Completely heartbroken by husband's MLC

[Raine]

GG,

I keep thinking, maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad if I hadn't fallen from so high of a place. I thought I had everything--almost like I was mocking God, I thought life was so great.

It's so hard with little ones, that don't understand at all. My nearly 2 yr old asks for Dada every morning and runs to him and won't let go when he sees him. My 8 yr old went into a panic tonight when I left for an hour, even though his dad was there. He screamed, "Mom where are you going?" I had to take him aside after and tell him I will never, ever leave him, that sometimes I have to leave for a few hours but I'll be back. My 5 yr old prayed the other night that Daddy would get off the naughty list, which was actually pretty adorable. They have their moments, but most of the time they are the happiest, most loving children ever. I would be lost without them. It's hard to be depressed when you're surrounded by pure joy. I don't know how my husband can stand being away from them so much.

[Raine]

mizjjd,

I hate the feeling of constant panic--is he with her? What is he doing. I hate her so much. What kind of scum would go with a married man, with kids? On one level I want him to have the relationship with her and realize what a loser she is and have it all blow up in his face. I did a background check on her when I found out, and it's ugly. Two bankruptcies. Multiple judgements and liens. An estranged teenage son that wants nothing to do with her. Winner, winner, chicken dinner. But on the other hand, would I want him after he has had a full blown relationship with someone else? There is no good solution.

[BeingMe]

Hi Hopper! You sure have come to the right place where you sitch is concerned.

You seem to be doing very well, considering how short this has been going on.

You mentioned that you think he has some childhood/teen issue that he hasn't gotten over yet ... that could be the case. I think my H hasn't dealt with his sexual abuse. He is the type of person who stuffs it all down into a corner somewhere.

No matter ... you can try and empathize, but he still has to deal with whatever's happening with him.

As mizjjd says - hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Make sure your finances are in order. Take care of yourself.

[Cadet]

It's so hard to stay out of contact when there are little kids involved. There always seems to be some reason he needs to contact me. I'm always friendly to him, but nothing more than friends.

Basically let him control the contact, what you did sounds fine for now.
You are doing things now for YOU and your children, not for him.
You need to get on living your life without him in it.
Because right now he is GONE.
I am not saying that you cant have HOPE but definitley NO EXPECTATIONS.

Jim Conway writes that their are four enemies of the MLC'er - Body, Spouse, Job, and God.
As they work their way through this mess they seem to hit them all. They are running away and NOTHING will stop them.

I am glad the links helped out.
Keep working on them a little at a time.

I might also suggest the pursuit and distance one as it looks like your husband is a clinger, or at least for now.

Keep posting.

[Raine]

I read the entire persuer distancer thread. Very helpful. My question is how do you know when the game is over? I don't contact him. If there is something I need to tell him, I just wait for him to contact me.

[Raine]

Last Saturday he told me he talked to the OW at work after 30 days. He said that I had said he needed to stay away from her for 30 days, and I mentioned this during our last therapy session. I said to him, no you never talk to her or have anything to do with again, ever. I would have never said 30 days and then it's fine. I also knew he denied anything was going on with her during therapy. Delusional. He can't remember half of what he does or says anyway.

He promised me he wouldn't talk to her about anything besides chit-chat and no physical contact or spend anytime alone with her. But I get that if he can break marriage covenants with me and God, what does a promise like that matter. He kept saying he didn't want to talk about her anymore. I said, "Neither do I. I thought I would never have to. I thought it was done." He knows that I will never allow the children to be around her. I will move far away if he ever tries.

He's got to be scared of the grief I could cause him in his life. I'm friends with several people he works with, including the OW's boss. I've never threatened anything like that. The only thing I've ever said is she will never be allowed to be around my children. But still I wouldn't be surprised if he is worried about what I could do. As he has said, his job is the greatest thing in his life right now.

[Raine]

About 18 months ago, maybe longer, H was feeling like he was going nowhere in his job. We both thought it was best he looked for something else. 9 months ago, an opportunity came up in a completely different field, which he didn't want to go for, but I really encouraged him. I thought it was just the change he needed. I could tell he just wasn't happy in his current job. It was a tough sale for him. He had no experience in this new position, but excellent management skills. I was all over it for him. I did his resume, and his boss told H he was super impressed by it and it was the best he had ever seen. I did mock interviews with him to get him around the no experience question. And he got it. He did appreciate all the help. He told people he never would have gone for the job, it was me telling him this job was meant for him that did it. And now he absolutely loves it. It makes me wonder how long ago this all started for him (he says he has been unhappy for years) and if MLC was already setting in, and the new job solved one issue, but caused the bigger enemies to then become me, God, and Body.

He now feels like he is a rock-star. That anything he wants just lands in his lap. It's like he doesn't even take credit for the work he put in to rise above his impoverished upbringing. He was just lucky.

[Raine]

On moderation, so sorry about the string of posts from me.

H left for a business trip today. He wanted to stop in and see the kids before he left. That surprised me. He said goodbye to them two nights ago when he had them, and said he would see them when he was back. He even called them tonight to say goodnight, which is a first since he has left. He is missing them.

He told me when he left that one of his roommate had wondered if his wife was okay with him going out of town. He said yes, since it's business, but otherwise I likely wouldn't be. It puzzled me a bit, like he still feels he needs to answer to me in someways.

He also told me that his roommate had said it would be fun, and a change of scenery. He said back to him, "not really. Just a different room, but I'll still be there playing games by myself and crying myself to sleep." I just laughed, but that's saying a lot from him when he is trying to act like he is doing great. No hug goodbye or anything. He hasn't initiated a hug with me since the first week he left.

Another thing people have questioned me about is him renting a room with roommates, instead of getting his own place. I guess I'm weighing the pros and cons of cost and less temptation to bring a woman over vs living with a bunch of divorced guys who could be a negative influence. I think it's a better situation. I don't know any divorced person who doesn't have regrets.

[Raine]

So this morning he sent a message to the kids and a picture. Very specifically to them only, but this is a change where he is now reaching out to them.

We have yet to talk about Christmas. This is something I'm waiting for him to bring up. I don't know how to handle it. I want him here. I want our family traditions, but I don't know what he wants. I know he isn't happy and wants to be home, but can't. I wonder how much that is him telling himself he can't/doesn't want to vs him telling himself that I don't want him here while he is in such a fog. He has said multiple times to me, you don't want me to come home like this, and I've said I know, I can't have you come home like this. I don't know at what point, at what amount of change I should be willing to let him come home and on what kind of conditions? I don't know what milestone I'm looking for.

[BklynMom]

I am very impressed by how you are holding it together this early on.

My H is younger then your when this crisis began. I see may similarities. I am successful, though not the main bread winner and he went for someone more dependent and in awe of him.

Their denial of their part in this sitch is so deep it can take months or years for them to realize their contribution. Its very sad. Maybe your pregnancy can help snap him out of it.

Check out this is not the season you think it is by Laura Munson