve the details?
Me: I have about 2 grand to my name....im guessing you have even less.....that wont go far in attorney fees. I feel that you will have to incur the costs of that because you want the divorce. The decision to leave is yours. That is the reality of it. perhaps your mom can loan you the money?
Wife: Whatever I want 50% of the house value and contents. I think we need to sit down and each right out what we think is fair etc.
Wife: We are grown adults and can figure out something fair. I will work on that
Me: We live in a community property state....thats how it works....50%....im just saying that I bet there isn't much, if any, financial asset in the house. Perhaps there is, but I will have to talk to (our banker) and our (property attorney) to see....The things inside the house we can split evenly
Wife: How was that party last night? Enjoy hanging out with my old friends. Guessing once again they put ideas and [censored] in your head
Me: no actually.....we didnt talk about our marriage. It was a very fun party....and "your friends" have been in my life for a very long time, well before you ever met them.
Wife: I understand that. Enjoy them. Just funny how you bounce around day to day.
Me: Bounce around?
Wife: I am going to spend time with (daughter). Bye
About 30 seconds later, she initiated a phone call and started going on and on about how our relationship has been screwed up for a long time, how her friends are all screwing her over, how she hasn't got any support, how I am stalking her and making the situation so much worse, how I am lying and reaching out to all of her family... She's paranoid that this point and not seeing things even remotely clear. I don't think this is going to be saveable. That is a very harsh reality.
YOU dug yourself into the grave. You SHOULD NOT have agreed with her on the D? Why would you if you don't believe in it? All you did was validate her reasons which you said weren't true.
If you think that's DBing it's not. You validate her RIGHT to want to D. But you DON'T have to validate her decision to do so if you don't agree.
The more I read your post, I kept cringing because you were shooting yourself in the foot ALOT! And you have been doing since the beginning. STOP AGREEING WITH HER ABOUT THE D!
You're NOT lying to her, You're NOT doing anything to undermine her like she's accusing you of. Why on earth would you agree that you were? Be the man and tell it to her straight. She has to hit rock bottom. YOU can't lead her away from that.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I underatand what you're saying, and I know I have been undermining my own interests. I have blackslid and done the wrong thing at every intersection. Try as I might, I am just not able to emotionally detach enough to act in proper DB fashion. My hindsight has been 50/50, but that doesn't do much good. With that said, Divorce is now a reality. We have already had a few discussions regarding money and custody. Tonight we have a joint counseling meeting, for what I do not know. Furthermore, everything around us is spiralling out of control as well. She has ditched all of her close personal friends because they don't condone her actions regarding our relationship. her mother has called me threatening sever legal action during the divorce, in which I replied to by hanging up on her. It's simply starting to get ugly. It appears to be over. I have lost almost all hope of reconciling...barely even a pipe dream at this point.
There can always be hope. Hell, the terms of my D are pretty much complete. Yet nothing has been filed. And I am actually seeing positive interactions with my w. We have shared some laughs, some smiles, and some conversations about more than the children.
There were times that our conversations got a little ugly, but I didn't resort to any R talk. It is so important that you try and stay positive no matter where the discussion goes. You can't control her, and more importantly don't let her actions and words cause you to do anything to justify her position. Tht is exactly what she wants. Right now she is/has rewritten history to justify what she is doing.
It is our job to create doubt.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
During our counseling session, we more or less argued about everything. We hadn't done that before in front the of the counselor. After the session, everyone (me, my wife and even the counselor) seemed to be at an end point. We discussed mediation and speaking with attorneys. When we left the room, my wife and I shared an elevator. We spoke the entire time during the ride down to the lobby in a much more controlled tone. We spent another 10-15 minutes in the lobby expressing that we did not want to leave the relationship in an angry rage and how it had only been a week ago that we discussed having a friendship, so we agreed to let things cool off a little before we made any moves. I guess I will just have to see where that goes. At any rate, it would be better than fighting an ugly divorce battle based on anger and emotion.
