In total despair

[sandi2]

I don't see where you are doing anything different. You still trying to fix things by talking! You want to give one more R talk....and THEN shut up. But you don't shut up! Don't you see how that very action has taken you deeper into the problem?

[AnotherStander]

I told her we're not enemies, and it seems like she is just looking for people that will tell her, "dump that guy". I said to her, that none of our true friends and family are going to tell her that, because they all know that is not right. She feels everyone is against her and that she can't trust anyone. I told her that comes from within herself, and that at some point in time she will have the clarity to see that I, along with our friends and families, are stating that she is making the worst choice in her life, because it will actually be the worst choice in her life. It is plain and simple. Of course, that all fell on def ears.

Oh man. You're doing so much damage. I don't think anything you read in DR took hold. All the stuff about not arguing with your spouse, about just listening (and being the world's best listener) and not talking, about validating her emotions, do you remember reading all that? What you describe above is the exact opposite of what you should have done. You basically told her she's wrong, her emotions are wrong, and she's making bad choices. The emotions that stand guard at the wall she's built around herself just threw more chains and padlocks on the gate.

23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

I guess I just need to move on and forget about her for the time being. How I interact with her from now on, I am not sure. I realize I shouldn't be cold, but how much attention I give her, I am not sure about. Do I answer her texts? Do I tell her she looks pretty when I pick up my daughter. Do I allow her to ask for favors.

Read DR again. Print out Sandi's DB 180 tips (see sticky at top of forum) and LIVE them. Those tips alone can be read in 5 minutes and answer all the above questions.

She just asked 2 days ago if I could have my Mother watch our daughter for a few hours while she was visiting family. Should I have simply told her, "find a baby sitter"?

Per DR, whenever you take any action ask yourself "will this hurt my situation or help it?" Do you think telling her to "find a baby sitter" would hurt or help?

I am going to approach my wife tonight. I am going to express that I agree with her, our Marriage is beyond repair.

I think you misunderstand what a 180 for this is. It isn't to go from talking about saving the marriage to talking about tossing it, it is to go to NOT TALKING ABOUT THE M AT ALL. Do not initiate M talks or R talks. Act "as if" everything is great, and you're moving on with or without your W. Detach. GAL.

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

In a week or so, I might ask her to tag along on a friendly outing, which she will undoubtedly decline....a week or two later, I will try again.

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
9. Do not schedule dates together.

Hopefully, by taking the guilt and pressure off of reconciling and the actual marriage itself, we can start to rebuild a friendship.

Yes, this is better. But you can't do this by pressuring her for dates. Just zip your lip about the M and R. Just let all talk be light and fluffy. Zero pressure. Give her space. don't pursue. Don't pressure.

[swoop]

That was the actual game plan that my DB coach suggested I try. My IC actually thought it was a good idea as well. Who do i believe?

[sandi2]

I am going to approach my wife tonight. I am going to express that I agree with her, our Marriage is beyond repair.

Are you sure you understood the coach to say that you should tell your W that the M is beyond repair and to mislead her to think all you want is to be her friend, knowing full well that in a week or two you would "try again" (whatever that means to you)?

[swoop]

Yes,

I am pretty sure that was the instruction that he gave me. Actually, he even went on to suggest that I encourage her to keep corresponding with the OM. I omitted that by personal choice. I wasn't about to ethically point my wife towards conversing with another man, regardless of whether is has innocent intentions or not.

[MrBond]

I think he meant to validate your W's feelings. Maybe you shouldn't say "beyond repair". But that's your choice. If your coach tells you to do it, then go ahead.

I believe his thinking was that the sooner you push your W into the arms of the OM, it'll be the old "be careful what you wish for" scenario. Whereby the fantasy will be finished much quicker.

[swoop]

hmmmm...you might be right, but I thought I was pretty clear on what he was describing. His thoughts regarding the OM, is that he was also just left by a cheating wife, only 6months ago. My coach felt that his intentions are probably innocent, and that he could very well be a good advocate for me. he also said that it would happen with or without my blessing, so why not make it seem like I thought it was a good idea...I still opted out of intentionally sending my wife to another man.

[MrBond]

Okay, you're going to have to let us know more in detail next time the context in which your coach tells you things. When you explain it like that, it makes more sense.

If you just gloss over things, you will receive conflicting advice.

[Denver_2010]

I would by lying, if I didn't say that gives me hope, Denver.

Thanks

"Hope" is the fuel that propels you through this process. There is nothing without it. Just don't let it turn into "expectations".

[bustingout]

I would by lying, if I didn't say that gives me hope, Denver.

Thanks

"Hope" is the fuel that propels you through this process. There is nothing without it. Just don't let it turn into "expectations".

I needed to read that exactly as you wrote it Denver. Thank you!